THE ADVENTURES OF RUFUS T. QUISLING

Originally written the 11th day of October, 1993.

Re-upped 4/4/02.

CASTE L'IST:

• NARRATOR
• RUFUS T. QUISLING-READ BY A MALE-ISH VOICE
• GREAT TREPIDATION-READ BY A MALE IMPERSONATOR
• GREAT RESERVATIONS-READ BY EMAIL
• GREAT EXPECTATIONS-READ BY FEMALE IMPERSONATOR
• GRAND TETONS-READ BY FEMININE VOICE
• WOMAN IN DOG POUND-READ BY MOTHER-IN-LAW
• HIVES THE ROBOT-READ BY WHATEVER SONY SENT OVER
• ALIEN COMMANDER OF ATTACK SHIP-READ BY ANYONE (VOICE
  ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED BY CHEAP CELLOPHONE WITH WEAK BATTERY)

SFX: Out-of-tune ocarina playing
"Annie's Theme" backwards

NARRATOR:
When we find our hero, Rufus T. Quisling, he is having
breakfast with his enemy, Great Trepidation.

SFX: Fanfare

NARRATOR
With his mouth close to full of rancid cottage cheese
and lemon curry, Great Trepidation speaks.

GRE. TRE.:
We've got to stop meeting like this.

NARRAT:
Rufus thinks, then reconsiders, then speaks with
his mouth full of broiled Pekinese smothered in

marinated Lark feathers.

RU.T.QUI.:
Ffutiph! Mmph. Wook, I bon't dno idney bodney bud doo dat...

SFX: Swallowing noise

RU.T.QUI.
I can stand to eat with. Everybody else
in the Universe is an Idiot compared to you and I.

NARRAT:
Great Trepidation considers that, then shrugs and says:

GRE. TRE.:
Okay. I won't argue with that.

RU.T.QUI.:
Are you going to finish those mustard-covered
cockroaches?

GRE. TRE.:
Be my guest. Okay. What is our adventure this time?

RU.T.QUI.:
Well, I've been talking to my script writers about adding
a little more sex and violence to the adventures, but
they tell me that's on the way out.

GRE. TRE.:
What do they suggest for an alternative?

RU.T.QUI.:
Industrial espionage.

GRE. TRE.:
How entertaining.

RU.T.QUI.
I can hear the sarcasm dripping from your mouth.

SFX: Sarcasm dripping

GRE. TRE.:
Sorry. Where'd my napkin go?

RU.T.QUI.:
I think you ate it. Here, have a script page.

GRE. TRE.:
Thank you. Okay, I'm done. When do we start?

RU.T.QUI.:
As soon as I find today's script.

NARRAT:
Rufus rummages around in his velvet burnoose,
looking for the script.

SFX: Rummaging in a secondhand Izod pullover.

RU.T.QUI.:
Ah, here it is. There you go.

GRE. TRE.:
Thank you. See you later.

NARRAT:
With that, Trepidation scampers over the horizon.

SFX: Scampering, with previous ocarina bit coming up and over
until Fanfare.

NARRAT:
So begins our adventure. Following the script,
our hero, Rufus T. Quisling...

SFX: Fanfare

NARRAT:
Now, cut that out!
Our hero is on the third moon of the Dewey System, a little
ball of galactic mud barely able to support an atmosphere
of mystery but known to those who love it as Nancy. We find
our hero sitting in the boiler room of a surplus space
shuttle reading Heidi in Young Low German.

SFX: Man with two pockets full of change walking on a
loose wooden floor while neutering a cat.

NARRAT:
Our hero's robot man-servant, Hives, approaches. He speaks.

HIVES:
Sir?

RU.T.QUI.:
Gott in himmel?! Gotenyu? What's gotten into you? What is
it now? Can't you see ein ich bin busy?

HIVES:
Sorry, Sir. From my cursory perusal of the script, I'd say
we're about to be attacked.

SFX: Dramatic chord

RU.T.QUI.:
I'd say the sound effects person agrees with you.

HIVES:
Shall I initiate defensive action?

RU.T.QUI.:
I don't think so. Just read ahead in the script
and see how bad its going to be.

HIVES:
Very good, Sir.

SFX: Hives walking

NARRAT:
Meanwhile, back at the Dog Pound...

SFX: Dog pound. Continues to end of scene.

NARRAT:
...a small blonde woman with a twinkle in her eye...

SFX: Tinkle

NARRAT:
...is standing with Great Trepidation, who says...

GRE. TRE.:
Here, let me help you, you've got something in your eye.

WO.I.DO.PO.:
Don't mess with the twinkle in my eye
when you've got a gleam in your own. Now, what
kind of dog were you looking for?

GRE. TRE.:
I was hoping for a Shitsu with a high SAT score, a winning
personality and a wicked backhand.

WO.I.DO.PO.:
This isn't a dating service. What do you want? I
haven't got all day.

GRE. TRE.:
Oh, all right, give me two greyhounds, about twelve pounds
each, a half dozen chihuahuas and a beagle.

WO.I.DO.PO.:
Wow? A real animal lover! Will that be check or charge?

GRE. TRE.:
Neither. Cash.

WO.I.DO.PO.:
I'm sorry, sir. We don't take cash. Too much
risk of being robbed.

GRE. TRE.:
Okay. Charge. Here's my card.

WO.I.DO.PO.:
Alaskan Express?

GRE. TRE.:
Yep. I never leave Nome without it.

SFX: Woman and Dogs groan

WO.I.DO.PO.:
Tell you what, leave now, without saying another word,
and I won't shoot you.

NARRAT:
Meanwhile, back on Nancy, our hero's surplus
shuttle is under attack.

SFX: Science Fiction Battle noises

NARRAT:
But Rufus doesn't know it. He's taking a nap.

SFX: Battle Noises with Snore Imposed

NARRAT:
And Hives is almost at his Panasonic wit's end...

HIVES:
Two inches to go. Oh, woe is me. Where can you get
some wit on a Sunday in the Dewey System? Oh, what should
I do, what should I do? Ah! I know. I shall read ahead
in the script!

SFX: Flipping noise

HIVES:
Ah! So! I shall save us with a brainstorm. Okay. Well,
if that is what happens, then I don't have to worry.
I'll just sit back and wait for the brainstorm.

SFX: Major hit on the leeward hull. Alarm noises

NARRAT:
A fire starts in the forward game room and the sprinkler
system comes on right over Hives' cranial cavity.

SFX: Battle noises recede. Sprinkler sound and gentle
hissing noise come forward.

HIVES:
I know! I'll do what I always do when I'm wet
and miserable and under attack!

NARRAT:
What's that?

HIVES:
I'll sing "My Favorite Things"!

SFX: Recording of small children singing "My Favorite
Things" badly.

NARRAT:
And on the bridge of the attacking ship, an
alien Captain listens.

SFX: Tinnier version of previous effect.

ALIEN CAPT.:
Noooo! Anything but thaaatt! Break off the attack!
I need to see my analyst RIGHT NOW!

NARRAT:
The attacking ship stops being an attacking ship
and flies away.

SFX: Putting noise like toy airplane recedes into distance.

NARRAT:
While back on our Hero's ship, Hives is still singing
his diodes out.

SFX: Recording of small children singing "My Favorite
Things Badly".

NARRAT:
Cut it out! They're gone.

HIVES:
Oh, really? Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you.

NARRAT:
I'd like to find out. Meanwhile, back at the Dog Pound...

SFX: Dog Pound. Continues until end of scene

WO.I.DO.PO.:
God, I hope I never see that guy again.

NARRAT:
Uh. Meanwhile, back to the damaged shuttle.

SFX: Hammering on metal, ineptly.

HIVES:(half-singing)
I've been working on the game room,
patching up the holes...

NARRAT:
Rufus appears in the hatchway, eyes bleary with sleep.

RU.T.QUI.:
Ohhh. I just had a nightmare. I dreamed I was in Texas...

HIVES:
Good afternoon, sir, we have had that

attack that I mentioned to you earlier.

RU.T.QUI.:
Oh, is that what it was? I thought you were watching
"Star Wars" again, with the sound up.

HIVES:
Sorry.

RU.T.QUI.:
Well. Is this thing still flight-worthy?

HIVES:
Sorry, sir. I will have it repaired soon. Triple A is faxing
us a repair manual.

RU.T.QUI.:
Okay. I guess I'll go finish my nap.

HIVES:
Please set your alarm. According to the script, I'm due to
be kidnapped within half an hour.

NARR.
Meanwhile, at a beauty salon in Plea Bargain, Minnesota,
Great Trepidation is hatching a plot with his brother,
Great Reservations, and his sister, Great Expectations,
with the help of his sexual surrogate, Grand Tetons.

SFX: Dramatic Chord

NARR:
I'm getting tired of that. Try something else.

SFX: Out of tune piano playing "Chop Sticks".

NARR:
Keep that up and you'll be working for "Barney and Friends".

Last notes of Beethoven's Fifth

NARR:
That's better. Now, where was I?

HIVES:
The Grand Tetons.

NARR:
Thank you. (pause) Hey, what are you doing? You're not in this
part of the script!

HIVES:
Oh, I am truly sorry! Erase, erase! There, I was
never here. Buh-bye!

NARR:
OOOOO! If I could only get my novel about the sex life of the
piebald gnu published, I could quit this job. As I was saying...
Aw, forget it. Great Trepidation speaks.

GRE.TRE.:
Wondered when you'd get around to it. All right,
everybody got their part of the plot down?

GRE.RES.:
Yep. I drive the spaceship.

GRE.EXP.:
I grab the robot.

GRE.TRE.:
Right. Now, somebody remind me what I'm supposed to do. I forgot.

GRE.RES.:
You're going to cackle evilly and radio the ransom
demands to Rufus T. Quisling.

GRE.TRE.:
Oh. Right. How come you guys always get to have
all the fun?

GRE.EXP.:
Because you are the villain. You're not supposed
to have any fun.

GRA.TET.:
Yes, but remember, villains don't have to be
virginal like heroes do.

GRE.TRE.:
So I do get to have some fun?

GRA. TET:
Satisfaction, yes. Fun? Well, I know your case history.
Not much fun.

GRE.TRE.:
Aren't you breaching a client-therapist confidence there?

GRA.TET.:
Speaking as an imaginary character, there is no
confidentiality when there is no need in the
script for it.

GRE.TRE:
Oh. I guess I'll have to have a little talk with
script writers, then. Okay, on with the episode!

NARR:
The villain and his cohorts leap into their Chevy Speculum
rally grade space sloop...

SFX: Leaping sound

NARR:
and take off...

SFX: laboring Vespa

NARR:
in the general direction of Nancy. Meanwhile...

SFX:First Notes of Beethoven's Fifth

NARR:
Too soon. Wait for it. Meanwhile, back on Nancy, Hives
has gotten the manual and is repairing the shuttle while our
hero...(pause), our hero...(pause),(sotto voce) psst,
that's your cue! Our...

SFX: First notes of Beethoven's Fifth

NARR:
...hero is preusing the script for palindromes.
He has found two so far.

RU.T.QUI.:
Gee, I've found only two and they only make sense
in Sanskrit if you translate them from Frankish
Latin with the vowels transposed. Darn!

NARR:
Meanwhile, through the use of Faster Than Necessary
Flight, Great Trepidation, Great Reservations, Great
Expectations and Grand Tetons have arrived approximately
fifteen seconds before this announcement and
landed exactly twenty meters from our hero's...

SFX: First of the Fifth

NARR:
...shuttle. Read your cues, stupid!

SFX: Hives effect

HIVES:
Sir! A Bright Blue Chevy Speculum with louvred ports
and a neon license panel has landed exactly twenty
meters from our port prow.

RU.T.QUI.:
What? And what does the license panel say?

HIVES:
It is a personality plate, sir. It says 'B-L-G-I-M'.

SFX: dramatic mandoline chord

RU.T.QUI.:
Horrors! I associate that word with Great Trepidation.
He's here!

SFX: Buzz saw followed by sound of metal
creaking and striking deck

HIVES:
No poop, Pericles.

SFX: stomp of feet running quickly

GRE.EXP.:
Greetings, Robot. I hope you're packed. You're coming with me!

RU.T.QUI.:
Wait a second!

HIVES:
Good-bye, sir, see you in three pages.

RU.T.QUI.:
No! Hives! I won't let her take you! I...

NARR:
Great Expectations picks up Hives and runs away with him.

SFX: Stomp of feet running slowly.

GRE.EXP.:
(breathless) Unh! I didn't think a robot would weigh this much.

NARR:
Rufus has no idea what to do next, having lost
his script.

SFX: dramatic chord from ocarina

NARR:
Back to your old habits, ay? Keep it up and you'll get
kidnapped in the next episode. Now try it again.

SFX: first notes of Fifth

NARR:
There ya go. So, believing that any script is better
than none, Rufus begins to write his own.

SFX: very slow typing. continues under until
told to stop.

RU.T.QUI.:
Once... upon... a... time... far, far...
out... in... space... our... hero...

SFX: first notes of fifth

RU.T.QUI.:
Rufus T... Quisling... how do you spell Quisling?
Where's that dictionary? Hives!?

NARR:
Silence ensues.

RU.T.QUI.:
HIVES!

NARR:
The silence continues.

RU.T.QUI.:
That's funny. I thought I had a robot man-servant somewhere
around here. (pause)Oh, well. Quisling. How do I spell Quisling?
Who cares? It's my name, I can spell it any way I like.
K..W..E...Z..E..L..L...I..N..G..U..H..! There!

NARR:
Hey, stupid! Look at your name tag!

RU.T.QUI.:
No! I might have spelled it wrong and I would have to correct
what I just typed. Or, the guy that made the tag may have
gotten it wrong. Think of that!

NARR:
Stop the typing effect! I'm tired of this. Just sit
there while I get my script copied. Don't do anything
until I get back. Nothing!

RU.T.QUI.:
Okay.

measured tread of feet going away.
Sound of photocopy machine.
measured tread of feet returning

NARR:
Here, take this.

SFX: rustle of pages

RU.T.QUI.:
Thank you. What page are we on?

NARR:
The last.

RU.T.QUI.:
Then why did you copy the whole script?

NARR:
I don't know. Anyway, this has been an Illustrated Public Radio
production of 'The Adventures Of Rufus T. Quisling'.
Tune in next time when Hives falls in love with a tampon
dispenser and our hero...

SFX: first notes of Fifth

NARR:
Go home, why don't you? Our hero...our hero learns to spell.
Good-bye.

HIVES:
Wait! Wait! I'm back! I escaped! Don't you
want to hear about...

SFX: out of tune ocarina playin 'Annie's Theme' backwards