I have been watching some sport on the television, strange thing, involving lots of men running around kicking a ball about. Occasionally the camera will pan to a somewhat stern man of foreign origin sitting on his own looking, well, stern. Sometimes it would
reveal thousands of people waving and shouting at the men on the grass below encouraging them to run faster and kick harder, or at least with better precision.

I, of course, am not interested in such things, and only watch out of mild curiosity, never getting agitated as so many around me seem to. The bulldog, with football between its paws and the Union Jack flag tied around its back was put in the Lair window by person or persons
unknown and I deny all knowledge of its placement, and though I will occasionally hum, 'Three lions on a shirt...', it is only because it is a catchy tune, of the sort that once heard is difficult to forget.
I will no doubt have better things to do on Saturday than watch England play, though saying that, the afore mentioned curiosity will no doubt get the better of me again as I idly watch from my comfortable arm chair. Of course I am not interested in the result, though I would like to apologize in advance to Mister Upstairs¹, for any disturbance that may occur during Saturday, which may include, Screaming, Shouting
Swearing, Yelling, Whistling, Thumping, Banging of Drum and/or Rattling of Rattles.

I am quite willing to answer all questions and queries regarding this subject, and if wanted I can help with problems from researchers via e-mail. Due to time restrictions I cannot reply to each individual E-mail personally, but will give the answer to your problems on the Horror Scope page. Please send your letters and queries to me Mystic Greebs.

The Horror Scope is divided rather neatly up into twelve sections, January through to December, and you will be able to tell which section you fall under by looking to the day you joined h2g2.

For those of you with limited understanding, I will explain further. If you joined h2g2 on the 25^th April 2001, then your section will be April and you can read your
future under that section heading.

JANUARY

A sharp pain in the region of the bottom of my left leg shows that it would be a bad idea for you to walk around barefoot this week. A large muddy field will have great meaning to you at the weekend.


FEBRUARY

You will need nerves of steel on Saturday as something you want will test you to the limit. Try to stay calm, as the saying goes, 'All things come to he who waits'.


MARCH

The Tea Leaves in the Bag show that the Earth will be invaded by a solitary Spaceship from which a large rubber suited man will appear and stand guard, occasionally taking pot shots at Police and Army types. Don't Panic!!


APRIL

Uranus appears to be covered by a foggy shroud this week, it is not good for your health, rip the fog aside and proudly show Uranus off to the world, you will definitely feel much better for doing so.


MAY

Strange shapes and mysterious visions haunt my dreams this week, a sure sign that dreadful things are about to happen . Don't go out, lock all you doors and windows, speak to no-one, hide in the deepest, darkest corners of the place you call home.

Alternately, maybe I should give up eating cheese before I go to bed.


JUNE

A quick dabble in the dog poop proves that it still smells.


JULY

The Mist in the Crystal Ball moves aside to reveal death, murder, hospitals and an eccentric, white haired chimney sweep. What does this mean, what has the Crystal Ball revealed?

Oh, hang on, I think I can see the television through the Ball, yes, it's ok; it's only Diagnosis Murder!!


AUGUST

A extra hard Wobble in the Jelly Mould proves that you have a desire to change something about yourself, you feel you have not accomplished all that you could, and now is the time to do something about it. I for one will not argue with you, go ahead, make your day.


SEPTEMBER

The Whingy Board tells me to ask you the following questions.

1. Think of a number
2. Now double it
3. Add 8
4. Divide by 2
5. Subtract your original number
6. Determine which letter of the alphabet your number relates to, A=1, B=2, etc
   
   Now you have a letter...
   
7. Think of a country, not a city or state, which begins with your letter
8. Think of an animal which begins with the last letter of your country
9. Think of a colour which begins with the last letter of your animal

The Whingy Board has given me your answer, check out the footnote²

OCTOBER

The Dregs at the bottom of the Coffee Cup show that a large piano will fall from a second story window narrowly missing a friend of a friend’s friend. This will happen sometime between now and the time you read this, and so will have already happened, thus making me
wonder why I bothered writing this in the first place.


NOVEMBER

They say lightening doesn't strike twice, but in your case you should be warned that something that happened to you will happen again very shortly, possibly it will have something to do with something falling from a height, it may have keys and be musically inclined. It might be a good idea to take an umbrella with you when you go out, as a
precaution.


DECEMBER

A frantic tapping at your door will lead you on an adventure you will not forget in a hurry. White rabbits, large teapots and flamingos are all involved in this conspiracy, and your very head might be in danger of leaving your neck at speed. Come to think of it, it might be best not to answer the door in the first place.

13.06.02 Front Page

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