h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Your lines regarding kebabs made me laff.
I am a lager and shish kind of girl myself but I know what you mean about
Larger cities and towns charging heaps for next to nowt. I live
in London where it costs about a tenner for half a pitta bread and a green chilli!

I hope Edinburgh is treating you well. For a truly wonderful kebab then try Andy's in
Chiswick or theres one in the redlight district of Southampton, just opposite Magnums
nightclub.

Take care
C
XXX

I almost went to southampton uni instead of here. In the end lower grades forced my choice. If you're ever up here, go to Kebab Mahal on Nicolson Square. Istanbul on Nicolson St. used to be the best but has been rebuilt as some form of restaurant selling nothing spicier than chips. Is there a similar thing happening to the pubs of the south as there is up here? Nice. wood-panelled clunky-jukeboxed places with scabby leather seats and nicotine-coloured walls are being transferred into primary coloured yahbars with moody lighting and changing-rooms-style soullessness. I despise such things. Cheers, Wingpig YYY

Yes unfortunately the same is happening here too!
Dont forget this is London....the big Metrolopse and
things appear and disappear here faster than a bunny
in Paul Daniel's trousers.

Did you like my Poem?

C
XXX

Why hasn't that bald git left the country? Whenever people complain about the new government they forget that both the stumpy wizard and Frank Bruno promised to leave forever upon their election. Maybe they only want to pay tax to fascists. Pome was allright - needs a bit more scary weirdness. Practise random phrases on passing five-year-olds until they cry.

You wouldn't believe how good kebebs are in Manchester. For about 2 quid you get enough random meat and sauces and stuff to warrant a small van to take it home in.

The last time I was there I spent all my money on a plate of fried meat from the little café thing at the bottom of Oxford Road. It was quite good value but lacking in spice. Anywhere in particular or just every shop?

Wow! Someone who knows their way around!
Kebab King or Dilkash in Fallowfield make kebabs fit for the gods.
And it helps that there really close to where I live.

I agree about the pubs thing from about 5 messages ago. We want our pubs as dismal as the Eastenders christmas special so we can cheer ourselves up by getting off our faces on 10 pints of falling-down-water.

What the yahs who go to the yahbars don't realise is that against an old, oak-panelled, nicotine-walled pub they look fresh and modern but against a modern, brightly painted, freshly-plastered pub they look much older, saggier and stupider. Plus, brightly coloured walls mean they must have to choose their clothing very carefully in order to avoid clashing, which must be a pain. Nothing matches the interior of a traditional pub so they were spared the bother.

This is all very true, I have been practicing random wierdness at small children
and it seems to be paying off. The court case is next Friday if anyone wants to
come and support me.

There are plenty of yahbars in London full of complete bastards who should be
turned inside out over a very long period of time indeed. Where I live however, there
are some good old fashioned grotty Irish pubs....you know....the kind which have
pigs on the bar for air fresheners. One in particular is affectionately known as
"The Stab Inn" its advertising slogan is "come in laughing go home in stitches".
Its walls are the traditional pub paint job of nicotine brown/piss yellow with a hint of
dried blood for good measure. They also have a pool table but as its inadvisable
to give any of the clientele any large pieces of wood it serves as an extra place to
put your pint.

I stand by my earlier remarks about the kebab thing though....I am envious of those
who have posted here who say that for a mere couple of squids you can go to a Kebab
emporium and buy enough meat to last the week, and they cook it for you!!!!

I need to lie down now as I have a slight swelling

Love
C
XXX

Oh yes I nearly forgot....Why is Paul Daniels?
Sorry....why is Paul Daniels still here?
I think the answer is quite simple....no-one else will have
the squeaky, short-arsed, baldy, irritating little fascist bastard.
And who can blame them?

C
XXX

Maybe we didn't go to his shows enough when we were smaller with the result that he can't afford to buy his own island somewhere. Mayhap Debbie is a lot mre intelligent than she looks and is secretly influencing him to keep him here so that, with luck, he might be viciously smeared with dung by a passer-by. I would obviously prefer something worse than this but cannot speak of it because of THE RULES. Anyone know where he lives? Let's go to his house and pull up all the flowers in his garden.

Cease and desist from this foul talk of small swellings. The Carry On films finished years ago. You'll be going to the proctologist to get a mole removed next. Or taking your boyfriend to ward 34 to have his head examined.

If the kids don't like weirdness, try old women and such of their male counterparts as remain. They see fit to spout random gibberish at those that merely happen to be sitting near them on a bus yet ignore you when you try to give them some back. Maybe by initiating the conversation oneself they become confused and force themselves to listen. If they try it again I'll have to try the thing where you repeat the last word they said, adding a comma and a "yes.". Maybe inserting a different and completely unconnected word would be the ideal way to confuse the tea and biscuits out of them.

"My son's going in to the army, you know."
"Clouds, yes."
"I don't like all these politicians. They look shifty to me."
"Oh yes, my Alice went there three years ago."
"Are you one of them students?"
"That's what I'd do, so I would."
"You look like one of them students to me, wearing shorts in February."
"I love feeling the cold winter air round me nads, me."
"Pardon?"
"Deaf, yes."
"Oh, you youngsters, you're so rude. In my day..."
"Given us a good beating, yes. Never did me any harm."
"My Herbert would give you a good thrashing if he were here with me today, poor soul."
"Walk the netherworld in torment, yes."

...and so on. I'll have to start carrying a goat's heart in case any of those religious nutters turn up again. See if they like having blood smeared on their cheeks whilst I chant darkly at the ground. They'd not be asking me if I lived locally and wanted to visit their sodding bible meeting again, oh no.

The swelling I get is in my head and no smut intended
it starts as a pressure in my temples and graduates to
well....a pressure in my temples really but that's not the point.

Its my slight swelling ok....not yours....its been with me for years
now....ever since the first "unfortunate little incident" and when I get
stressed ItstartstobangandbangANDBANGandIstarttolookformycheesegrater.

OMIGOD I NEED MYSNAIL

You talking about migraines or something? You should have said. It's just that the phrase appeared on two forums (fora?) and therefore seemed to have been placed there for humourourous intent. Sorry if I assumed you to be trying to be strange when you weren't. If you can't find the cheesegrater, try the potato peeler.

Thank you....I will take it under advisement.
Its actually sinusitis which is a complete pain.

C
XXX

tried the olbas oil/Vicks/ginger tea method yet? Ginger tea makes you sweat heavily for a few hours after which you feel slightly refreshed. It's good for nasty, stuffy, sweaty illness-type things.

My sinusitis is the result of a fractured cheekbone at a young and tender age.
Under stress and when pollen is high etc etc I get a slight swelling which is
a right pain. I have tried all sorts of things to put this right but the only thing
I can think of that works is a very large Vodka and Orange, after which I just
dont care.

Yours
Snuffly
C
XXX

You want to try 'Royal' in Ashton-under-Lyne whenever you are in the vicinity you can literally use their kebabs on nan breads as pillows if you don't manage to eat them in one night!!!!!!!.