The Great American Novel
Created | Updated Jul 4, 2002
THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL,
A Picaresque Romantic Odyssey by Algernon Percival Picklepucker
CHAPTER ONE
She stood at the top of the cliff, her wild, frenetic
hair blowing like effusive strands of ecru corn-silk
in the sea air. Behind her, the serpentine waves wore
caps of alabaster froth as they restlessly flung them-
selves at the jagged, barnacle-encrusted rocks on the
shore far below where she stood. The salt spray licked
at her opalescent earlobes, but she took no heed of it.
In front of her lay the heath, enshrouded as always in
a robust yet delicate puce mist that made each bush seem
like a fairy castle, each crow an angel of dark destruction.
Somewhere on that distant heath is my beloved, she thought.
She glanced momentarily toward the North, where purple
mountains' majesties shrugged under their awesome burden
of snowy responsibilty. She glanced toward the South,
where wizened good old boys sipped mint juleps, and
paddle-wheelers carried affluent yuppy tourists down
the sleepy Mississippi River toward the odoriferous delta.
Out of the corner of her limpid, dewy eye, she detected
movement as a distant figure moved across the heath
somewhere in the distance. Could it be Eldridge Fountainsby,
her inamorata? Alas, the distance was too great for her
to discern his identity. She reached into her handbag and
pulled out a green binocular case.
One glimpse of the distant stranger through the binoculars
told her that he was not Fountainsby at all, but rather
her previous lover, Alonso Bleaker-Fortunato, who had
made his fortune in oil and vinegar. He must not be allowed
to know that she was back.
With a sigh of ineluctable despair, she turned from the
heath and walked North along the sea-cliff. Perhaps she
would come across a road, and a kindly motorist would
give her a ride as far as Blasflenijj, where her sister
would be baking her customary fig-and-tomato pie, and
her little nephews would be searching for camels along
the shore.
Overhead, two palimpsests circled in the sky.
CHAPTER TWO
Eldridge Fountainsby drifted, half-asleep in his hammock.
The vermilion leafy canopy above him rustled slightly
under the influence of a slight, wispy breeze. He frowned,
beads of glistening sweat rolling down his forehead and
assaulting the corners of his mouth with their bitter,
salty excuterations.
Why, he wondered, was there hardly ever a breeze in the
summer, when you would welcome one, but a rogue's
gallery of biting winds in winter, when every crevice
in his mansion welcomed chilling drafts into all corners
or every room. But that was not the worst thing about
winter, he reflected. No, the worst thing was that he
would never again be able to keep himself warm by
cuddling next to Elmira Glastonbury, who had had the
nerve to get herself lost at sea just months before.
Could she still be alive, though? Her luscious, toothsome
body had never been found. Above, a bird made a strident
catoniation in a minor augmented key.
A passerby passed by in front of the Fountainsby mansion.
It was Harry Huncastle, Eldridge's best friend since
eighth grade. He waved at Eldridge. "Hi, Eldridge," he
said, pausing to wipe the sweat from his brow. "What're
you doing outside on such a hot day? Don't you have
air-conditioning inside?"
"There are too many things in there that remind me of
Elmira," Eldridge said, grimacing as if a dark shadow
had just passed overhead. The passerby shrugged sympa-
thetically and continued on his way.
CHAPTER THREE
The shadows were lengthening outside as Hieronymus
Fettle sat in his office, a phone cupped next to his
ear. "Why do they keep me on hold so much?" he grumbled.
Outside, the factory parking lot was beginning to
empty as employees reached the end of their shifts
and left to return to their homes, where cold TV
dinners and reruns of "Gomer Pyle" were probably
about all they could look forward to.
"Hello, this is Rent Anything Enterprises, Sid Sidneyson
speaking," a voice on the other end of the line cut in.
"How may I help you?"
"Hi, Sid," Hieronymous said, "my name is Heronymus
Fettle, and I run the Handpainted Dinnerware Factory in
Tuppers Falls. I need to rent some toads, if you've got
any you could spare."
"Toads, did you say?" Sidneyson exclaimed in disbelief.
"What makes you think we would have toads?"
"I figured you would, because your company is called
'Rent Anything Enterprises,'" Hieronnymus replied.
"Toads would definitely be considered to be anything."
"Well, there are certain assumptions that you'd have
to make," Sidneyson said, reaching for an antacid.
"The most important is that we would be willing to rent
anything that people would be likely to ask for. Nobody's
asked for toads before."
"I'll make it worth your while, Sid," Hironymus said,
frowning. "If you can deliver ten dozen toads by next
Tuesday, I'll pay anything that you ask for."
There was a moment of stunned silence on Sidneyson's
end of the line. "I have a huge load of dinnerware
that can't be shipped to my customers without them,"
Hieranymus added nervously.
"You mean you use toads to paint your dinnerware?"
Sidneyson exclaimed incredulously.
"Yes, I do," Hierronymus said proudly. "But what if I
needed them for another purpose? As long as you
got a paying customer, why would you care? Oh,
and I notice that you rent beetles, which would
surely be of little use to anybody."
"Read my lips," Sidneyson said, growing angry. "We...
do....not.....rent....toads. If we rent beetles,
it's because a lot of people like to drive them. They're
made by Volkswagen, capisce?" He slammed the
phone down.
A magenta VW Beetle turned into the driveway of the
factory parking lot and exuded a hitchhiker. Even
at a great distance, Hieeronymus could tell that
this was one hitchhiker that would be worth getting
to know. The sun's rays danced in her luxuriant
mane of cornsilk hair. She turned toward him, and his
heart skipped a beat.
"Elmira Glastonbury!" he exclaimed weakly. "My favorite
niece. Little Elly....So she's not dead after all."
His mood brightened considerably as he reached for the
wall safe, where 160,000 bottles of good-quality
champagne were being kept at an ideal temperature. "We
are gonna celebrate tonight!" he chortled.
An alarming thought entered his mind. "We're down to
three toads, and nobody will supply any more," he
muttered. "We may actually have to start painting those
plates ourselves. Bummer!"
CHAPTER FOUR
Alonso Bleaker-Fortunato wiped the sweat
from his brow as he leaned against the front
window of the "Whole Donut" bakery. Inside,
his father was preparing to make another
batch of donuts, which meant that Alonso
would have to go back inside in a few minutes
to put the holes back into the donuts. This
had been his job since he was fifteen, and he
was proud that his father had such faith in
his abilities. In the last year, his duties
had expanded to include mixing the dough
for the quincunxes.
He frowned when he noticed that his sweat was
yellow. It took a moment for him to recall
that he had spent much of the morning combing
the heath for clues to the disappearance of his
beloved Elmira. It was buttercup season. That
would explain the yellow sweat.
"Hey, Alonso, how ya doin'?" It was Harry Huncastle,
blond and tanned and athletic in a red Izod polo
shirt and blue denim shorts.
"Oh, sorry, Harry, I didn't see you," Alonso said
apologetically. "I've been searching for Elmira, and
I'm afraid I haven't come up with anything.
Harry gave his friend a hug. "Alonso, give it up, dude.
She was lost at sea. There is no way her ship could
have gotten anywhere near the heath. Actually, I
just heard on the news that the ship was found
this morning in the middle of the Gobi Desert."
"Was she...was she...?" Alonso stammered.
"No, she wasn't," Harry said sadly, giving his friend
another hug. "No crew members were found. Just the
ship. Scientists can't explain how the ship happened
to get so far from the sea."
"Maybe it sailed into port, and was pushed into the
dessert by a ferocious storm?"
"All the way over the Himalayas? Dude, that would
have to have been quite a storm."
"Oh, right." A tear quivered on the edge of Alonso's
eye. He spread his arms to fend off a third hug from
his friend. "Say, Harry, there's a new bar in town, if
you're interested," he said, brightening a bit. "It's
called The New Bar."
"Yeah, I noticed," Harry said with a smile. "Wanna
go in and see what it's like?"
There weren't many customers in the bar when the two
men sauntered in. Mayor Stuphee and a young aide were
seated at a table in the corner, but they got up and
left. Professor Spillbeaker, who taught at the local
college, was seated at the counter.
"Interesting decor," Alonso remarked, taking in the
various posters that adorned the walls. There were
posters of barechested cowboys, celebrities like
Brad Pitt, and various top athletes.
"Yes, it's a cowboy-actor-athlete bar," Harry smiled.
"If anyone comes in who falls in all three categories,
he gets free drinks."
"There can't be many who would make the cut," Alonso
observed, sitting at a table near the window.
"Alonso, there's something I've wanted to talk about."
Harry's face wore an earnest and sincere expression now.
"We've both lived in this town all our lives, but our
paths have rarely crossed. Lately, I've watched you
get into a rut with your job, and now you're obsessed
with looking for Elmira in places where you are surely
not going to find her."
"That's because I can't afford to fly to the Gobi Dessert,"
Alonso objected. "You know I'd go if I could!"
"Yes, I know, dude," Harry said reassuringly. "But you
need to take care of yourself. Elmira's not here any more.
Would you like to move in with me for a few months?
I don't have a roommate any more, and there's plenty
of room in my place."
"I don't know, Harry. My hamsters would get awfully lonesome
if I left them now."
"Fine. Just keep my offer in mind." Harry squeezed his
friend's arm as they left.
The last thing either of them heard before the door closed
was Professor Spillbeaker's comment to the bartender about
experiments on mutant toads.
CHAPTER FIVE
Bridget "Babette" Glastonbury looked nothing like her
sister Elmira. While Elmira had cornsilk hair and an
ivory complexion, Babette was blessed with onyx hair
and light almond skin that glistened in the moonlight.
Babette had an innocent faith in the goodness of all
that she met, and her relationship with her husband was
one of go-for-broke passionate bliss. She would tape little
chocolate mints to her husband's pillow while he was
at work, so he would think his house had become a four-star
hotel when he got home for dinner at night. Every year
on Valentine's Day, she would hire someone who looked
just like Martha Stewart to come and cook dinner for
her beloved husband. This would be followed by a game
of bridge. This had gone awry only once, when the
Martha Stewart look-alike turned out to be unable
to cook like Martha Stewart.
Babette's kitchen was rather extensive, but it seemed
intimate with its large supply of quilted pot-holders
and tea cozies which hung from hooks around the perimeter
of the room. There were fluffy lace curtains with a
floral design at every window. Two large porcelain teapots
nestled like pixilated swans on top of the stove. As
her guests gathered in the Art Deco living room, Babette
happily tended the rhubarb-turnip croquettes that were
baking in the oven, and brewed a pot of vanilla Coke.
Through the kitchen doorway, Babette could hear snatches
of conversation as her guests nursed their aperitifs
and nibbled at Hostess cupcakes.
"Oh, by the way, you'll never guess who visited me in
my office last night," Uncle Heuronymus Fettle was saying.
"Your wife, maybe?" Alonso Bleaker-Fortunato guessed.
"Alonso, Mabie isn't Hieronymas's wife any more, remember?"
Eldridge Fountainsby corrected him. "You're married to
Aunt Punctilia now, right, Fettle?"
"Anyway, I was just hanging up after an important business
call, when who should I see but Elmira, my darling niece,
who hasn't visited me in ages. I offered her some champagne,
and we talked about old times for several minutes." Hearon-
ymus' face was ruddy and relaxed.
"Hieronymus, the reason Elmira hasn't visited you for a while
is because she was presumed lost at sea," Eldridge retorted,
"hadn't you heard?"
"Well, she did mention something about leaning over the side
of her cruise ship and reaching for the fin of a whale that
was going by," Heeronymus said, putting two and two together.
"And, she did look rather wet when she dropped in, but I
assumed she was just sweaty from the sun.
"So, she got a ride on the back of a whale, eh?" Alonso wondered
as Heironymus nodded. "I hope the cruise line didn't charge
her extra."
"Oh, I shouldn't think so," Aunt Punctilia observed, pouring
herself another hot, steaming cup of vanilla Coke with bay
leaves and little white marshmallows floating on the top.
"If the whale was a proper host and saw to it that little
Elly got fed, the cruise line actually saved money by not
having to feed her for the rest of the trip."
"But did she have to stay away so long?" Alonso said
unhappily. "I thought she was going to marry me, and she
knew I would need help coordinating my wedding tux.
"Alonso, she broke up with you two years ago," Eldridge
corrected him. "She was supposed to marry me a month ago."
"Oh, sorry, I forgot." Alonso apologized. "I guess that
means I can move in with Harry Huncastle. I'd better go
tell him...."
Just then, the doorbell rang. It was Elmira Glastonbury
herself at the door.
"Hi, sorry I'm late," Elmira said when Babette opened
the door.
"Oh, I know how the traffic can be this time of day,"
Babette said, giving her sister a peck on the cheek.
"No, no, I mean late getting back from my ocean cruise,"
Elmira tried to explain as her sister handed her a plate
full of rhubarb-turnip croquettes. She noticed Eldridge.
"And I think I missed a wedding, too. Can you ever forgive
me, El?"
"Um, let me think a minute......Yes, I can, Elly," Eldridge
said, his face beaming as he realized his good fortune.
"Elly, did you happen to notice any toads when you were
wandering on the heath yesterday?" Haironymus cut in.
"My company is in dire need of some."
The rest of the evening was quite pleasant as these
friends and relations were brought up to speed on what
had been transpiring in their lives lately.
CHAPTER SIX
Author's note: Regrettably, we have misplaced this
chapter. Let us assure the reader, however, that we
will insert it here as soon as we find it.
CHAPTER SEVEN
When Eldridge Fountainsby regained consciousness,
he found himself tied to a tree at the edge of
the heath. The sun had just risen, adumbrating the
distant mountains in sublime tones of ochre and
henna and amber. The azure sky was cloudless and
serene. In the centre of the heath, silken plumes
of smoke were still rising from the previous
night's luau.
Oh, yes, the luau, Eldridge thought bitterly. What a
neat idea it had seemed like at the time, especially
the idea about standing around eating slices of freshly
sliced pineapple. Who knew that those innocent-looking
pineapples would become weapons in the hands of the
giant mutant toads when they crashed the party at
sundown, abducting Elmira?
Eldridge thought ruefully about Alonso and Harry, who
had skipped blithely away from the horrid scene, still
making plans for their coming-out party. Babette and
her husband were easier to forgive, since Babette had
gotten a splinter in her finger while trying to wrestle
her sister away from the leader of the mutant toads.
Naturally, Babette's husband had whisked her away to
the hospital emergency room so it wouldn't get infected
and maybe kill her.
Eldridge thought ruefully about pursuing the toads
through the heath. The last thing he remembered was
catching up to them and being conked on the head
with a large pineapple. He wondered if the fruit's
impact would leave a bruise on his forehead. Wiggling
his arms, he noticed that the ropes were quite loose.
On closer inspection, he realized that they weren't
even tied, just wrapped around the tree a few times.
Soon he was free of the ropes entirely. He took a
cigarette from his pocket, lit it, and was about to
inhale when he remembered that he didn't smoke. So,
why was there a pack of camels in his pocket? Oh,
right, he remembered, one of Babette's boys had
given him some of the cigarettes that they had found
on the beach, so he could smoke one after making
whoopee with Elmira.
He extinguished the cigarette in disgust. There was a
sound of rustling nearby. Looking up, he saw an apolo-
getic-faced Elmira and a white-faced Uncle Huronymies.
"Eldridge, I'm sorry," Elmira said sadly. "This whole
abduction plan did not go the way we wanted it to.
Uncle Hieronymus never meant to hit you so hard with
that pineapple...."
"Uncle Hieronumis?" Eldridge exclaimed.
"Yes, Eldridge, it was I, disguised as a giant mutant
toad, that abducted Elmira and knocked you unconscious
with a piece of tropical fruit," Uncle Hieronymus ex-
plained. "Elmira was afraid that you were a dull fellow,
and would be a pain to have as a husband unless she
was able to find some way of igniting your passion.
It was her idea to have me disguise myself and abduct
her so that you would chase us and rescue her."
"But that's so unfair!" Eldridge exclaimed. "If my
passion had not been so intense, I would not have been
so deeply hurt when I thought Elmira was lost at sea."
Elmira and Uncle Heronymus looked at each other.
"Oh, there you are," came a cheerful voice from the
other side of the clearing. It was Babette. Her
husband was with her. "Good news, Eldridge, the splinter
came out easily, and there was no infection. And while
we were there, the doctors did a pregnancy test. Guess
what? I'm pregnant again!" Babette's husband hugged her,
a broad beaming smile on his face.
"Elmira, please forgive me if I'm a little dull,"
Eldridge apologized.
"Oh, but I do, I do," Elmira admitted, walking over to
him and kissing him. "You were so valiant to come
running after us like that. And don't be too hard on
Alonso and Harry and Babette. We tipped them off so
you would be all alone against the mutant toads...."
The others left so Eldridge and Elmira could be all
alone for their passionate love scene.
THE END
A Picaresque Romantic Odyssey by Algernon Percival Picklepucker
CHAPTER ONE
She stood at the top of the cliff, her wild, frenetic
hair blowing like effusive strands of ecru corn-silk
in the sea air. Behind her, the serpentine waves wore
caps of alabaster froth as they restlessly flung them-
selves at the jagged, barnacle-encrusted rocks on the
shore far below where she stood. The salt spray licked
at her opalescent earlobes, but she took no heed of it.
In front of her lay the heath, enshrouded as always in
a robust yet delicate puce mist that made each bush seem
like a fairy castle, each crow an angel of dark destruction.
Somewhere on that distant heath is my beloved, she thought.
She glanced momentarily toward the North, where purple
mountains' majesties shrugged under their awesome burden
of snowy responsibilty. She glanced toward the South,
where wizened good old boys sipped mint juleps, and
paddle-wheelers carried affluent yuppy tourists down
the sleepy Mississippi River toward the odoriferous delta.
Out of the corner of her limpid, dewy eye, she detected
movement as a distant figure moved across the heath
somewhere in the distance. Could it be Eldridge Fountainsby,
her inamorata? Alas, the distance was too great for her
to discern his identity. She reached into her handbag and
pulled out a green binocular case.
One glimpse of the distant stranger through the binoculars
told her that he was not Fountainsby at all, but rather
her previous lover, Alonso Bleaker-Fortunato, who had
made his fortune in oil and vinegar. He must not be allowed
to know that she was back.
With a sigh of ineluctable despair, she turned from the
heath and walked North along the sea-cliff. Perhaps she
would come across a road, and a kindly motorist would
give her a ride as far as Blasflenijj, where her sister
would be baking her customary fig-and-tomato pie, and
her little nephews would be searching for camels along
the shore.
Overhead, two palimpsests circled in the sky.
CHAPTER TWO
Eldridge Fountainsby drifted, half-asleep in his hammock.
The vermilion leafy canopy above him rustled slightly
under the influence of a slight, wispy breeze. He frowned,
beads of glistening sweat rolling down his forehead and
assaulting the corners of his mouth with their bitter,
salty excuterations.
Why, he wondered, was there hardly ever a breeze in the
summer, when you would welcome one, but a rogue's
gallery of biting winds in winter, when every crevice
in his mansion welcomed chilling drafts into all corners
or every room. But that was not the worst thing about
winter, he reflected. No, the worst thing was that he
would never again be able to keep himself warm by
cuddling next to Elmira Glastonbury, who had had the
nerve to get herself lost at sea just months before.
Could she still be alive, though? Her luscious, toothsome
body had never been found. Above, a bird made a strident
catoniation in a minor augmented key.
A passerby passed by in front of the Fountainsby mansion.
It was Harry Huncastle, Eldridge's best friend since
eighth grade. He waved at Eldridge. "Hi, Eldridge," he
said, pausing to wipe the sweat from his brow. "What're
you doing outside on such a hot day? Don't you have
air-conditioning inside?"
"There are too many things in there that remind me of
Elmira," Eldridge said, grimacing as if a dark shadow
had just passed overhead. The passerby shrugged sympa-
thetically and continued on his way.
CHAPTER THREE
The shadows were lengthening outside as Hieronymus
Fettle sat in his office, a phone cupped next to his
ear. "Why do they keep me on hold so much?" he grumbled.
Outside, the factory parking lot was beginning to
empty as employees reached the end of their shifts
and left to return to their homes, where cold TV
dinners and reruns of "Gomer Pyle" were probably
about all they could look forward to.
"Hello, this is Rent Anything Enterprises, Sid Sidneyson
speaking," a voice on the other end of the line cut in.
"How may I help you?"
"Hi, Sid," Hieronymous said, "my name is Heronymus
Fettle, and I run the Handpainted Dinnerware Factory in
Tuppers Falls. I need to rent some toads, if you've got
any you could spare."
"Toads, did you say?" Sidneyson exclaimed in disbelief.
"What makes you think we would have toads?"
"I figured you would, because your company is called
'Rent Anything Enterprises,'" Hieronnymus replied.
"Toads would definitely be considered to be anything."
"Well, there are certain assumptions that you'd have
to make," Sidneyson said, reaching for an antacid.
"The most important is that we would be willing to rent
anything that people would be likely to ask for. Nobody's
asked for toads before."
"I'll make it worth your while, Sid," Hironymus said,
frowning. "If you can deliver ten dozen toads by next
Tuesday, I'll pay anything that you ask for."
There was a moment of stunned silence on Sidneyson's
end of the line. "I have a huge load of dinnerware
that can't be shipped to my customers without them,"
Hieranymus added nervously.
"You mean you use toads to paint your dinnerware?"
Sidneyson exclaimed incredulously.
"Yes, I do," Hierronymus said proudly. "But what if I
needed them for another purpose? As long as you
got a paying customer, why would you care? Oh,
and I notice that you rent beetles, which would
surely be of little use to anybody."
"Read my lips," Sidneyson said, growing angry. "We...
do....not.....rent....toads. If we rent beetles,
it's because a lot of people like to drive them. They're
made by Volkswagen, capisce?" He slammed the
phone down.
A magenta VW Beetle turned into the driveway of the
factory parking lot and exuded a hitchhiker. Even
at a great distance, Hieeronymus could tell that
this was one hitchhiker that would be worth getting
to know. The sun's rays danced in her luxuriant
mane of cornsilk hair. She turned toward him, and his
heart skipped a beat.
"Elmira Glastonbury!" he exclaimed weakly. "My favorite
niece. Little Elly....So she's not dead after all."
His mood brightened considerably as he reached for the
wall safe, where 160,000 bottles of good-quality
champagne were being kept at an ideal temperature. "We
are gonna celebrate tonight!" he chortled.
An alarming thought entered his mind. "We're down to
three toads, and nobody will supply any more," he
muttered. "We may actually have to start painting those
plates ourselves. Bummer!"
CHAPTER FOUR
Alonso Bleaker-Fortunato wiped the sweat
from his brow as he leaned against the front
window of the "Whole Donut" bakery. Inside,
his father was preparing to make another
batch of donuts, which meant that Alonso
would have to go back inside in a few minutes
to put the holes back into the donuts. This
had been his job since he was fifteen, and he
was proud that his father had such faith in
his abilities. In the last year, his duties
had expanded to include mixing the dough
for the quincunxes.
He frowned when he noticed that his sweat was
yellow. It took a moment for him to recall
that he had spent much of the morning combing
the heath for clues to the disappearance of his
beloved Elmira. It was buttercup season. That
would explain the yellow sweat.
"Hey, Alonso, how ya doin'?" It was Harry Huncastle,
blond and tanned and athletic in a red Izod polo
shirt and blue denim shorts.
"Oh, sorry, Harry, I didn't see you," Alonso said
apologetically. "I've been searching for Elmira, and
I'm afraid I haven't come up with anything.
Harry gave his friend a hug. "Alonso, give it up, dude.
She was lost at sea. There is no way her ship could
have gotten anywhere near the heath. Actually, I
just heard on the news that the ship was found
this morning in the middle of the Gobi Desert."
"Was she...was she...?" Alonso stammered.
"No, she wasn't," Harry said sadly, giving his friend
another hug. "No crew members were found. Just the
ship. Scientists can't explain how the ship happened
to get so far from the sea."
"Maybe it sailed into port, and was pushed into the
dessert by a ferocious storm?"
"All the way over the Himalayas? Dude, that would
have to have been quite a storm."
"Oh, right." A tear quivered on the edge of Alonso's
eye. He spread his arms to fend off a third hug from
his friend. "Say, Harry, there's a new bar in town, if
you're interested," he said, brightening a bit. "It's
called The New Bar."
"Yeah, I noticed," Harry said with a smile. "Wanna
go in and see what it's like?"
There weren't many customers in the bar when the two
men sauntered in. Mayor Stuphee and a young aide were
seated at a table in the corner, but they got up and
left. Professor Spillbeaker, who taught at the local
college, was seated at the counter.
"Interesting decor," Alonso remarked, taking in the
various posters that adorned the walls. There were
posters of barechested cowboys, celebrities like
Brad Pitt, and various top athletes.
"Yes, it's a cowboy-actor-athlete bar," Harry smiled.
"If anyone comes in who falls in all three categories,
he gets free drinks."
"There can't be many who would make the cut," Alonso
observed, sitting at a table near the window.
"Alonso, there's something I've wanted to talk about."
Harry's face wore an earnest and sincere expression now.
"We've both lived in this town all our lives, but our
paths have rarely crossed. Lately, I've watched you
get into a rut with your job, and now you're obsessed
with looking for Elmira in places where you are surely
not going to find her."
"That's because I can't afford to fly to the Gobi Dessert,"
Alonso objected. "You know I'd go if I could!"
"Yes, I know, dude," Harry said reassuringly. "But you
need to take care of yourself. Elmira's not here any more.
Would you like to move in with me for a few months?
I don't have a roommate any more, and there's plenty
of room in my place."
"I don't know, Harry. My hamsters would get awfully lonesome
if I left them now."
"Fine. Just keep my offer in mind." Harry squeezed his
friend's arm as they left.
The last thing either of them heard before the door closed
was Professor Spillbeaker's comment to the bartender about
experiments on mutant toads.
CHAPTER FIVE
Bridget "Babette" Glastonbury looked nothing like her
sister Elmira. While Elmira had cornsilk hair and an
ivory complexion, Babette was blessed with onyx hair
and light almond skin that glistened in the moonlight.
Babette had an innocent faith in the goodness of all
that she met, and her relationship with her husband was
one of go-for-broke passionate bliss. She would tape little
chocolate mints to her husband's pillow while he was
at work, so he would think his house had become a four-star
hotel when he got home for dinner at night. Every year
on Valentine's Day, she would hire someone who looked
just like Martha Stewart to come and cook dinner for
her beloved husband. This would be followed by a game
of bridge. This had gone awry only once, when the
Martha Stewart look-alike turned out to be unable
to cook like Martha Stewart.
Babette's kitchen was rather extensive, but it seemed
intimate with its large supply of quilted pot-holders
and tea cozies which hung from hooks around the perimeter
of the room. There were fluffy lace curtains with a
floral design at every window. Two large porcelain teapots
nestled like pixilated swans on top of the stove. As
her guests gathered in the Art Deco living room, Babette
happily tended the rhubarb-turnip croquettes that were
baking in the oven, and brewed a pot of vanilla Coke.
Through the kitchen doorway, Babette could hear snatches
of conversation as her guests nursed their aperitifs
and nibbled at Hostess cupcakes.
"Oh, by the way, you'll never guess who visited me in
my office last night," Uncle Heuronymus Fettle was saying.
"Your wife, maybe?" Alonso Bleaker-Fortunato guessed.
"Alonso, Mabie isn't Hieronymas's wife any more, remember?"
Eldridge Fountainsby corrected him. "You're married to
Aunt Punctilia now, right, Fettle?"
"Anyway, I was just hanging up after an important business
call, when who should I see but Elmira, my darling niece,
who hasn't visited me in ages. I offered her some champagne,
and we talked about old times for several minutes." Hearon-
ymus' face was ruddy and relaxed.
"Hieronymus, the reason Elmira hasn't visited you for a while
is because she was presumed lost at sea," Eldridge retorted,
"hadn't you heard?"
"Well, she did mention something about leaning over the side
of her cruise ship and reaching for the fin of a whale that
was going by," Heeronymus said, putting two and two together.
"And, she did look rather wet when she dropped in, but I
assumed she was just sweaty from the sun.
"So, she got a ride on the back of a whale, eh?" Alonso wondered
as Heironymus nodded. "I hope the cruise line didn't charge
her extra."
"Oh, I shouldn't think so," Aunt Punctilia observed, pouring
herself another hot, steaming cup of vanilla Coke with bay
leaves and little white marshmallows floating on the top.
"If the whale was a proper host and saw to it that little
Elly got fed, the cruise line actually saved money by not
having to feed her for the rest of the trip."
"But did she have to stay away so long?" Alonso said
unhappily. "I thought she was going to marry me, and she
knew I would need help coordinating my wedding tux.
"Alonso, she broke up with you two years ago," Eldridge
corrected him. "She was supposed to marry me a month ago."
"Oh, sorry, I forgot." Alonso apologized. "I guess that
means I can move in with Harry Huncastle. I'd better go
tell him...."
Just then, the doorbell rang. It was Elmira Glastonbury
herself at the door.
"Hi, sorry I'm late," Elmira said when Babette opened
the door.
"Oh, I know how the traffic can be this time of day,"
Babette said, giving her sister a peck on the cheek.
"No, no, I mean late getting back from my ocean cruise,"
Elmira tried to explain as her sister handed her a plate
full of rhubarb-turnip croquettes. She noticed Eldridge.
"And I think I missed a wedding, too. Can you ever forgive
me, El?"
"Um, let me think a minute......Yes, I can, Elly," Eldridge
said, his face beaming as he realized his good fortune.
"Elly, did you happen to notice any toads when you were
wandering on the heath yesterday?" Haironymus cut in.
"My company is in dire need of some."
The rest of the evening was quite pleasant as these
friends and relations were brought up to speed on what
had been transpiring in their lives lately.
CHAPTER SIX
Author's note: Regrettably, we have misplaced this
chapter. Let us assure the reader, however, that we
will insert it here as soon as we find it.
CHAPTER SEVEN
When Eldridge Fountainsby regained consciousness,
he found himself tied to a tree at the edge of
the heath. The sun had just risen, adumbrating the
distant mountains in sublime tones of ochre and
henna and amber. The azure sky was cloudless and
serene. In the centre of the heath, silken plumes
of smoke were still rising from the previous
night's luau.
Oh, yes, the luau, Eldridge thought bitterly. What a
neat idea it had seemed like at the time, especially
the idea about standing around eating slices of freshly
sliced pineapple. Who knew that those innocent-looking
pineapples would become weapons in the hands of the
giant mutant toads when they crashed the party at
sundown, abducting Elmira?
Eldridge thought ruefully about Alonso and Harry, who
had skipped blithely away from the horrid scene, still
making plans for their coming-out party. Babette and
her husband were easier to forgive, since Babette had
gotten a splinter in her finger while trying to wrestle
her sister away from the leader of the mutant toads.
Naturally, Babette's husband had whisked her away to
the hospital emergency room so it wouldn't get infected
and maybe kill her.
Eldridge thought ruefully about pursuing the toads
through the heath. The last thing he remembered was
catching up to them and being conked on the head
with a large pineapple. He wondered if the fruit's
impact would leave a bruise on his forehead. Wiggling
his arms, he noticed that the ropes were quite loose.
On closer inspection, he realized that they weren't
even tied, just wrapped around the tree a few times.
Soon he was free of the ropes entirely. He took a
cigarette from his pocket, lit it, and was about to
inhale when he remembered that he didn't smoke. So,
why was there a pack of camels in his pocket? Oh,
right, he remembered, one of Babette's boys had
given him some of the cigarettes that they had found
on the beach, so he could smoke one after making
whoopee with Elmira.
He extinguished the cigarette in disgust. There was a
sound of rustling nearby. Looking up, he saw an apolo-
getic-faced Elmira and a white-faced Uncle Huronymies.
"Eldridge, I'm sorry," Elmira said sadly. "This whole
abduction plan did not go the way we wanted it to.
Uncle Hieronymus never meant to hit you so hard with
that pineapple...."
"Uncle Hieronumis?" Eldridge exclaimed.
"Yes, Eldridge, it was I, disguised as a giant mutant
toad, that abducted Elmira and knocked you unconscious
with a piece of tropical fruit," Uncle Hieronymus ex-
plained. "Elmira was afraid that you were a dull fellow,
and would be a pain to have as a husband unless she
was able to find some way of igniting your passion.
It was her idea to have me disguise myself and abduct
her so that you would chase us and rescue her."
"But that's so unfair!" Eldridge exclaimed. "If my
passion had not been so intense, I would not have been
so deeply hurt when I thought Elmira was lost at sea."
Elmira and Uncle Heronymus looked at each other.
"Oh, there you are," came a cheerful voice from the
other side of the clearing. It was Babette. Her
husband was with her. "Good news, Eldridge, the splinter
came out easily, and there was no infection. And while
we were there, the doctors did a pregnancy test. Guess
what? I'm pregnant again!" Babette's husband hugged her,
a broad beaming smile on his face.
"Elmira, please forgive me if I'm a little dull,"
Eldridge apologized.
"Oh, but I do, I do," Elmira admitted, walking over to
him and kissing him. "You were so valiant to come
running after us like that. And don't be too hard on
Alonso and Harry and Babette. We tipped them off so
you would be all alone against the mutant toads...."
The others left so Eldridge and Elmira could be all
alone for their passionate love scene.
THE END
