Introductory Notes
Created | Updated Mar 8, 2005
Pieter du Plessis, according to an extremely inaccurate document called an Identity Document, that is the person we are discussing - came to this galaxy on the 6th of June 1971, Earth standard time.
He was educated by two highly incompatible earthlings, and a school - a daily meeting place, very similar to jails in the new establishment - which failed to interest him.
He started to consume as much knowledge as possible to find the question to the ultimate answer - after all - the earth is just a giant computer to find the question to the answer of Life, the Universe and Everything - eloquently described by a being by the name of Douglass Adams (Author of the Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy - a very usefull - incorrectly named trilogy of five books).
The answer to the question - which was calculated by Deep Thought, the second most powerfull computer in the Universe - is obviously forty-two ( 42 ).
It is widely accepted to be the correct answer, even though it is not known which processor architecture Deep Thought was using. Nobody want to open Deep Thoughts' case, due to a subconscious fear of finding first generation Intel P-100 processors. Everybody (including the flea on my dogs' left ear) knows these processors had a floating point error that could cause this error to be incorrect at a percentage in the order of 3.141 to the power of 10 000 multiplied by the exponent of the interest on Bill Gates' bank account.
Incidentally - Bill Gates is the name of a Vogon who disguised himself very cleverly in human form. The Vogons - widely known for their construction skills (especially intergalactic highways) - are otherwise not so bright.
Prostetnic Vogon Yeltz the 7th, decided to take advantage of this dimension of planet earth. He further figured that, since earth revolves around the movement of little green pieces of paper, he must pick a name that fits - therefore Bill (everybody English just assumes Bill is short for William). Gates - because he initially planned to install a toll booth to each gate on the planet.
We all know what happened from there ....
Getting back to our main character - after about 6574.5 axial revolutions of planet earth - he mistakenly thought that he had discovered intelligent life, only to realize that an IBM PC is not an entity, but a device that mirrors the aptitude of the user. It makes you feel better about yourself when you succeed, and insults the lesser ones - "bad command or filename ..."
Soon he discovered that everything (including life and the universe) revolves around mathematics. Be it the mathematics of one and one is one, or the mathematic complexness of the equation that makes toast fall with the butter side down.
Pi , and not 22/7 which equals 3,142857142 but PI which equals 3,1415926535897 ....up to infinity and possibly beyond (The difference between these two values are possibly responsible for 98.751 percent of all major problems - for example the reason why waiters always ask you if the food is okay, just after you took a decent mouthfull of steak.) is one of the most gravity defying concepts on planet earth.
Earthling mathematitians of the 20th century a.D (approximately 2000 solar revolutions after someone that was really God in bodily form - why he did it eldudes most mathematitians - walked on planet earth.) reasoned that Pi is the direct relation between a circles diameter and circumference.
But .....
.... according to atomic dating, the pyramid of Giza is older than the known mathematics, and was built before humans "invented" the wheel, and the relation between its height and circumference is the value of Pi up to three decimals correct ..... yes.
Pi fascinated our character so much that he went on a mission to find a formula for it - strangely enough no book has one for it. The closest thing you get in a book is Pi/2 = acrsin(X) + arccos(X), where 'X' is measured in radians (another measuring unit in relation to Pi - who would have guessed ?).
To cut a long story short, four years later Pieter managed to derive a algebraic formula for Pi - only to find that none of our computers are powerfull enought to calculate it up to 200 decimal places correct, so he left mathematics and Pi to the people who wants to build better computers.
Chapter 2.
A being that dropped out of school at 14 years of age once said : "God does not play dice."
We do not know how well he knew God, but he sure knew his beer, and relatively speaking he knew more than most other earthlings of today.
This guy went by name of Albert Einstein.
He made only one mistake in his life, but this was because he was not Italian.
Einstein calculated that it is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light in a vacuum. But this is however not true - the only thing required to prove him wrong is a highly efficient vacuum cleaner. In the vastness which is space you get a few of these ....
Everybody knows that a star is, amongs other things a big ball of burning gas. Now imagine a really really big big big star - maybe a hundred times the size of the sun. Now imagine this star going supernova (burning all of its gas up in one go), expanding 100 times its normal size. Now imagine this whole thing colapsing in on itself at one go. Now you've got a rock the size of a planet in the place of the star, but with the same weight as the star - a really solid planet.
If everything stayed this way you would have something called a white dwarf and everything would be quite calm. But now the rock goes nuclear due to its own gravity and the force of having a newly created vacuum within the vacuum of space and compresses into a singularity - voila - one very efficient vacuum cleaner - also known as a black hole.
It is well known that not even light can escape a black hole.
Now all you need to do is to get in your near-lightspeed spacecraft, fly straight at the singularity - in which case you will accelerate faster than the speed of light (it follows that if light cannot escape a black hole, the force of the gravitational pull must be stronger than the speed of light) and turn at the last possible instant.
The only difficult bit in this action (this is where being Italian helps) is to compensate for the spaghetti effect. Each and every atom of you, your crew, your ship and so forth will be stretched out to their maximum, like long strands of you-know-what, and the chance of everything and everyone to end up with all of their respective atoms and/or sanity takes some faith.
Anybody loans their vehicle to their teenage son qualifies in this respect.
Traveling faster than light does have its' advantages though:
1. Chicks dig it.
2. The object in your headlights is behind you already.
3. Sigarette buts do not fall on the back seat, but somewhere in last week.
4. Dinners in Paris, circa 1790.
5. A girfriend in each town, each century.
6. Meet yourself for intelligent chat sessions.
7. More ..... expierience it for yourself.
Chapter 3.
Most people wonders what makes these "extra terrestrial" vehicles float.
The first thing to realise is that there is nothing extra terrestrial about the principle:
It is a well established scientific truth that toast always fall with the butter side down. This is not a property of the toast, but rather of the butter.
Furthermore it is also recognised that cats always fall on their legs.
Now you may experiment for yourself - take one cat an apply a generous measure of butter on its' back. Then take throw said cat out of, let's say the second story window, or off the Eifell tower.
Without even doing the experiment, you should be able to deduce what will happen - at some point in space an equilibrium will be reached between the butter and the cat and everything will float.
The humming noise recorded from "visiting UFOs" are actually quite a lot of cats purring.
The problem comes in when the cats manage to lick the butter of their backs. Needless to say - the cats manage to land perfectly on their feet, but this does nothing for the cats because they are shortly followed by a red hot UFO and some unlucky occupant.
This also explains why those dimwits in Area 51 theorizes that the "Aliens" have human properties and hundreds of feline legs.
The fact of the matter is (sorry for you people that has a firm belief in the "greys" and the "greens" and the "purples") that all extra terrestrial beings (the only ones left in any case) are basically humanoid. Let's rephrase that - all extra terrestrials are human.
***
At one point in our distant past - way before the dinosaurs and dragons - some of our predecessors lived on an island. They were actually more the predecessors of the greeks, but hell everybody who's anybody claims to have some greek blood in them ....
Now, these predecessors - let's just call them Atlanteans, have mathematically deducted what made the universe tick and built a great crystal pyramid to harness the cosmic energies and enhance the human existance.
This huge crystal refracted light in such a way that they could foresee events waaaayyyyy ahead of their time.
.... to be continued ...
He was educated by two highly incompatible earthlings, and a school - a daily meeting place, very similar to jails in the new establishment - which failed to interest him.
He started to consume as much knowledge as possible to find the question to the ultimate answer - after all - the earth is just a giant computer to find the question to the answer of Life, the Universe and Everything - eloquently described by a being by the name of Douglass Adams (Author of the Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy - a very usefull - incorrectly named trilogy of five books).
The answer to the question - which was calculated by Deep Thought, the second most powerfull computer in the Universe - is obviously forty-two ( 42 ).
It is widely accepted to be the correct answer, even though it is not known which processor architecture Deep Thought was using. Nobody want to open Deep Thoughts' case, due to a subconscious fear of finding first generation Intel P-100 processors. Everybody (including the flea on my dogs' left ear) knows these processors had a floating point error that could cause this error to be incorrect at a percentage in the order of 3.141 to the power of 10 000 multiplied by the exponent of the interest on Bill Gates' bank account.
Incidentally - Bill Gates is the name of a Vogon who disguised himself very cleverly in human form. The Vogons - widely known for their construction skills (especially intergalactic highways) - are otherwise not so bright.
Prostetnic Vogon Yeltz the 7th, decided to take advantage of this dimension of planet earth. He further figured that, since earth revolves around the movement of little green pieces of paper, he must pick a name that fits - therefore Bill (everybody English just assumes Bill is short for William). Gates - because he initially planned to install a toll booth to each gate on the planet.
We all know what happened from there ....
Getting back to our main character - after about 6574.5 axial revolutions of planet earth - he mistakenly thought that he had discovered intelligent life, only to realize that an IBM PC is not an entity, but a device that mirrors the aptitude of the user. It makes you feel better about yourself when you succeed, and insults the lesser ones - "bad command or filename ..."
Soon he discovered that everything (including life and the universe) revolves around mathematics. Be it the mathematics of one and one is one, or the mathematic complexness of the equation that makes toast fall with the butter side down.
Pi , and not 22/7 which equals 3,142857142 but PI which equals 3,1415926535897 ....up to infinity and possibly beyond (The difference between these two values are possibly responsible for 98.751 percent of all major problems - for example the reason why waiters always ask you if the food is okay, just after you took a decent mouthfull of steak.) is one of the most gravity defying concepts on planet earth.
Earthling mathematitians of the 20th century a.D (approximately 2000 solar revolutions after someone that was really God in bodily form - why he did it eldudes most mathematitians - walked on planet earth.) reasoned that Pi is the direct relation between a circles diameter and circumference.
But .....
.... according to atomic dating, the pyramid of Giza is older than the known mathematics, and was built before humans "invented" the wheel, and the relation between its height and circumference is the value of Pi up to three decimals correct ..... yes.
Pi fascinated our character so much that he went on a mission to find a formula for it - strangely enough no book has one for it. The closest thing you get in a book is Pi/2 = acrsin(X) + arccos(X), where 'X' is measured in radians (another measuring unit in relation to Pi - who would have guessed ?).
To cut a long story short, four years later Pieter managed to derive a algebraic formula for Pi - only to find that none of our computers are powerfull enought to calculate it up to 200 decimal places correct, so he left mathematics and Pi to the people who wants to build better computers.
Chapter 2.
A being that dropped out of school at 14 years of age once said : "God does not play dice."
We do not know how well he knew God, but he sure knew his beer, and relatively speaking he knew more than most other earthlings of today.
This guy went by name of Albert Einstein.
He made only one mistake in his life, but this was because he was not Italian.
Einstein calculated that it is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light in a vacuum. But this is however not true - the only thing required to prove him wrong is a highly efficient vacuum cleaner. In the vastness which is space you get a few of these ....
Everybody knows that a star is, amongs other things a big ball of burning gas. Now imagine a really really big big big star - maybe a hundred times the size of the sun. Now imagine this star going supernova (burning all of its gas up in one go), expanding 100 times its normal size. Now imagine this whole thing colapsing in on itself at one go. Now you've got a rock the size of a planet in the place of the star, but with the same weight as the star - a really solid planet.
If everything stayed this way you would have something called a white dwarf and everything would be quite calm. But now the rock goes nuclear due to its own gravity and the force of having a newly created vacuum within the vacuum of space and compresses into a singularity - voila - one very efficient vacuum cleaner - also known as a black hole.
It is well known that not even light can escape a black hole.
Now all you need to do is to get in your near-lightspeed spacecraft, fly straight at the singularity - in which case you will accelerate faster than the speed of light (it follows that if light cannot escape a black hole, the force of the gravitational pull must be stronger than the speed of light) and turn at the last possible instant.
The only difficult bit in this action (this is where being Italian helps) is to compensate for the spaghetti effect. Each and every atom of you, your crew, your ship and so forth will be stretched out to their maximum, like long strands of you-know-what, and the chance of everything and everyone to end up with all of their respective atoms and/or sanity takes some faith.
Anybody loans their vehicle to their teenage son qualifies in this respect.
Traveling faster than light does have its' advantages though:
1. Chicks dig it.
2. The object in your headlights is behind you already.
3. Sigarette buts do not fall on the back seat, but somewhere in last week.
4. Dinners in Paris, circa 1790.
5. A girfriend in each town, each century.
6. Meet yourself for intelligent chat sessions.
7. More ..... expierience it for yourself.
Chapter 3.
Most people wonders what makes these "extra terrestrial" vehicles float.
The first thing to realise is that there is nothing extra terrestrial about the principle:
It is a well established scientific truth that toast always fall with the butter side down. This is not a property of the toast, but rather of the butter.
Furthermore it is also recognised that cats always fall on their legs.
Now you may experiment for yourself - take one cat an apply a generous measure of butter on its' back. Then take throw said cat out of, let's say the second story window, or off the Eifell tower.
Without even doing the experiment, you should be able to deduce what will happen - at some point in space an equilibrium will be reached between the butter and the cat and everything will float.
The humming noise recorded from "visiting UFOs" are actually quite a lot of cats purring.
The problem comes in when the cats manage to lick the butter of their backs. Needless to say - the cats manage to land perfectly on their feet, but this does nothing for the cats because they are shortly followed by a red hot UFO and some unlucky occupant.
This also explains why those dimwits in Area 51 theorizes that the "Aliens" have human properties and hundreds of feline legs.
The fact of the matter is (sorry for you people that has a firm belief in the "greys" and the "greens" and the "purples") that all extra terrestrial beings (the only ones left in any case) are basically humanoid. Let's rephrase that - all extra terrestrials are human.
***
At one point in our distant past - way before the dinosaurs and dragons - some of our predecessors lived on an island. They were actually more the predecessors of the greeks, but hell everybody who's anybody claims to have some greek blood in them ....
Now, these predecessors - let's just call them Atlanteans, have mathematically deducted what made the universe tick and built a great crystal pyramid to harness the cosmic energies and enhance the human existance.
This huge crystal refracted light in such a way that they could foresee events waaaayyyyy ahead of their time.
.... to be continued ...
