Christmas On Infinite Earths-Radio Script
Created | Updated Dec 12, 2005
This was to have been on the radio, for a show I do weekly called "DJ Fate's Wacky, Fun-Time Review," a name that's almost as mind-grating as the reality that poor DJ Fate perceives himself to be in. Alas, the station was mysteriously locked that night, and so it will have to be put on hold for a while.
Incidentally, keep in mind that the "Review" is an improv-heavy show. As such, this script is more of a suggestion to the actors for how they were to have played their part. The end result would likely have been better (or possibly worse, though with the actors I had that wasn't likely) than the script itself.
One other note: between the eight scenes, music was played, hence the vague suggestions for some things that the narrator could say around the end of the scenes.
Having said that, enjoy!
DJ FATE’S WACKY, FUN-TIME REVIEW
Episode 206: CHRISTMAS ON INFINITE EARTHS
SCENE 1: A Decade Of Coal For Fate
MUSIC Rusty Bucket Bay, gradual fade out under speaking.
NARRATOR T’was the night before Christmas, and in Rest Area 51, Dr. James Fate had been stirring a brand new potion.
SFX: Bubbling chemicals, electrical zaps, and the like.
FATE Mwe-heh-heh….Hehhehhehheh….
NARRATOR With two hours till midnight, the lab looked quite fine. Lights, tinsel and wrapping, held together with twine.
FATE Heh-heh…huh?
NARRATOR The narration was causing Fate mild alarm. What was this strange voice? Did it mean him harm?
FATE WHO ARE YOU, AND WHY ARE YOU IN MY LAB!
JON Oh, Dr. Fate! Dr. Fate, I can explain.
FATE It’d better be good, Lab Assistant Jon.
JON I wanted this year’s Christmas special to be more fun for everyone, so I’ve hired an ethereal, omniscient narrator to see us through till Santa’s arrival at midnight!
FATE Bah! Santa’s not so special….
NARRATOR Fate’s mind was all tense, though his outward stare implied that he had nary a care. But the truth of the matter in his mind all along was that he’d received coal now for a decade going strong.
FATE Hey! The audience doesn’t need to know that I’ve gotten coal!
JON Oh, it’s okay, Dr. Fate. He’s just providing exposition and establishing you as a character.
SFX: Clattering of chains, creaking door
MARLEY (eery moan) Faaaaattteee….
FATE Oh, now what?
NARRATOR Into the room came a pale ghost of old, with chains on his back from a story oft told!
FATE A ghost? On Christmas?!
JON He looks familiar….
MARLEY (eery still) As I should. I am the ghost of Jacob Marley, as seen in countless retellings of Charles Dickens “A Christmas Carol!”
FATE Marley? Oh, no….Jon, is this your doing? More attempt at making this Christmas episode “more fun?”
JON Well, I don’t think so. Maybe he’s a package deal that comes with the narrator.
MARLEY Well, actually….
FATE Great! Now I’ve got to learn to be a better person?! ARGH! And here I was mixing a potion to be the subject material for tonight’s show.
MARLEY If I could just…
FATE Fine, fine, get it over with! Let’s start with the year that a Christmas tree dragged me into the forest where I caught hypothermia! My Christmas bitterness probably stems from that.
MARLEY FATE! No time remains! Christmas is in peril!
FATE Peril? You mean I get to save Christmas instead of Christmas saving me? Why?
MARLEY Because, the dreaded Anti-Marketer is expecting all of the normal Christmas heroes! He has defenses set up against all of the kindness and sharing and Christmas spirit that those others generate!
JON Anti-Marketer?
MARLEY So instead, we turn to you to lead us in this fight, Dr. James Fate.
FATE Me?!
MARLEY Yes, you! With a consecutive decade of coal to your name, no one else is quite as bitter about Christmas as you! Your very essence is self-serving, greedy, and hostile, and yet you still enjoy the Christmas season! Dr. Fate, will you guide the war’s sleighs tonight?
FATE Well….
JON Oh, come on Dr. Fate!
FATE What’s in it for me?
JON/
MARLEY WHAT?!
FATE Hey, you want self serving and greedy, I’m just helping the cause along! What’s in it for me?
JON Oh, DJ Fate…you’ll never get off the Naughty list with that attitude.
MARLEY Actually, he probably can. This year is a one time offer. Save Christmas and renew the Christmas spirit for all of us, and Santa is willing to place you on the Nice list this year! With whatever you want as your reward.
FATE Hmmm….okay, I accept.
MARLEY You’ll need to build an army for your cause, an army spanning the dimensions of holiday stories! To pass such great distances, I shall offer you the services of the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future. Past and Future can lend in the time traveling, while Present can go anywhere spatially, as long as you’ve got the year right.
SFX Jingling Bells, signaling the holiday Temporal Travel
FATE What, more ghosts?
PRESENT (Very jovial) That we are, my friend! That we are!
PAST (Quietly, politely) I am Past. He is Present. And the dark cloaked fellow who doesn’t speak is Future.
MARLEY The Sugar Plum Fairy is also here to aid should you need to communicate to us through dreams.
FATE Dreams?
PLUM Uh-huh! Even if there’s lots of Christmas dimensions, there’s still only one Dreaming connecting them all. I can get messages to any Santa here in Earth One.
FATE Well, that’s just great. I can build your army. But where do I start? And what about intelligence on the enemy?
MARLEY We have several Santa Clauses from many dimensions attempting to monitor The Anti-Marketer. We shall prepare a full dossier for you very soon. As for where to begin recruiting, that is your decision, not mine.
FATE Bah! I don’t know a THING about holiday stories beyond getting presents!
JON Don’t worry, Dr. Fate! I know everything about Christmas, so I know where we should go!
FATE Why doesn’t that surprise me….
MARLEY Go now, Dr. Fate, herald of holiday heroes! Christmas is less than two hours away, and the Anti-Marketer won’t tolerate it any longer!
FATE Very well, let’s get going. Lead on, Jon! Oh, and here’s some holiday music for you people at home, this time traveling might take a while.
NARRATOR (Gives a rhyme summing up the situation, and announces what songs are next)
END SCENE 1
SCENE 2: “…And A Thing That Tells Time.”
SFX: Jingling bells, indicating time travel
FATE (Cough, cough) Grrr! You Christmas ghosts are horrible at this time travel! Too much flying through the air. Whenever *I* time travel, the ride’s less bumpy! Like last Christmas, when I time traveled through the previous year to erase all the deeds that put me on the Naughty List.
PAST My apologies. Though if I recall, you still failed to receive presents in that year. Our time traveling has yet to create any horrible, Universe shattering paradoxes.
JON Oh, but then you’re missing on the fun of it! Why, twice this year I almost prevented Bill Mumy from-
FATE FOCUS! Will someone PLEASE tell me when and where we are?
PRESENT (Jovial) This is the 1940’s, pre-World War 1, in the town of Hulman, Indiana, mere days before Christmas, in front of the house of a Mr. Parker!
FATE Jon, why’d you drop us in this dump? We’ll never find warriors to fight against this Anti-Marketer around here!
JON Oh, but we will! I thought we’d start by picking up a sharpshooter.
FATE Then why not send us to a Western?
RALPHIE Hey! What’re you people doing on my lawn!
JON Hey, little kid! We’re from an alternate dimension’s future, on a quest to save Christmas! And we need you!
RALPHIE What?!
FATE WHAT?!
JON See, in the movie “A Christmas Story,” Ralphie here has a dream where he gets his Christmas present, a Red-Rider BB Gun, and defends his house from an entire gang of bank robbers! With shooting like that, he’ll be a great member of your army!
RALPHIE You guys are freaking me out!
FATE Jon, two problems with this….first of all, it’s not Christmas yet so he doesn’t have the gun.
JON Ah, right…
FATE Second, there’s no WAY that a kid like this will have enough mad skillz with a BB gun…which, incidentally, isn’t the strongest type of weapon that we COULD be looking for…to match his prowess in his dreams.
RALPHIE I’m going to tell my mom on you!
SFX Feet running through snow
FATE Wait! Come back here, you-…great, there goes our cover. AND we didn’t even get this warrior. He didn’t even exist in the fictional movie you brought us to, Jon!
JON Sorry!
PLUM Actually, there is a way.
FATE Hmm?
PLUM With my connection to The Dreaming, I’m able to travel into the imaginations of such children, and return with the version of Ralphie that we seek.
FATE Oh! Well, I guess this trip won’t be a TOTAL loss.
JON See, DJ Fate? I know what I’m doing.
FATE Yes…sorry. Now, Sugar Plum Fairy, if you could please bring us this imaginary Raplhie?
PLUM Okay!
SFX Finger snap, twinkling chimes to indicate time travel
RALPHIE Take THAT Black Bart!
SFX Gun shot
FATE Woah! Careful where you’re aiming that, kid! You’ll shoot yer
JON DON’T SAY IT!
FATE What?
JON Hey, Ralphie! That’s some fancy shooti’! Do you reckon you could come with us to save Christmas?
RALPHIE Well, ah reckon I could!
FATE Okay. Wonderful. We’ve got a kid with a BB gun. This army is going splendidly. Where to next, oh master strategist?
JON Oh, I thought we’d go really far back in time and get Good King Winceslas. If he leads the army, we can walk through any snow drifts in our way.
FATE Ah! Lead on, then. Better load up some more songs to pass the time while we time travel.
JON Right.
NARRATOR (Another rhyme about what songs are next, and how we’ll be right back)
END SCENE 2
SCENE 3 Evil’s A Claw
SFX: Crowd of chattering, evil sounding beings.
NARRATOR The Anti-Marketer’s plan was still going strong, But DJ Fate’s army was coming along…nicely, but there’s a third faction to see, in the war to save Christmas on this Christmas Eve. The villains of Christmas were all a fluster, for they didn’t know just where their forces should muster! Do they fight with Santa and his hated bunch, or let the Anti-Marketer win, thus destroying them…as that was their hunch. So it was that they met, the whole grisly crew, at the top of Mt. Crumpit to decide what to do.
GRINCH Okay! Okay, if I could have everyone…QUIET!
SFX: The crowd quiets down.
GRINCH Thank you, thank you all for coming here on such short notice! I’ve not met many of you in person, but you’re on my anti-Christmas card list, I’m sure. I am the chairman of the board for this decade…The Grinch!
SFX: Polite applause
GRINCH Yes, yes, thank you. Now, we have a bit of a crisis before us, a situation coming up that none of us, I’m sure, are too happy about. So, let me turn the story over to the One….the Only….Ebeneezer….SCROOGE!
SFX: Wild applause
SCROOGE Thank you, thank you all. As operations officer, and treasurer of the Villains Of Christmas Organization,…and as the *cough* founder of this little conclave…
AUDIENCE (More applause, which dies down)
SCROOGE It falls to me to explain our situation. In the past we’ve dealt with any number of Christmas heroes. Elmo.
AUDIENCE Boo, hiss, etc.
SCROOGE Ernest.
AUDIENCE Boo, hiss, etc.
SCROOGE Jack Skelington, Homer Simpson, and even Santa ClaUs himself.
AUDIENCE DEATH TO CLAUS! DEATH TO CLAUS! DEATH TO CLAUS
GRINCH QUIET!
AUDIENCE Gradually stops
SCROOGE Thank you, Mr. Grinch…now, anyway, it seems that the new Recruit that we had been discussing for induction for Christmas of ought-six, a certain DJ Fate, has been turned into a Christmas hero!
AUDIENCE Gasp, mutter, whisper, etc.
SCROOGE With a decade of coal to his name, this year he’s going to be saving Christmas.
BOOGIE (Bluesy voice) But I thought we’d take this year off to relax! Who’s he fighting against!
GRINCH Turns out there’s an unregistered Christmas villain out there, Oogie. Ever hear of The Anti-Marketer? Well, he’s planning on ruining Christmas.
BOOGIE So?
GRINCH He doesn’t want to just ruin it for this year, though.
SCROOGE No! His plan is to go back to the beginning of time, where lies a great scroll upon which the rules that govern the holidays have been written! I’d like to thank Jack Frost for granting that bit of espionage to us. Jack couldn’t attend tonight due to a sudden thaw in Lapland that required his attention. Anyway, he plans on wiping out Christmas entirely, leaving us with no home to turn to!
GRINCH Now, if we play our cards right, we can help DJ Fate and his little army to win. But we can’t actually have Christmas being saved this year, else we’ll be in violation of the Holiday Villains Treaty, as established with Halloween and Arbor Day in ’93. So, who’s up for saving our plane of existence, but seeing to it that no one gets any presents at all this year!
AUDIENCE (Evil laughter, chortling)
SCROOGE Good, then! It’s unanimous. We’ll begin plotting to win against the Anti-Marketer AND Santa Claus immediately! (Crowd begins mumbling quietly)
NARRATOR And with that piece of exposition behind, we leave their planning to find better times. Up next, more Christmas music to keep holidays alive, for your enjoyment on The Source, 95. (END SCENE 3)
SCENE 4: Organizing The Troops
MUSIC: “Linus & Lucy”
FATE ERGH! This music….we just had to add the Peanuts gang to this whole deal, DIDN’T we?
JON Well, I don’t know about you, but *I* certainly feel safer knowing that Lucy’s on our side.
FATE That’s…look, the Peanuts crew is the least skillfull of this group of Fighters. Jack Skelington, sure, he commands an army of the undead. Ernest is a buffoon, but he wields a good yule log. Elmo’s gifted with a ridiculous devil-may-care attitude and enough good fortune to tide us through regardless of what happens. But what possible good can come of inviting the Peanuts gang, just because they had a single Christmas special?!
JON What if The Anti-Marketer’s got The Red Baron on his side?
FATE I…what?
JON Yeah! We’ll need Snoopy, the Flying Ace!
FATE I…can we PLEASE get this meeting underway before I go insane! Marley, we’ve got an army of a hundred strong holiday heroes, where’s this espionage you promised us?
MARLEY Thank you, DJ Fate.
FATE “Doctor.” My name is “Doctor James Fate”, not DJ…
MARLEY Whatever…now then, it seems that the Anti-Marketer is, as we previously assumed, the anti-matter Universe’s version of The Marketer that you held off in this dimension, Fate.
FATE Go on.
MARLEY But in the anti-matter Universe, this Marketer actually saw the light! In fact, he saw the light so much that he began to despise marketing of every type!
JON That’s impressive! DJ Fate actually won a battle?
FATE Quiet, or I’ll KILL you.
MARLEY Yes. But the Marketer hated Marketing so much, that anything involving marketing was, in his eyes, inherently evil. Especially holidays which, when the gift companies discovered them, could become inextricably linked to marketing. And since Christmas is the largest of these holidays, Christmas became the Anti-Marketer’s prime target!
JON Talk about over-compensating.
MARLEY Indeed! His plan now, it seems, is to travel to the beginning of time, so that he can rewrite the scroll upon which the rules of the holidays are written!
FATE Rules of the holidays?
MARLEY Yes! He intends to erase the portion of the scroll pertaining to the Naughty/Nice lists, and just write the words “Everyone Gets Coal.”
FATE Hmm…the rules of the holidays…I’ll have to see this scroll before we finish…
MARLEY Out of the question! It’s too dangerous. Now, originally we’d planned on using the ghosts of Christmas to revive the love of the parts of Christmas that haven’t been killed off by commercialism.
PAST As it turned out, he had already built himself an entire army of robot soldiers, fueled by his own hatred of holidays. Their positronic brains generate too much negative emotion for us to get through! Once our army cuts through those toy soldiers, we’ll be able to get to him.
MARLEY But it won’t be easy! Christmas has never gone well in that dimension. Tiny Tim had to receive an amputation, Charlie Brown’s tree was merely thrown in a dumpster, and King Winceslas was poisoned with some bad figgy pudding! Negative emotions tend to run high for everyone around Christmas time over there.
FATE I’m sure I’d take this more seriously if those darn Peanuts kids would STOP PLAYING THEIR MUSIC! Anyway, are we ready? Let’s just get this over with.
NARRATOR (Another rhyme, upcoming songs, etc., etc.)
END SCENE 4
SCENE 5 Beneath The Coal-Black Sky
SFX: Twinkly sound to indicate time travel
MUSIC “Sandy Claur Is Comin’ To Town”
FATE Okay, we’re all here…we ready to begin preparing for the big fight?
JON Yeah. The troops are gearing up, and we’ve got a ways to march before we get to this planet’s central city where the toy soldiers are waiting for us.
FATE Hmm. Sky sure is black, isn’t it?
MARLEY Fueled by the coal from centuries of stockings, collected from throughout the Multiverse!
FATE Man, this Anti-Marketer’s got a lot of time on his hands…
MARLEY And he loves the symbolism.
JON You know, Dr. Fate, I’ve been thinking. We’re not doing this right at all.
FATE What do you mean?
JON Well, Christmas villains never get beaten in big, bloody battles. The villains always learn a lesson about Christmas, and become better people. The Grinch, for instance, his heart grew three sizes when he learned the true meaning of Christmas.
FATE Three sizes? That’s what it takes?
JON I guess.
FATE Neron.
JON Huh?
FATE Neron, he was a Christmas villain in DC Comics, in an issue of Justice League. A kind of demonic person that would give you a present , and then take something from you. There was a bloody battle there, ending when Santa gave him a gift without expecting anything in return.
JON Yeah, but even after the massive fight he was still beaten when he learned the meaning of Christmas. And besides, is it really wise to connect yourself to DC Comics, “Dr. Fate”?
FATE Hey, my name is Dr. JAMES Fate. In no way do I violate any copyrights or trademarks, especially since I’m nothing like that DC Character who’s name I certainly don’t know. Anyway, you’ve given me an idea, Jon. I think I know how to end this war quickly in case it goes too badly.
JON How?
FATE Oh, you’ll see. And if all goes well, maybe Tiny Tim can get some cybernetic legs when I’m done.
JON What?
NARRATOR And with that, Dr. James Fate, called thus to avoid being sued, entered a very curious mood. He dashed through the snow to the war camp’s main tent, and picked up his inventions as prep time was spent. What will be this invention when it is revealed? Will it save the day, or have their fates been sealed? And what of the villains, that sub-plot need attention. I guess you’ll have to stay tuned to The Source, 95.1
END SCENE 5
SCENE 6
SFX Sounds of gunfire
NARRATOR The fight lasted long, all guns a blazing. Performed were feats astonishing and amazing! But try as they might, they couldn’t get through! The anti-marketer’s army had been training too.
FATE This isn’t going well. We can’t get close enough for me to use my weapon!
MARLEY The plan is to get close enough for the Ghosts of Christmas to get to him!
FATE Er, yeah. But you know, I really think we should try my weapon.
MARLEY Well…what’s it do?
FATE Oh, that’d ruin the surprise, Marley! But trust me, based on a conversation I had with Lab Assistant Jon I know for a fact that it can’t fail to save Christmas!
SCROOGE (eery voice) Maaaarlleeeeeey!
MARLEY AH! Who’s sneaking up on us?!
FATE (Gasp) It’s an assortment of Christmas villains!
MARLEY Don’t you DARE sneak up on me like that, Scrooge!
SCROOGE Oh, you had it coming. Happens to me every year! Now then, we thought we’d help you out.
FATE You? But you hate Christmas!
GRINCH Just enough that we’re willing to cancel it annually. Without the threat of Christmas every year, we’d have to find a new holiday to hate or else we’d cease to exist!
SCROOGE And Arbor Day wasn’t taking applications!
GRINCH So we’re here to lend a distracting hand.
FATE Hmmm…
JON Great! We can use all the help we can get.
FATE I don’t know…HUDDLE! Look Jon, Marley, we can’t trust them! They’re the villains of Christmas!
MARLEY But they’ve changed in the past! Perhaps this is them changing to be good again, as they do every year.
JON Yeah, Dr. Fate. Be more trusting.
FATE No, I can tell. They’re up to something! And that Scrooge fellow…he looks familiar.
GRINCH And to sweeten the deal, we promise not to make DJ Fate a Christmas villain next year, as we’d been planning.
JON See, DJ Fate? Can’t argue with that!
FATE Wait, how do they MAKE someone be a…
MARLEY We agree to your help! But how do you plan on getting us to the Anti-Marketer?
SCROOGE We worked hard all night before you got here. We’ve dug a tunnel, leading straight to the Anti-Marketer. There’s no way we’ll fail.
MARLEY Excellent!
FATE No, I don’t think this is-
JON Onward!
NARRATOR And so it was agreed, they’d take this tunnel. The villains would stay behind and finish what was begun-el.
FATE Oh, that’s stretching it…
NARRATOR With a wink and a flash, our heroes set out right on cue, so now here’s more Christmas music especially for you.
END SCENE 6
SCENE 7 Abrupt Ending!
NARRATOR With the tunnel traversed, the army of good approached the Anti-Marketer just as fast as they could! With pulses fast, and three Christmas ghosts ready, everything seemed to be ready!
FATE Ergh! Jon, help me, this is too hard to cary with a tarp over it.
JON Why don’t we take it off?
FATE No! No, that would ruin the surprise! I’m not going to be upstaged by three ghosts, you hear me? I’ll save Christmas myself, and be guaranteed a spot on that Nice list!
JON I think you’ve already earned that, Dr. Fate. Why not just let the plan go as planned?
FATE No, don’t you see? They’re trying to get me on a technicality, the Christmas Villains! Because they’re helping, the army I gathered is useless, therefore my Christmas will be ruined! That’s what they’re up to!
JON Mighty suspicious of you…
FATE I know! Careful now, we’re through the tunnel.
MARLEY Look! The anti-marketer’s throne room…
ANTI Now then, where are those servants? I told them to bring that Scroll hours ago! It’s almost Christmas, and I can’t afford for a single second of that commercialistic claptrap to infiltrate the Multiverse any longer!
PAST Now’s our chance! Hurry, Present and Future, we can make him see the joy in Christmas in a matter of moments!
PRESENT Right-O!
SFX: Twinkling bells
MARLEY Excellent! The Christmas Spirit-O-meter is rising. He’ll be in love with the holidays in a matter of moments!
FATE Heh. Yeah. After *I* finish with him.
MARLEY What do you mean?
FATE Just watch. Jon, pull the tarp off of that invention of mine, will you?
JON Erm…if you say so…
SFX: Fwoosh
FATE Behold! The Gigacardio Ray!
MARLEY What? No! No, that’s not how we do things. See, we make our villains see the light, and…
FATE Oh, he will! This is a ray, parts purchased from Scrooge-Co, that’ll make his heart grow three sizes larger! That’ll do it!
MARLEY I don’t think that…
JON I didn’t mean…
FATE Take this, Anti-Marketer!
SFX: Ray gun
ANTI Argh! My….my heart, it….feel like…chest…exploding….
FATE See! Already he’s being flooded with joy and the Christmas spirit!
ANTI ….but I’d…just seen the light! Those spirits wouldn’t…take that from…me…
JON Oh, that’s depressing…
FATE Anti? Anti-Marketer? Get up, and dance! You’ve not missed it, there’s still time to celebrate Christmas, and…
MARLEY Increasing the heart is a metaphor, you dimwit! Great. Now he’s dying, and Christmas is ruined this year.
FATE Huh?
MARLEY Yes. No nice year for you this time, I’m afraid. At least the Universe is safe, but around here it’s morbid and dreary.
FATE But no, I…
JON You know, I bet this is what those villains were planning all along, DJ Fate. They’d get you suspicious, and then you’d ruin it all when you got greedy for glory.
SCROOGE Heh. Smart lab assistant you’ve got there.
FATE No! Marley, get back here this instant! I demand to be on the Nice list!
SCROOGE Oh no, he’s angry! Hurry, everyone, escape in our getaway vehicle, the Hum-Bug!
FATE No, get back here! All of you! We won, and we’re happy! Sing with me! Hark the Herald, angels sing…
Hello?
Anyone?
(sigh) We’ll be right back…
END SCENE 7
SCENE 8 Crimes Against Holidays
SANTA Dr. James Fate of Rest Area 51, you have been charged with crimes against the holidays by nearly disrupting the fabric of seasonal magic at the beginning of time, and by ruining Christmas in the antimatter Universe for this year!
FATE Yes, but there were extenuating circumstances Santa, and I believe that-
SANTA Jury?
JURY GUILTY!
SANTA Sorry, Dr. Fate. Can’t put you on the Nice list this year. Another year of coal. But next year, you’ll be very Nice, won’t you?
FATE But I WAS nice this year, and-
JON Don’t worry, DJ Fate! I’ve still got a present for you! Homemade Christmas cookies!
FATE Thanks Jon, but…but no, this isn’t fair! I was promised the Nice list! I demand a mistrial!
SANTA Sorry, Fate, but there’s no time to change it now, I’m late as it is! I’ll not be back before 6 AM at this rate!
FATE No! No! I have rights! I wasn’t given a jury of my peers, I was given a jury of elves! I won’t forget this, Santa! I’ll be back! Do you hear me? I’m officially declaring myself to be a Christmas villain! YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THE LAST OF ME, KRINGLE! I’LL BE BACK FOR REVENGE! DO YOU HEAR ME?! REVENGE!
MUSIC Deck The Halls
NARRATOR And Doctor Fate was as good as his word! Every year from then on, he attempted comically ineffective vengeance on all of the Christmas heroes, starting with the very next morning when he met with some moderate success!
FATE Ha! That’s half of Tab, Indiana infected with my Hum-Bug virus! They’ll only be able to murmur their carols this year! Muhuhuhahaha!
NARRATOR And everyone had a merry Christmas after all, for the villains had claimed a moral victory over the season, the scroll of holiday rules was unaltered, and presents were delivered. The only people unhappy were the family of the Anti-Marketer, and Dr. Fate, who received coal for the eleventh consecutive year.
FATE BAH HUMBUG!
SCROOGE That’s the spirit!
NARRATOR And Tiny Tim…who did NOT die…was able to sue the pants off of the doctor’s in the antimatter Universe once he found wealth through the new Universe’s amazing concept of Capitalism!
TINY TIM In God we trust to bless us, everyone!
NARRATOR So on that day, when Christmas came, everyone knew Dr. Fate’s name. He was invited to parties and, with much prodding from Jon, dressed up as Santa and got his groove on!
FATE …this is depressing me…
NARRATOR He was invited to the north pole for one final holiday feast! And he himself, Dr. Fate, was forced to carve the Roast Beast.
FATE Bah! I’m never celebrating this holiday again! It’s stupid! It has stupid Christmas specials, with stupid lousy messages, and plot holes, and it makes no sense!
MARLEY Be a good helper and pass another slice, please?
FATE Very well, you win this round! But I’ll be back! Next year…(End)
Incidentally, keep in mind that the "Review" is an improv-heavy show. As such, this script is more of a suggestion to the actors for how they were to have played their part. The end result would likely have been better (or possibly worse, though with the actors I had that wasn't likely) than the script itself.
One other note: between the eight scenes, music was played, hence the vague suggestions for some things that the narrator could say around the end of the scenes.
Having said that, enjoy!
DJ FATE’S WACKY, FUN-TIME REVIEW
Episode 206: CHRISTMAS ON INFINITE EARTHS
SCENE 1: A Decade Of Coal For Fate
MUSIC Rusty Bucket Bay, gradual fade out under speaking.
NARRATOR T’was the night before Christmas, and in Rest Area 51, Dr. James Fate had been stirring a brand new potion.
SFX: Bubbling chemicals, electrical zaps, and the like.
FATE Mwe-heh-heh….Hehhehhehheh….
NARRATOR With two hours till midnight, the lab looked quite fine. Lights, tinsel and wrapping, held together with twine.
FATE Heh-heh…huh?
NARRATOR The narration was causing Fate mild alarm. What was this strange voice? Did it mean him harm?
FATE WHO ARE YOU, AND WHY ARE YOU IN MY LAB!
JON Oh, Dr. Fate! Dr. Fate, I can explain.
FATE It’d better be good, Lab Assistant Jon.
JON I wanted this year’s Christmas special to be more fun for everyone, so I’ve hired an ethereal, omniscient narrator to see us through till Santa’s arrival at midnight!
FATE Bah! Santa’s not so special….
NARRATOR Fate’s mind was all tense, though his outward stare implied that he had nary a care. But the truth of the matter in his mind all along was that he’d received coal now for a decade going strong.
FATE Hey! The audience doesn’t need to know that I’ve gotten coal!
JON Oh, it’s okay, Dr. Fate. He’s just providing exposition and establishing you as a character.
SFX: Clattering of chains, creaking door
MARLEY (eery moan) Faaaaattteee….
FATE Oh, now what?
NARRATOR Into the room came a pale ghost of old, with chains on his back from a story oft told!
FATE A ghost? On Christmas?!
JON He looks familiar….
MARLEY (eery still) As I should. I am the ghost of Jacob Marley, as seen in countless retellings of Charles Dickens “A Christmas Carol!”
FATE Marley? Oh, no….Jon, is this your doing? More attempt at making this Christmas episode “more fun?”
JON Well, I don’t think so. Maybe he’s a package deal that comes with the narrator.
MARLEY Well, actually….
FATE Great! Now I’ve got to learn to be a better person?! ARGH! And here I was mixing a potion to be the subject material for tonight’s show.
MARLEY If I could just…
FATE Fine, fine, get it over with! Let’s start with the year that a Christmas tree dragged me into the forest where I caught hypothermia! My Christmas bitterness probably stems from that.
MARLEY FATE! No time remains! Christmas is in peril!
FATE Peril? You mean I get to save Christmas instead of Christmas saving me? Why?
MARLEY Because, the dreaded Anti-Marketer is expecting all of the normal Christmas heroes! He has defenses set up against all of the kindness and sharing and Christmas spirit that those others generate!
JON Anti-Marketer?
MARLEY So instead, we turn to you to lead us in this fight, Dr. James Fate.
FATE Me?!
MARLEY Yes, you! With a consecutive decade of coal to your name, no one else is quite as bitter about Christmas as you! Your very essence is self-serving, greedy, and hostile, and yet you still enjoy the Christmas season! Dr. Fate, will you guide the war’s sleighs tonight?
FATE Well….
JON Oh, come on Dr. Fate!
FATE What’s in it for me?
JON/
MARLEY WHAT?!
FATE Hey, you want self serving and greedy, I’m just helping the cause along! What’s in it for me?
JON Oh, DJ Fate…you’ll never get off the Naughty list with that attitude.
MARLEY Actually, he probably can. This year is a one time offer. Save Christmas and renew the Christmas spirit for all of us, and Santa is willing to place you on the Nice list this year! With whatever you want as your reward.
FATE Hmmm….okay, I accept.
MARLEY You’ll need to build an army for your cause, an army spanning the dimensions of holiday stories! To pass such great distances, I shall offer you the services of the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future. Past and Future can lend in the time traveling, while Present can go anywhere spatially, as long as you’ve got the year right.
SFX Jingling Bells, signaling the holiday Temporal Travel
FATE What, more ghosts?
PRESENT (Very jovial) That we are, my friend! That we are!
PAST (Quietly, politely) I am Past. He is Present. And the dark cloaked fellow who doesn’t speak is Future.
MARLEY The Sugar Plum Fairy is also here to aid should you need to communicate to us through dreams.
FATE Dreams?
PLUM Uh-huh! Even if there’s lots of Christmas dimensions, there’s still only one Dreaming connecting them all. I can get messages to any Santa here in Earth One.
FATE Well, that’s just great. I can build your army. But where do I start? And what about intelligence on the enemy?
MARLEY We have several Santa Clauses from many dimensions attempting to monitor The Anti-Marketer. We shall prepare a full dossier for you very soon. As for where to begin recruiting, that is your decision, not mine.
FATE Bah! I don’t know a THING about holiday stories beyond getting presents!
JON Don’t worry, Dr. Fate! I know everything about Christmas, so I know where we should go!
FATE Why doesn’t that surprise me….
MARLEY Go now, Dr. Fate, herald of holiday heroes! Christmas is less than two hours away, and the Anti-Marketer won’t tolerate it any longer!
FATE Very well, let’s get going. Lead on, Jon! Oh, and here’s some holiday music for you people at home, this time traveling might take a while.
NARRATOR (Gives a rhyme summing up the situation, and announces what songs are next)
END SCENE 1
SCENE 2: “…And A Thing That Tells Time.”
SFX: Jingling bells, indicating time travel
FATE (Cough, cough) Grrr! You Christmas ghosts are horrible at this time travel! Too much flying through the air. Whenever *I* time travel, the ride’s less bumpy! Like last Christmas, when I time traveled through the previous year to erase all the deeds that put me on the Naughty List.
PAST My apologies. Though if I recall, you still failed to receive presents in that year. Our time traveling has yet to create any horrible, Universe shattering paradoxes.
JON Oh, but then you’re missing on the fun of it! Why, twice this year I almost prevented Bill Mumy from-
FATE FOCUS! Will someone PLEASE tell me when and where we are?
PRESENT (Jovial) This is the 1940’s, pre-World War 1, in the town of Hulman, Indiana, mere days before Christmas, in front of the house of a Mr. Parker!
FATE Jon, why’d you drop us in this dump? We’ll never find warriors to fight against this Anti-Marketer around here!
JON Oh, but we will! I thought we’d start by picking up a sharpshooter.
FATE Then why not send us to a Western?
RALPHIE Hey! What’re you people doing on my lawn!
JON Hey, little kid! We’re from an alternate dimension’s future, on a quest to save Christmas! And we need you!
RALPHIE What?!
FATE WHAT?!
JON See, in the movie “A Christmas Story,” Ralphie here has a dream where he gets his Christmas present, a Red-Rider BB Gun, and defends his house from an entire gang of bank robbers! With shooting like that, he’ll be a great member of your army!
RALPHIE You guys are freaking me out!
FATE Jon, two problems with this….first of all, it’s not Christmas yet so he doesn’t have the gun.
JON Ah, right…
FATE Second, there’s no WAY that a kid like this will have enough mad skillz with a BB gun…which, incidentally, isn’t the strongest type of weapon that we COULD be looking for…to match his prowess in his dreams.
RALPHIE I’m going to tell my mom on you!
SFX Feet running through snow
FATE Wait! Come back here, you-…great, there goes our cover. AND we didn’t even get this warrior. He didn’t even exist in the fictional movie you brought us to, Jon!
JON Sorry!
PLUM Actually, there is a way.
FATE Hmm?
PLUM With my connection to The Dreaming, I’m able to travel into the imaginations of such children, and return with the version of Ralphie that we seek.
FATE Oh! Well, I guess this trip won’t be a TOTAL loss.
JON See, DJ Fate? I know what I’m doing.
FATE Yes…sorry. Now, Sugar Plum Fairy, if you could please bring us this imaginary Raplhie?
PLUM Okay!
SFX Finger snap, twinkling chimes to indicate time travel
RALPHIE Take THAT Black Bart!
SFX Gun shot
FATE Woah! Careful where you’re aiming that, kid! You’ll shoot yer
JON DON’T SAY IT!
FATE What?
JON Hey, Ralphie! That’s some fancy shooti’! Do you reckon you could come with us to save Christmas?
RALPHIE Well, ah reckon I could!
FATE Okay. Wonderful. We’ve got a kid with a BB gun. This army is going splendidly. Where to next, oh master strategist?
JON Oh, I thought we’d go really far back in time and get Good King Winceslas. If he leads the army, we can walk through any snow drifts in our way.
FATE Ah! Lead on, then. Better load up some more songs to pass the time while we time travel.
JON Right.
NARRATOR (Another rhyme about what songs are next, and how we’ll be right back)
END SCENE 2
SCENE 3 Evil’s A Claw
SFX: Crowd of chattering, evil sounding beings.
NARRATOR The Anti-Marketer’s plan was still going strong, But DJ Fate’s army was coming along…nicely, but there’s a third faction to see, in the war to save Christmas on this Christmas Eve. The villains of Christmas were all a fluster, for they didn’t know just where their forces should muster! Do they fight with Santa and his hated bunch, or let the Anti-Marketer win, thus destroying them…as that was their hunch. So it was that they met, the whole grisly crew, at the top of Mt. Crumpit to decide what to do.
GRINCH Okay! Okay, if I could have everyone…QUIET!
SFX: The crowd quiets down.
GRINCH Thank you, thank you all for coming here on such short notice! I’ve not met many of you in person, but you’re on my anti-Christmas card list, I’m sure. I am the chairman of the board for this decade…The Grinch!
SFX: Polite applause
GRINCH Yes, yes, thank you. Now, we have a bit of a crisis before us, a situation coming up that none of us, I’m sure, are too happy about. So, let me turn the story over to the One….the Only….Ebeneezer….SCROOGE!
SFX: Wild applause
SCROOGE Thank you, thank you all. As operations officer, and treasurer of the Villains Of Christmas Organization,…and as the *cough* founder of this little conclave…
AUDIENCE (More applause, which dies down)
SCROOGE It falls to me to explain our situation. In the past we’ve dealt with any number of Christmas heroes. Elmo.
AUDIENCE Boo, hiss, etc.
SCROOGE Ernest.
AUDIENCE Boo, hiss, etc.
SCROOGE Jack Skelington, Homer Simpson, and even Santa ClaUs himself.
AUDIENCE DEATH TO CLAUS! DEATH TO CLAUS! DEATH TO CLAUS
GRINCH QUIET!
AUDIENCE Gradually stops
SCROOGE Thank you, Mr. Grinch…now, anyway, it seems that the new Recruit that we had been discussing for induction for Christmas of ought-six, a certain DJ Fate, has been turned into a Christmas hero!
AUDIENCE Gasp, mutter, whisper, etc.
SCROOGE With a decade of coal to his name, this year he’s going to be saving Christmas.
BOOGIE (Bluesy voice) But I thought we’d take this year off to relax! Who’s he fighting against!
GRINCH Turns out there’s an unregistered Christmas villain out there, Oogie. Ever hear of The Anti-Marketer? Well, he’s planning on ruining Christmas.
BOOGIE So?
GRINCH He doesn’t want to just ruin it for this year, though.
SCROOGE No! His plan is to go back to the beginning of time, where lies a great scroll upon which the rules that govern the holidays have been written! I’d like to thank Jack Frost for granting that bit of espionage to us. Jack couldn’t attend tonight due to a sudden thaw in Lapland that required his attention. Anyway, he plans on wiping out Christmas entirely, leaving us with no home to turn to!
GRINCH Now, if we play our cards right, we can help DJ Fate and his little army to win. But we can’t actually have Christmas being saved this year, else we’ll be in violation of the Holiday Villains Treaty, as established with Halloween and Arbor Day in ’93. So, who’s up for saving our plane of existence, but seeing to it that no one gets any presents at all this year!
AUDIENCE (Evil laughter, chortling)
SCROOGE Good, then! It’s unanimous. We’ll begin plotting to win against the Anti-Marketer AND Santa Claus immediately! (Crowd begins mumbling quietly)
NARRATOR And with that piece of exposition behind, we leave their planning to find better times. Up next, more Christmas music to keep holidays alive, for your enjoyment on The Source, 95. (END SCENE 3)
SCENE 4: Organizing The Troops
MUSIC: “Linus & Lucy”
FATE ERGH! This music….we just had to add the Peanuts gang to this whole deal, DIDN’T we?
JON Well, I don’t know about you, but *I* certainly feel safer knowing that Lucy’s on our side.
FATE That’s…look, the Peanuts crew is the least skillfull of this group of Fighters. Jack Skelington, sure, he commands an army of the undead. Ernest is a buffoon, but he wields a good yule log. Elmo’s gifted with a ridiculous devil-may-care attitude and enough good fortune to tide us through regardless of what happens. But what possible good can come of inviting the Peanuts gang, just because they had a single Christmas special?!
JON What if The Anti-Marketer’s got The Red Baron on his side?
FATE I…what?
JON Yeah! We’ll need Snoopy, the Flying Ace!
FATE I…can we PLEASE get this meeting underway before I go insane! Marley, we’ve got an army of a hundred strong holiday heroes, where’s this espionage you promised us?
MARLEY Thank you, DJ Fate.
FATE “Doctor.” My name is “Doctor James Fate”, not DJ…
MARLEY Whatever…now then, it seems that the Anti-Marketer is, as we previously assumed, the anti-matter Universe’s version of The Marketer that you held off in this dimension, Fate.
FATE Go on.
MARLEY But in the anti-matter Universe, this Marketer actually saw the light! In fact, he saw the light so much that he began to despise marketing of every type!
JON That’s impressive! DJ Fate actually won a battle?
FATE Quiet, or I’ll KILL you.
MARLEY Yes. But the Marketer hated Marketing so much, that anything involving marketing was, in his eyes, inherently evil. Especially holidays which, when the gift companies discovered them, could become inextricably linked to marketing. And since Christmas is the largest of these holidays, Christmas became the Anti-Marketer’s prime target!
JON Talk about over-compensating.
MARLEY Indeed! His plan now, it seems, is to travel to the beginning of time, so that he can rewrite the scroll upon which the rules of the holidays are written!
FATE Rules of the holidays?
MARLEY Yes! He intends to erase the portion of the scroll pertaining to the Naughty/Nice lists, and just write the words “Everyone Gets Coal.”
FATE Hmm…the rules of the holidays…I’ll have to see this scroll before we finish…
MARLEY Out of the question! It’s too dangerous. Now, originally we’d planned on using the ghosts of Christmas to revive the love of the parts of Christmas that haven’t been killed off by commercialism.
PAST As it turned out, he had already built himself an entire army of robot soldiers, fueled by his own hatred of holidays. Their positronic brains generate too much negative emotion for us to get through! Once our army cuts through those toy soldiers, we’ll be able to get to him.
MARLEY But it won’t be easy! Christmas has never gone well in that dimension. Tiny Tim had to receive an amputation, Charlie Brown’s tree was merely thrown in a dumpster, and King Winceslas was poisoned with some bad figgy pudding! Negative emotions tend to run high for everyone around Christmas time over there.
FATE I’m sure I’d take this more seriously if those darn Peanuts kids would STOP PLAYING THEIR MUSIC! Anyway, are we ready? Let’s just get this over with.
NARRATOR (Another rhyme, upcoming songs, etc., etc.)
END SCENE 4
SCENE 5 Beneath The Coal-Black Sky
SFX: Twinkly sound to indicate time travel
MUSIC “Sandy Claur Is Comin’ To Town”
FATE Okay, we’re all here…we ready to begin preparing for the big fight?
JON Yeah. The troops are gearing up, and we’ve got a ways to march before we get to this planet’s central city where the toy soldiers are waiting for us.
FATE Hmm. Sky sure is black, isn’t it?
MARLEY Fueled by the coal from centuries of stockings, collected from throughout the Multiverse!
FATE Man, this Anti-Marketer’s got a lot of time on his hands…
MARLEY And he loves the symbolism.
JON You know, Dr. Fate, I’ve been thinking. We’re not doing this right at all.
FATE What do you mean?
JON Well, Christmas villains never get beaten in big, bloody battles. The villains always learn a lesson about Christmas, and become better people. The Grinch, for instance, his heart grew three sizes when he learned the true meaning of Christmas.
FATE Three sizes? That’s what it takes?
JON I guess.
FATE Neron.
JON Huh?
FATE Neron, he was a Christmas villain in DC Comics, in an issue of Justice League. A kind of demonic person that would give you a present , and then take something from you. There was a bloody battle there, ending when Santa gave him a gift without expecting anything in return.
JON Yeah, but even after the massive fight he was still beaten when he learned the meaning of Christmas. And besides, is it really wise to connect yourself to DC Comics, “Dr. Fate”?
FATE Hey, my name is Dr. JAMES Fate. In no way do I violate any copyrights or trademarks, especially since I’m nothing like that DC Character who’s name I certainly don’t know. Anyway, you’ve given me an idea, Jon. I think I know how to end this war quickly in case it goes too badly.
JON How?
FATE Oh, you’ll see. And if all goes well, maybe Tiny Tim can get some cybernetic legs when I’m done.
JON What?
NARRATOR And with that, Dr. James Fate, called thus to avoid being sued, entered a very curious mood. He dashed through the snow to the war camp’s main tent, and picked up his inventions as prep time was spent. What will be this invention when it is revealed? Will it save the day, or have their fates been sealed? And what of the villains, that sub-plot need attention. I guess you’ll have to stay tuned to The Source, 95.1
END SCENE 5
SCENE 6
SFX Sounds of gunfire
NARRATOR The fight lasted long, all guns a blazing. Performed were feats astonishing and amazing! But try as they might, they couldn’t get through! The anti-marketer’s army had been training too.
FATE This isn’t going well. We can’t get close enough for me to use my weapon!
MARLEY The plan is to get close enough for the Ghosts of Christmas to get to him!
FATE Er, yeah. But you know, I really think we should try my weapon.
MARLEY Well…what’s it do?
FATE Oh, that’d ruin the surprise, Marley! But trust me, based on a conversation I had with Lab Assistant Jon I know for a fact that it can’t fail to save Christmas!
SCROOGE (eery voice) Maaaarlleeeeeey!
MARLEY AH! Who’s sneaking up on us?!
FATE (Gasp) It’s an assortment of Christmas villains!
MARLEY Don’t you DARE sneak up on me like that, Scrooge!
SCROOGE Oh, you had it coming. Happens to me every year! Now then, we thought we’d help you out.
FATE You? But you hate Christmas!
GRINCH Just enough that we’re willing to cancel it annually. Without the threat of Christmas every year, we’d have to find a new holiday to hate or else we’d cease to exist!
SCROOGE And Arbor Day wasn’t taking applications!
GRINCH So we’re here to lend a distracting hand.
FATE Hmmm…
JON Great! We can use all the help we can get.
FATE I don’t know…HUDDLE! Look Jon, Marley, we can’t trust them! They’re the villains of Christmas!
MARLEY But they’ve changed in the past! Perhaps this is them changing to be good again, as they do every year.
JON Yeah, Dr. Fate. Be more trusting.
FATE No, I can tell. They’re up to something! And that Scrooge fellow…he looks familiar.
GRINCH And to sweeten the deal, we promise not to make DJ Fate a Christmas villain next year, as we’d been planning.
JON See, DJ Fate? Can’t argue with that!
FATE Wait, how do they MAKE someone be a…
MARLEY We agree to your help! But how do you plan on getting us to the Anti-Marketer?
SCROOGE We worked hard all night before you got here. We’ve dug a tunnel, leading straight to the Anti-Marketer. There’s no way we’ll fail.
MARLEY Excellent!
FATE No, I don’t think this is-
JON Onward!
NARRATOR And so it was agreed, they’d take this tunnel. The villains would stay behind and finish what was begun-el.
FATE Oh, that’s stretching it…
NARRATOR With a wink and a flash, our heroes set out right on cue, so now here’s more Christmas music especially for you.
END SCENE 6
SCENE 7 Abrupt Ending!
NARRATOR With the tunnel traversed, the army of good approached the Anti-Marketer just as fast as they could! With pulses fast, and three Christmas ghosts ready, everything seemed to be ready!
FATE Ergh! Jon, help me, this is too hard to cary with a tarp over it.
JON Why don’t we take it off?
FATE No! No, that would ruin the surprise! I’m not going to be upstaged by three ghosts, you hear me? I’ll save Christmas myself, and be guaranteed a spot on that Nice list!
JON I think you’ve already earned that, Dr. Fate. Why not just let the plan go as planned?
FATE No, don’t you see? They’re trying to get me on a technicality, the Christmas Villains! Because they’re helping, the army I gathered is useless, therefore my Christmas will be ruined! That’s what they’re up to!
JON Mighty suspicious of you…
FATE I know! Careful now, we’re through the tunnel.
MARLEY Look! The anti-marketer’s throne room…
ANTI Now then, where are those servants? I told them to bring that Scroll hours ago! It’s almost Christmas, and I can’t afford for a single second of that commercialistic claptrap to infiltrate the Multiverse any longer!
PAST Now’s our chance! Hurry, Present and Future, we can make him see the joy in Christmas in a matter of moments!
PRESENT Right-O!
SFX: Twinkling bells
MARLEY Excellent! The Christmas Spirit-O-meter is rising. He’ll be in love with the holidays in a matter of moments!
FATE Heh. Yeah. After *I* finish with him.
MARLEY What do you mean?
FATE Just watch. Jon, pull the tarp off of that invention of mine, will you?
JON Erm…if you say so…
SFX: Fwoosh
FATE Behold! The Gigacardio Ray!
MARLEY What? No! No, that’s not how we do things. See, we make our villains see the light, and…
FATE Oh, he will! This is a ray, parts purchased from Scrooge-Co, that’ll make his heart grow three sizes larger! That’ll do it!
MARLEY I don’t think that…
JON I didn’t mean…
FATE Take this, Anti-Marketer!
SFX: Ray gun
ANTI Argh! My….my heart, it….feel like…chest…exploding….
FATE See! Already he’s being flooded with joy and the Christmas spirit!
ANTI ….but I’d…just seen the light! Those spirits wouldn’t…take that from…me…
JON Oh, that’s depressing…
FATE Anti? Anti-Marketer? Get up, and dance! You’ve not missed it, there’s still time to celebrate Christmas, and…
MARLEY Increasing the heart is a metaphor, you dimwit! Great. Now he’s dying, and Christmas is ruined this year.
FATE Huh?
MARLEY Yes. No nice year for you this time, I’m afraid. At least the Universe is safe, but around here it’s morbid and dreary.
FATE But no, I…
JON You know, I bet this is what those villains were planning all along, DJ Fate. They’d get you suspicious, and then you’d ruin it all when you got greedy for glory.
SCROOGE Heh. Smart lab assistant you’ve got there.
FATE No! Marley, get back here this instant! I demand to be on the Nice list!
SCROOGE Oh no, he’s angry! Hurry, everyone, escape in our getaway vehicle, the Hum-Bug!
FATE No, get back here! All of you! We won, and we’re happy! Sing with me! Hark the Herald, angels sing…
Hello?
Anyone?
(sigh) We’ll be right back…
END SCENE 7
SCENE 8 Crimes Against Holidays
SANTA Dr. James Fate of Rest Area 51, you have been charged with crimes against the holidays by nearly disrupting the fabric of seasonal magic at the beginning of time, and by ruining Christmas in the antimatter Universe for this year!
FATE Yes, but there were extenuating circumstances Santa, and I believe that-
SANTA Jury?
JURY GUILTY!
SANTA Sorry, Dr. Fate. Can’t put you on the Nice list this year. Another year of coal. But next year, you’ll be very Nice, won’t you?
FATE But I WAS nice this year, and-
JON Don’t worry, DJ Fate! I’ve still got a present for you! Homemade Christmas cookies!
FATE Thanks Jon, but…but no, this isn’t fair! I was promised the Nice list! I demand a mistrial!
SANTA Sorry, Fate, but there’s no time to change it now, I’m late as it is! I’ll not be back before 6 AM at this rate!
FATE No! No! I have rights! I wasn’t given a jury of my peers, I was given a jury of elves! I won’t forget this, Santa! I’ll be back! Do you hear me? I’m officially declaring myself to be a Christmas villain! YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THE LAST OF ME, KRINGLE! I’LL BE BACK FOR REVENGE! DO YOU HEAR ME?! REVENGE!
MUSIC Deck The Halls
NARRATOR And Doctor Fate was as good as his word! Every year from then on, he attempted comically ineffective vengeance on all of the Christmas heroes, starting with the very next morning when he met with some moderate success!
FATE Ha! That’s half of Tab, Indiana infected with my Hum-Bug virus! They’ll only be able to murmur their carols this year! Muhuhuhahaha!
NARRATOR And everyone had a merry Christmas after all, for the villains had claimed a moral victory over the season, the scroll of holiday rules was unaltered, and presents were delivered. The only people unhappy were the family of the Anti-Marketer, and Dr. Fate, who received coal for the eleventh consecutive year.
FATE BAH HUMBUG!
SCROOGE That’s the spirit!
NARRATOR And Tiny Tim…who did NOT die…was able to sue the pants off of the doctor’s in the antimatter Universe once he found wealth through the new Universe’s amazing concept of Capitalism!
TINY TIM In God we trust to bless us, everyone!
NARRATOR So on that day, when Christmas came, everyone knew Dr. Fate’s name. He was invited to parties and, with much prodding from Jon, dressed up as Santa and got his groove on!
FATE …this is depressing me…
NARRATOR He was invited to the north pole for one final holiday feast! And he himself, Dr. Fate, was forced to carve the Roast Beast.
FATE Bah! I’m never celebrating this holiday again! It’s stupid! It has stupid Christmas specials, with stupid lousy messages, and plot holes, and it makes no sense!
MARLEY Be a good helper and pass another slice, please?
FATE Very well, you win this round! But I’ll be back! Next year…(End)
