How To Rig an Election
Created | Updated Aug 8, 2003
If you suspect that the result of the election is going to be close, then you will need to identify one crucial point where your friends, associates and particularly family can help you out all they can. Do not let it concern you that large parts of the population of that province traditionally vote for your opponents, these things can be countered.
Criminals Can’t Vote
It will be helpful if the province that you need to win has a law preventing felons from voting. This will enable you to start a process that will rob your opponent of crucial votes. Firstly, it will be useful to have your election campaign co chairwoman also double as the secretary of state in charge of elections. 1
In her position as secretary of state, she can then pay a technology company $4,000,000 to go through the voter records and remove anyone ‘suspected’ of having a felony. Of course, those with felonies can’t vote in any event, so that will eliminate some of those who might vote for your opponent in any event-some 31% of them, to be exact.
However, by removing ‘suspected’ felons, by such means as diverse as removing those with ‘similar names’, birth date matches, or even similar social security numbers, you can increase that number significantly. To be safe, an 80% data match should gain you a serious number of your opponents voters removed from the electoral register. 173,000 might be a reasonable number that may be achieved in this way.
If this figure still seems a little low, you might want to get another province to supply a list of a further 8,000 names that are ‘believed to be felons’ now living in the province. Do not allow such considerations as to whether those 8,000 voters had, in actual fact, had their voting privileges reinstated bother you. 2
The Media is Your Friend
Remember, the media shapes opinions. If the result of your election is to be close, then it is essential to gain early success in the eyes of the voters. As the counting draws on, having one major news channel announce that you have won could be crucial.
This announcement will send the other news corporations into a spin, and soon they will all be announcing that you have won, fearful that they have missed something that the early announcers hadn’t. 3
In the days to come, an early perception that you won the election early will be crucial in painting your opponent as a whiner and a loser as he attempts to get the votes re-counted. The important thing to remember is that you have been declared the winner, so he must be a spoiler.
Always Remember the Army Vote
If you are standing as a centre right candidate, it will be crucial that as many votes as possible are counted from the armed forces in the overseas voting. The armed forces traditionally vote right of centre, remember. You will, however, need to bear in mind that those votes must be cast on or before Election Day.
It is therefore essential that you secretary of state for elections sends out a memo worded in terms that indicate that these votes ‘are not required to be postmarked on or prior to’ election day.
It can be reckoned that maybe 544 crucial votes can gained in this manner. If your opponent complains, then issuing a statement that these men are fighting for their country, and that;
‘if they catch a bullet or a fragment from a terrorist bomb, that fragment does not have any postmark or registration of any kind.’
If as many as 816 overseas votes are subsequently found to be illegal, you will need to repeat several times that these are the votes of men and women that are fighting for their country.
The Law is on Your Side
In the event that your opponent is so intent on making you look bad that he drags his protest all the way to the Supreme Court, remember that there are ways to ensure that this to, will see your point of view.
Having the wife of one of the Judges hired as part of your election team is unlikely to force him to declare he has a conflict of interest, but will greatly enhance the chances that he will vote in your favour.
If one of the Judges has a son who works for the company that represents you in the hearings, it can be assumed that far from having a conflict of interest, his vote will be assured.
Ideally, you would wish this court to return a verdict worded in the following manner;
‘I>‘The counting of votes that are of questionable legality, does, in my view, threaten irreparable harm to petitioner [that’s you], and to the country, by casting a cloud upon what he [you again] claims to the legitimacy of his election.’
Notice how carefully it is worded to say that yes, if the votes are all counted, you will lose the election, but still finds in your favour. The law is miraculous in this way.
Final Analysis
Of course, these methods cannot be guaranteed, but if applied correctly, it is to be hoped that the province you have highlighted might be won by a margin of some 537 votes.
This will enable you to claim a victory in an election where 154, 000, 000 people out of 200, 000, 000 didn’t vote for you.