LOCHWINNOCH AND ITS INHABITANTS
Created | Updated Mar 5, 2002
LOCHWINNOCH (n.) - (luch-in-yuch) - literal meaning; valley of a thousand turds
Population:-
Lochwinnoch is a small village about 25 miles west of the fair city Glazgooo. Its inhabitants are a peculiar race descended from the remnants of the Battle of Flodden and an overspill from Glazgoooo in the early 19th century. This has led to an unusual looking race, where turn-ups and tweed caps are the norm.
We don't have a local newspaper but old men and hairdressers can be a suprisingly good source of rumours. A penny dropped down a drain in the morning, can by late afternoon, be a bank robbers' stash which had to be dug out by Old Neeburs' dug in commando gear.
Lochwinnoch has a healthy population and a NOT so healthy population.
(The doctors surgery is also a great source of goss.) We have an alarming number of social rejects and weirdos which appear out of nowhere and can just as quickly disappear in a blaze of scandal.
Flora/Fauna Information:-
Lochwinnoch boasts some very impressive hills, famous for having both up AND downhill faces!! (Unique as far as we are aware). The local River meanders aimlessly around the village (as do the inhabitants) and, as mentioned previously, occasionally through some of the "Swamp dwellers" residences.
We also boast an impressive nature reserve run by the R.S.P.B (Really Silly Place for Birds)which, thanks to the removal of all those irritating trees, bushes and reeds, affords a spectacular view of the barren wasteland that once was the habitation for many species.
The village also boasts a fine water sports facility, which is shared by the local sewage treatment works! (No, we mean it!) This raises the temperature of the loch to that of a tropical glade, perfect for the beautiful "Bloo Green Algee", used in the less well known local delicacies Poop Soop, Squit Dip and Old Grandma McFlunky's Four Poopscoop Ice-cream.
Transportation:-
The quality of life in Lochwinnoch could be said to be fair to diabolical. Our local train station is approx. one mile outside the village, along a road dividing two Lochs which, after a particularly light summer shower, will flood and become one very large Loch. Hmmm, nice. Especially when you make that ever exciting journey on the choo-choo to Glazgooooo and arrive back to discover our luvly village has now become an island with tidal influences (though I'm glad to say, this has not yet affected the moon.)
The local bus service runs to a lunar timetable (i.e. once every Full Moon), causing problems with the aforementioned Tidal flooding. As the Journey to Glazgoooooo can take a little under a week, the bus conveniently doubles up as a public toilet.
History: -
The village can also be linked to the RMV Titanic, as all the wooden chairs installed in the vessel where manufactured here at the Solid Oak Furniture Co. Well, all the port side chairs, the starboard side contract was lost to the Kilbirnie Balsawood Carpentry Co. The resulting imbalance caused a spillage of ice cubes to completely capsize the vessel (Although, after the Village romour mongers where finished with the tale....well, ask Kate Winslett)
