Dear Handle Family,

I am writing to you today with a complaint about one of your products.

I am a simple housewife, born and raised in the countryside. I was brought up to only believe in things which I could see with my very eyes. As I am not in the position to try every product myself, I have to rely on what I see on TV, and hence I am an avid watcher of TV Commercials.

For my own home, I take vinegar essence for cleaning surfaces, but as of today, I have started a new job, cleaning the house of an aged, well-off couple. You can probably imagine that I wanted to make an impression, so I bought Der Admiral, your 'Product of the Year 2009'.

I opened the bottle with some anticipation. To my dismay, there was no visible waft of lovely smell whirling all around me and through the room, no insignia and medals appeared magically on my blouse, and although I listened intently, no band was playing Sousa's 'Stars and Stripes'.

You may imagine that I was by now very wary about the further process – and I was right: I did not start to dance through the house, giving a few quick wipes to the tiles and the sink in the bathroom, supported by the cheerful march music – because no band was playing, remember? – and the bathroom wasn't sparkling clean within seconds!

Instead, for the next hour, I found myself scrubbing the limy tiles with considerable pressure, washing off the detergent with a clean cloth, then rubbing the tiles dry with yet another cloth. And after all this hard work, they still didn't sparkle! I, on the other hand, was bathed in sweat, exhausted, hungry and thirsty, and a far cry from the image of the immaculate, relaxed woman in the TV ad.

This got me thinking: what did I do wrong? Why did your product fail me in the way it did? Was it because:

• The woman in the ad is in her mid-30s, and I'm a good ten years older? Is there an age limit?
• My hair was not right, ie, it is in dire need of colouring, and I had it tied into a knot so it wouldn't hang into my face, or tickle my neck?
• I wore a pair of old, baggy trousers, a t-shirt (also baggy) of undefined colour and my trusted Birkenstock sandals 'Arizona' instead of a white blouse, dark blue skirt, nylons and high-heels?
• I wore neither make-up, nor jewels?
• I unknowingly bought a cheap imitation, and not the original Der Admiral?

I'd be very grateful if you could tell me. After all, when stood in the shop and wondered whether to buy your Der Admiral or your competitor's 'Mr Clean', I found the idea of a genie emerging from the bottle, looking like a wannabe Popeye and winking at me, watching my every move too scary, plus the music isn't even half as nice as yours, so you'll win a loyal customer once you've told me what it needs for your product to work exactly as demonstrated in your TV ad.

I look forward to your reply.

Kind regards


B'Elana of Hootoo