Psychic Gnomes - a study
Created | Updated Mar 25, 2002
The Origins of the Species
The origins of the so-called psychic gnome are as yet unclear, some think
that it came from Ireland clinging to a pile of drift wood but some
still maintain, contrary to scientific evidence, that the psychic
gnome journeyed here through a combination of astral projection and
space flight from Madagascar. However, as I said, the origin of the
species is still unexplained for the most part.
What we do know about this enigmatic little creature 1 is that he enjoys pineapples,
Marlboro cigarettes 2 and the
music of Millencolin. What the gnome does not like are people with
bowl-shaped haircuts as they scare him s**tless and if they come near
him flashing their 
again he swears he'll attack him with a
machete. All this is conjecture however as we dont really know what
the psychic gnome really is or how his brain ticks.
A gnome is like a dwarf but smaller and without a beard - gnomes
cannot grow beards and this is a constant source of annoyance for the
creatures and their hunters since their fur is limited to the top of their heads - a beard
would double the price of such a coat. Hedgehog traps are popular
among gnome-baiters because they are about the right size and make a
nice noise when the gnome's neck snaps. Plus, gnomes are rather
partial to a bit of hedgehog food. However, by far the best way of trapping a Gnome is by using the guide below:
How to trap a Gnome
You will need:
2 feet of garden twine
4 reasonably large sticks
a blanket or sheet
200 weight of pink salmon3
more sticky back plastic than you can fit in a reasonably sized van
Constructing the trap:
Take the four sticks and arrange them into a pyramid like edifice4,
drape the blanket or sheet over the top and tie the twine around
making a sort of tee-pee effect.
Heap the salmon inside the tent and wait.
The trapping:
When the gnome waltzes up to the tee-pee, doing a fairly gnomish jig
and humming a little tune, it will smell the salmon on the breeze and
enter into the tee-pee to devour it. This is where you strike with
lightning precision, wrapping the gnome in sticky back plastic and
sitting on it until it suffocates5.
Congratulations on getting your kill(s)!
What to do with the corpse:
A gnome carcass has almost limitless uses but by far the most popular
use is fashioning the little creature into a hat or stylish bag for
high street wear. If you happen not to be a townie6, why not sell it
to one!? You can eat the meat of course, even though it is tough and
full of gristle it is widely regarded as a delicacy in many chinese
resturants, it might be worth your while to ask around to see who
wants it.
*The author, Mick Hudson bears no responsibility for any injury
caused as a result of following this advice. No gnomes or animals were injured
in the creation of this guide7.
For more information on gnomes visit FineGardenProducts.
facts that he is a gnome and psychic2As can be determined from his droppings3Tuna is fine but it doesnt carry as well on the wind4Construction, erection, whatever you want to call it5This might not seem very nice but it makes a nice sound6Townie: one that leaps on every fad in the hope of being trendy7Apart from the gnome at the start and the hedgehog at the end
