The Quest

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story is a work of fiction. Characters are intended to be amusing caricatures of their h2g2 counterparts, and the author means no offense in the use of researchers' names and characters. I don't even portray sea accurately. In short, please do not be offended. Your inclusion in the story simply means that I like you, so be flattered!


sea readied herself and started up the stairs, gun still in her hand. She moved silently, checking each room in turn, until the only one left was her own. She put a hand on the knob and took a deep breath. In one fluid motion, she turned the knob and shoved the door open, pointing her gun at the intruders.

The capybaras squealed.


Yes, there were two gigantic capybaras in sea's room; one on her bed, eating her pillow, the other rooting through her underwear drawer. sea choked back a scream and backed out of the room, crashing into the doorframe in her haste and slamming the door. She bolted down the stairs and out the door.

Whoever had vandalized the house knew sea well. He had to; sea's capybara-phobia was a well-hidden secret. She wondered where Saturn Girl and Busterbone had got to, but then decided that, wherever they were, they were probably enjoying the change in scenery.

sea went down into the basement and gathered together her valuable weapons. She didn't plan to come back; the memory of capybaras in her home would haunt her for the rest of her days. She loaded the armaments into her trunk and headed for a hotel.

sea started her research bright and early the next morning. She went to see Dancer first, because talking to him was usually quite exhausting. He was a brilliant, brilliant man, but he was ALWAYS DANCING! She usually had to follow him around and watch out for flying limbs when she interviewed him, and it was always a perilous affair. Today would be no different.

Dancer was in his 'office', the title of which sea always found amusing. It was really more of a dance studio, with its floor-to-ceiling mirrors, hardwood floors, and ballet bars. sea tried as best she could to stay out of the way as he spoke.

'Douglas Adams came up with the idea of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy while lying drunk in a field near Innsbruck,'
Dancer started. (Plié, rélèvé)

'He then went on to create the Hitchhiker's radio scripts-' (Arabesque) '-with the BBC.' (First position, second)

'Right, and where are those scripts now?' (Second position, third)

'Zarked if I know,' (third, fourth) 'I'd start in Innsbruck if I were you. Or maybe it was Surrey...' (fourth, fifth)

sea sighed.

'Do you know of anyone else who knows about this?'

Dancer went through the positions again, fast. sea got the feeling that she was in imminent danger of decapitation, and hit the deck just as Dancer gave a high kick that would have knocked her unconscious had she still been standing there.

'Talk to Uncle Heavy,' Dancer panted, holding his end pose. 'He's an expert in folklore and urban legends.'

sea took advantage of his stillness and made a hasty exit.

Of all the people sea didn't want to have to talk to, UH was the one she'd most like to avoid. Egotistical, haughty and downright infuriating, he always managed to make sea angry. As she stalked down the street, she began to formulate a plan. She couldn't just waltz into his office and ask him questions, because he would likely lie, just to spite her. No, she would have to be smart about it, and trick him into telling her.

sea turned into the h2g2 Folklore Museum and headed straight for UH's office. She walked right through the secretary, ex-Rambling - non-tangible people have no hope of stopping a freight train, and likewise sea wasn't going to be deterred - and slammed the office door open.

UH jumped like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, and he turned slightly red. sea cocked an eyebrow.

'Have I caught you at a bad time?'
UH opened his mouth to stutter an answer, but sea didn't wait.

'Oh, good. I just heard that you are being praised as an expert in mythology and folklore. Now, how on earth did you manage that, when we BOTH know you failed 'Myths and Lore 101'?'

UH now closely resembled a tomato, and was growing angry.

'I made that class up with an A!'

'The third time!'


'I bet you don't even know where the Holy Grail is fabled to be,'
sea said.

'You probably still think it's in Rome.'

UH jumped to his feet.

'HA! It was never in Rome. Besides, everyone in the antiquities business knows that you found it and sold it to Master Garius's museum.'

sea was not impressed.

'So that was too easy. How about the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy radio scripts?'

UH frowned. sea grinned.

'I've heard they were in Innsbruck or Surrey. And there was something about an underground fortress that would open for one hour on the 100 year anniversary of Douglas Adams's death, or something.'
He glanced up at sea.

'Is that right?'

sea snorted.

'Old news, that. But yes, that's what I've heard as well. Well, it seems I may have und--- er, ah, I may have an appointment that I've forgotten. We'll finish this later.'
sea turned and started for the door.

'How's the fear of capybaras coming?'

sea stopped dead in her tracks, her face twisting in rage. She turned around in a manner that reminded UH of a rattlesnake, and he immediately regretted his entire life, especially the part where he angered such a dangerous person.

'How do YOU know about that?'
sea asked in a low voice that dripped with venomous anger. UH suddenly felt an unnatural and irrational adoration for the large, solid desk that separated them.


UH dropped behind the desk as sea charged toward him. She slammed her fists on the top and UH began to babble incoherently.


sea glowered down at him for a moment, then turned on her heel and stalked out. The door slammed behind her.

UH clutched a hand to his chest and breathed a sigh of relief, but as his fear gradually subsided, he nursed his bruised ego, and he grew angry.

What will UH do? Just how angry IS he? Where is sea going? Will she walk right through ex-R again?

And in whose arms will sea find comfort? Find out next week!

The Quest Collection


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