Guinness
Created | Updated Apr 6, 2002
Guinness is a dark-coloured, alcoholic beverage that is unique in being the only drink on
the planet Earth to be the subject of a major religion. The attributes of this religion's
nirvana, the "Perfect Pint", are vague and disputed by many of its adherents, but the
main requirements appear to be - a healthy quantity of white foam, the "head", on top
of the pint, a smooth taste (although the definition of "smooth" varies between followers)
and whichever temperature is considered best by the zealot concerned.
The origins of, and main centre of Guinness worship are in Ireland, although the
peculiarly evangelical nature of this sect means that it has spread all over the world, with temples,
known locally as "breweries", on all major land masses. Adherents to this faith will
generally attend communion with their God once or twice a week, and have been
known on occasion to get so absorbed in this spiritual aspect of worship that laws
had to be passed to limit the amount of time spent on this activity, to avoid the
collapse of the national economies concerned.
This has not discouraged the many adherents of this religion, however, who still
maintain that the Perfect Pint will, one day, be achieved, at which point the purpose
of existence of this Earth will have been fulfilled and it will come to an end, and
in the meantime, the duty of all followers is to do all they can to help in the search for
such perfection.
the planet Earth to be the subject of a major religion. The attributes of this religion's
nirvana, the "Perfect Pint", are vague and disputed by many of its adherents, but the
main requirements appear to be - a healthy quantity of white foam, the "head", on top
of the pint, a smooth taste (although the definition of "smooth" varies between followers)
and whichever temperature is considered best by the zealot concerned.
The origins of, and main centre of Guinness worship are in Ireland, although the
peculiarly evangelical nature of this sect means that it has spread all over the world, with temples,
known locally as "breweries", on all major land masses. Adherents to this faith will
generally attend communion with their God once or twice a week, and have been
known on occasion to get so absorbed in this spiritual aspect of worship that laws
had to be passed to limit the amount of time spent on this activity, to avoid the
collapse of the national economies concerned.
This has not discouraged the many adherents of this religion, however, who still
maintain that the Perfect Pint will, one day, be achieved, at which point the purpose
of existence of this Earth will have been fulfilled and it will come to an end, and
in the meantime, the duty of all followers is to do all they can to help in the search for
such perfection.
