aaaaack
Created | Updated Mar 13, 2002
Across the nation, in apparently unconnected instances, retail workers’ feet are spontaneously exploding during this week of many happy returns. The initial concern was that it was an unprecededented act of terrorism designed to bring capitalism to a screeching halt by shutting down the malls through employers’ fear of worker’s compensation claims, however FBI spokesman Arnold Fleischbitter announced early this morning that a psychological analysis of the events made terrorist connections highly improbable. “After all,” he said, “terrorists do have a pretty good understanding of the average American consumer’s psyche, as well as of the mentality of major retail outlets in this country. After an initial moment of concern for the employees, it would be the rare retail operation indeed which wouldn’t take advantage of the potential for free advertising and maximize on the unhealthy propensity of the average citizen to follow accidents and hope to witness the suffering of fellow human beings. It would have exactly the opposite effect any terrorist would strive for.”
To date there have been only four instances of exploding feet, all but one of them self contained, with the victims in stable condition. Britta, a lady’s shoes sales associate in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, experienced the worst of the explosions in both feet simultaneously. Towards the end of a nine hour workday, as she was fitting a customer with the 37th pair of shoes in the hopes that one of those half price bargains might just fit, her feet blew up. BLAM! The force of the explosion took off her customer’s bunions and corns, as well as the extra half size (1/6th of an inch) on the right foot, which was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back. The customer, who prefers to remain nameless, is happily recuperating at Holy Cross hospital and looking forward to being able to fit into a perfect size nine as soon as her burns heal.
Britta is also recuperating at home (worker’s comp. didn’t cover overnight hospital stays for other than life-threatening injuries) and trying to maintain a proper Buddhist attitude toward the whole adventure. In a poignant interview with the sales associate, Britta gave us the inside story.
“I thought, as a recent convert to semi-Buddhism, that it was just my karmic fate to attract hard-to-fit customers. You see, I’m one of them. Size 10, double wide. With a passion for whimsical heels” she sighed. “So I felt sorry for them, gave them the best service I knew how. Really TRIED to help them find a shoe that fits but isn’t just plain butt-ugly. I’d spend an hour dragging out shoes after shoes for some broken-footed old lady with a sweet disposition while the rest of the associates were selling like crazy, because I really believed that customer service would win in the end. I thought it really WAS what made the difference ….to sell with integrity, and care for the customer.” She laughed ruefully. “And then THIS happened! Well, my feet have been burning for the past month, and more during the eight days straight I worked before Christmas with extended hours. And then I had two days off in a row! Christmas Eve and Christmas! That hasn’t happened since 1994! I was blessed! So I came back to the next seven-day stretch feeling almost human again, to the day of Many Happy Returns. And my feet were still burning, after only a couple of hours. And the burn got worse and worse, but I didn’t think much of it, just whined and ranted and griped and bitched in the stockroom. And I brought out shoes for some people who actually wanted to buy some, and more for people who were thinking about buying them, and even more for people who wanted to play around and see what they looked like on their feet (grrrrrrrrrrr) while I ate Advil and dreamed of the Foot Spa that a dear friend had given me as a Christmas gift. And life went on, til a customer had me drag out and put back about 50 pair of shoes, so she could decide on two cheap pair that (maybe) she won’t return.
I thought about the fact that it had cost me money to drag those shoes out to her. We work on a draw system. I have to sell $160 hourly before I break even. When I spend too much time with someone, and there’s not the appropriate return, I’m not only wasting bits of my life on someone who’s just playing around, I’m going in the hole towards paying my bills! I thought about the fact that she thought it was amusing that I was getting my exercise working with her. She doesn’t ice my feet at night or put the Advil in my mouth half an hour before I try to walk in the morning. And I decided that giving customer service in a department store is a joke, and I’ve been the butt.
And then I came into work this morning fully determined to be heartless to people if the first five shoes I brought out to them didn’t work for whatever reason, and I got sucked in! Again! Arrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhh! And finally, my feet have exploded for the cause of customer service. And my head’s about to explode too.
But at least I have my fingers….and my eyes….and my mind…..”
To date there have been only four instances of exploding feet, all but one of them self contained, with the victims in stable condition. Britta, a lady’s shoes sales associate in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, experienced the worst of the explosions in both feet simultaneously. Towards the end of a nine hour workday, as she was fitting a customer with the 37th pair of shoes in the hopes that one of those half price bargains might just fit, her feet blew up. BLAM! The force of the explosion took off her customer’s bunions and corns, as well as the extra half size (1/6th of an inch) on the right foot, which was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back. The customer, who prefers to remain nameless, is happily recuperating at Holy Cross hospital and looking forward to being able to fit into a perfect size nine as soon as her burns heal.
Britta is also recuperating at home (worker’s comp. didn’t cover overnight hospital stays for other than life-threatening injuries) and trying to maintain a proper Buddhist attitude toward the whole adventure. In a poignant interview with the sales associate, Britta gave us the inside story.
“I thought, as a recent convert to semi-Buddhism, that it was just my karmic fate to attract hard-to-fit customers. You see, I’m one of them. Size 10, double wide. With a passion for whimsical heels” she sighed. “So I felt sorry for them, gave them the best service I knew how. Really TRIED to help them find a shoe that fits but isn’t just plain butt-ugly. I’d spend an hour dragging out shoes after shoes for some broken-footed old lady with a sweet disposition while the rest of the associates were selling like crazy, because I really believed that customer service would win in the end. I thought it really WAS what made the difference ….to sell with integrity, and care for the customer.” She laughed ruefully. “And then THIS happened! Well, my feet have been burning for the past month, and more during the eight days straight I worked before Christmas with extended hours. And then I had two days off in a row! Christmas Eve and Christmas! That hasn’t happened since 1994! I was blessed! So I came back to the next seven-day stretch feeling almost human again, to the day of Many Happy Returns. And my feet were still burning, after only a couple of hours. And the burn got worse and worse, but I didn’t think much of it, just whined and ranted and griped and bitched in the stockroom. And I brought out shoes for some people who actually wanted to buy some, and more for people who were thinking about buying them, and even more for people who wanted to play around and see what they looked like on their feet (grrrrrrrrrrr) while I ate Advil and dreamed of the Foot Spa that a dear friend had given me as a Christmas gift. And life went on, til a customer had me drag out and put back about 50 pair of shoes, so she could decide on two cheap pair that (maybe) she won’t return.
I thought about the fact that it had cost me money to drag those shoes out to her. We work on a draw system. I have to sell $160 hourly before I break even. When I spend too much time with someone, and there’s not the appropriate return, I’m not only wasting bits of my life on someone who’s just playing around, I’m going in the hole towards paying my bills! I thought about the fact that she thought it was amusing that I was getting my exercise working with her. She doesn’t ice my feet at night or put the Advil in my mouth half an hour before I try to walk in the morning. And I decided that giving customer service in a department store is a joke, and I’ve been the butt.
And then I came into work this morning fully determined to be heartless to people if the first five shoes I brought out to them didn’t work for whatever reason, and I got sucked in! Again! Arrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhh! And finally, my feet have exploded for the cause of customer service. And my head’s about to explode too.
But at least I have my fingers….and my eyes….and my mind…..”
