h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In this world where the three S's reign supreme (Sanitisation, Sonic the Hedgehog and Psychopaths - if they can call them the three R's I can certainly call them the three S's!) the Ultimate toy has been resigned to a bygone era; an era when sprogs were free to roam the streets, eat mud and go wild in the fertile pastures of their imagination.

The ultimate toy could not be bought with money - well it could but you'd be a fool to pay. Mass produced it certainly was but no two were ever the same.

My youth was spent in the wilds of central scotland where toys got burried, broken or chewed by dogs and subsequently lost. Play Stations, Gameboys, X-boxes or whatever were the stuff of futuristic legend, up there with flying cars, meals in pill form and tin foil trousers. In order for a toy to last, it had to be robust, it had to be replaceable and more to the point it had to be versatile; It had to be The Ultimate Toy.

Yes, the Ultimate Toy for me has to have been the humble stick. Admittedly, living on a farm they were easy to come by. What other toy comes in as many shapes and sizes and is so versatile?

Short and fat made for fantastic hand grenades; long and thin were the most versatile as nettle killers, machine guns, bows, light sabres or anything else you can think of. If the dog chewed it, it didn't matter, there were plenty more around. They come with notches, bends and off shoots, in bendy, brittle and strong form. You could hit things, stab things, poke, stir, chuck do whatever ... could a toy be any more versatile?

Hide and seek took on a whole new dimension when you were armed with hand grenades and a brother who was willing to throw himself into nettle patches in the name of realism.

I realise that this could give the impression that I was a violent child? Well the truth is I was probably no more violent than anyone else. All that pent up energy was expended outside on trees and mud rather than inside on my siblings.
I wasn't allowed to watch television until it was dark which meant in the summer I never watched any but would be outside getting muddy, sticky and bug bitten ... sheer bliss!

I know I was lucky to have the space to do such things but to be honest I personally believe, as I see someone else has already said, the imagination is all a sprog really needs. Imagination and an empty box, a stick or whatever.

There are I know some weirdos out there but there were in my youth too. We had a murderer and a rapist living in the woods where my brother, sister and I used to play. They were there for a month before the police caught up with them ... not at the same time but I don't think that really makes any difference.

As for the sanitisation issue ... sheesh! Mud, worms, grass, gravel, sticks whatever they've all at some point or other featured in my diet ... if you haven't eaten a worm how do you know they don't taste nice ... what if it's all propaganda and actually worms are delicious only being savoured by the knowing few? If you're of that age I say Carpe Nematodum ... at least you'll know!

All hail the humble stick - the Ultimate Toy!