A Frank and Earnest Discussion with Max Payne

MP: What are you all doing here?

JF: Well, hello Max! Sit down, we need to talk to you.

MP: This… This is my house! What are you doing in my house! They just stood there, staring deep into my soul, eyes like sharp –

JF: Max! Stay in focus here. We’ll be here all night if you keep narrating this out.

MP: I have a friend who you might prefer talking to. I pulled out my berretta, the weight feeling like a baby in my hand, soft and comfortable… yielding. Then, fast as cobra, a hand reached out and pushed it away –

JF: Holy freakin’ crap Max! Put the Rosco away! I told you were friends!! And you really need to stop narrating, if you didn’t I’m sure you coulda’ let off a couple caps before we got wise to you.

MP: His voice resonated through my head, a comfortable voice, comfortable as a child’s blanket, reassuring, yet I still didn’t trust him. After all, he was in my house.

JF: Yeah, yeah, I’m gonna explain that now. I’ve been playing Max Payne for a while now and am stuck with a inconsistency… despite your clear hatred of drug usage, you clearly have an addiction to pain pills.

MP: The pills kept away the pain, but not on the inside… inside it burned like –

JF: Dude! Enough with the metaphors! I know you’re going through tough times, what with your wife and daughter being killed by junkies and all, but were here to show you that people still love you. Like, here; your Aunt Linda drove all the way over from the lower east side to tell you she loves you!

LP: Max. The word shook my core like a single bullet… straight into my brain like –

JF: Jesus Christ! Well, I’m sure you father, Ed Payne will tell you how he feels…

EP: I slowly dove to my feet to greet the response, reaching behind my back to find the familiar coldness of my double Ingram -

JF: What the hell!! Are you all freakin’ insane!?! We need to tell Max we love him so he can lay off the pills!! He needs your help, and all you can do is narrate your actions? Listen to – Uncle Joe!! No bullet-time dodging in the house! Go outside before you break something! And Max! You’re taking pills now! During your intervention!!

MP: The pills kept away the pain –

JF: Yes, I know they keep away the goddammed pain! Now you’re repeating yourself! There are other options, Max. There are first aid kits, meat and other various food products, potions of healing… other action heros don’t need drugs, why do you?

MP: His lecture hit home, the logic smacking me in the forehead like a two by four with a rusty nail in it. I needed to sit down to absorb this…

JF: Its alright Max, the first step is admitting you have a problem… now give me a hug, big guy. Aww, there, there… it’ll be all right.

Addendum: Max never went back to using drugs and remains a top-notch action hero to this day.