h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: The First Labour Strike - A74974819
Author: Not Banned Yet - U180337

This is shorter than most of my entries due to rather limited source material.

I like it, simple and concise. Just one nit-pick ...

>>The record as uncertain as to whether there was another repetition on the third day.

Should the first 'as' be 'is' or 'was'?

yes, it is short and sweet! I was expecting something from the recent Industrial period, and wonder whether it might help the reader to anticipate the subject better if the title said

The First Labour Strike in Recorded History

This sentence seems a little abrupt:

The workers did receive payment for their labour, and returned to work.

do you mean something along the lines of [The records show that./.the workers recieved payment./. after this message was received]

The preceding, longer, sentence would be clearer if it was made into two - the first saying where the artisans lived (in Deir el Medina) and the second explaining who sent the message to the vizier.

I'm also not sure why the tradesmen transmitted the message of the artisans? Do you have any further background on this aspect?


laborer's ----> labourers' [spelling and apostrophe]


Lanzababy

>>>>The record as uncertain as to whether there was another repetition on the third day.

>>Should the first 'as' be 'is' or 'was

Changed "as to "is."

>>I was expecting something from the recent Industrial period, and wonder whether it might help the reader to anticipate the subject better if the title said

>>The First Labour Strike in Recorded History

I actually like the title as it is. When I decided that I wanted to do an entry on the first labor union, my own ethnocentricity had me believing that I'd be writing about events in Western Europe or North America. If the title of the entry, which is in no way misleading, surprises others by pointing out their ethnocentricity, so much the better. The subeditors and editors always have the option of changing the title if they're so inclined.

>>This sentence seems a little abrupt:

>>>>The workers did receive payment for their labour, and returned to work.

Yes, it is abrupt. That was actually an intentional stylistic decision. It matches the brevity of the action being described.

Once again, the subeditors and editors have the option of lengthening the sentence if they're so inclined.

>>The preceding, longer, sentence would be clearer if it was made into two - the first saying where the artisans lived (in Deir el Medina) and the second explaining who sent the message to the vizier.

>>I'm also not sure why the tradesmen transmitted the message of the artisans? Do you have any further background on this aspect?

Thank you for catching that. Some of my source material referred to artisans and some referred to tradesmen. They were talking about the exact same people. I unintentionally used the two words interchangably. Since it's likely that some of the workers actually fell more into one category and some fell more into the other, I've changed the wording. You are also right about the sentence reading better if it were broken into two.

On the 21st day of the second month of the 29th year of the reign of Ramses III, the message quoted at the beginning of this entry was transmitted by the artisans and skilled tradesmen of Deir el Medina to the Vizer. Deir el Medina was home to the individuals working on the construction of the tombs and to their families.

>>laborer's ----> labourers' [spelling and apostrophe]

Fixed it. Thanks.

You're very welcome! It was my pleasure

Hi NBY. This Entry is indeed nice and pithy. We were wondering if you minded adding a slightly more expansive introductory paragraph setting the scene, and maybe including some of the detail there is in the final paragraph, about the historical context and legacy of the strike.

We're also thinking it might be better with a bit more detail in the title, mentioning Pharaoh Ramses III, the location or period. But happy to leave this with you.

That was going to be my comment too - the final paragraph would sit better as an opening. And the 'So, How Did It End?' section finishes the Entry off in its own right.

I'm working a bunch of hours right now, but will try to get that done in the next week or so.

NBY

I've changed the title, added a bit more context to the opening paragraph and eliminated what used to be the closing paragraph. Any more suggestions or ideas?

NBY

Hi NBY. Those changes are great - many thanks for taking on the comments. We've just removed the double spacing for you. Any objections if we accept this for submission now?

No objections from me!

lil xx

Your Guide Entry has just been picked from Peer Review by one of our Scouts, and is now heading off into the Editorial Process, which ends with publication in the Edited Guide. We've therefore moved this Review Conversation out of Peer Review and to the entry itself.

If you'd like to know what happens now, check out the page on 'What Happens after your Entry has been Recommended?' at EditedGuide-Process. We hope this explains everything.

Thanks for contributing to the Edited Guide!

Yay!! Well done!!!

Well deserved NBY

(I've asked to sub-edit this, just so I can add a shedload of links)