Originally, i started writing this entry to make A simple point - that if U write like everyone else, U will capitalise the first person pronoun 'i', while leaving all other proununs uncapitalised. Y do U do this? Y do teachers teach this as the only proper way to write English? While i was at school, choosing not to capitalise 'i' was A most heinous thing - an unacceptable act of rebellion. The excuse they gave was that 'i', unlike A word like 'her' or 'you', is only A single letter, so it needs extra emphasis to make it stand out in text. What lies: we do not capitalise the indefinate article 'A', neither do txt msgs capitalise 'U', 'Y', and similar single letter abbreviations. Clearly we cannot trust teachers for the answers to our linguistic questions. Or indeed anything - such people would claim that the Earth was flat if they thought it made geography easier to teach.

We could instead ask linguists, but linguists are notoriously stupid¹. Why, only the other day some linguist was claiming that artificially invented language never succeeded - if we listened to hir sort we'd still be communicating in grunts and gurgles - out of fear that sentences were somehow 'unnatural' and 'contrived'. My only guess is that these creatures of the night somehow hide their latent incompetence behind a mask of obscure long words and gramatical pedantry. How else could they skulk around in elevated circles without the reflexive vanity of such demonic trickery? Speak not unto linguists, for they shalt say both 'indubitably' and 'negativity' and thou shalt require a dictionary to divine their true meaning.

The Horrifying Truth

The simple truth is that capitalisation of 'i' is a cunning linguist plot, and linguists are little more than willing dupes of the 'free'-marketeers and so-called democrats. The fiendish linguists aim to over-hype the importance of the single person, while pouring subliminal scorn on the very concepts of altruism and empathy. It's a crude ploy to promote selfishness over co-operation, and the ruthless crushing of the poor under the APVs of the rich. And looking around the world, it seems to have worked. Nobody suspected their own words of harbouring the roots of their unhappiness, bar a few philosophers, and they're almost as duplicitious as linguists.

I had planned to end this entry here, but everywhere I looked I saw more signs of this inhuman conspiracy of linguists and the extreme far right - by the devilishly subtle means of simply determining which words are to be displayed with capitals, and which without. For example, the right-wing has ever been associated with the larger-scale selfishness of nationalists and their obscene bleats of 'patriotism': note well that the names of countries, nationalities, ethnic groups, religions and languages are invariably spelt with capitals. So we find that the politics of jealousy and isolation is embedded as deeply as the Oxford English dictionary.

Our European Cousins

And what better proof could there be than looking at German. The Language capitalises all Nouns in all Sentences, no Matter what they mean. Such a vehemently anti-capitalist language could only come from the country that spawned the greatest anti-capitalist movement in the world!

Well, if you can call fascism 'anti-capitalist'. But it was certainly a movement: moved all the way through France, and a good way through Russia. I guess it's not that great either, especially nowadays. It was all those capital Is from the English that held them off, in the Battle of First Person Pronouns! (later renamed so it'd look sexier as the chapter heading of an A-level textbook).

If I knew more European languages, I could probably develop this point somehow. Ahh well.

The Road Ahead

I have a wondrous solution to this scourge of modern day thought, but it is too large for this entry. For as sure as the werewolf howls at the moon, so there is no place more under the influence of capitalist linguist capitalisers than h2g2. The uncapitalised name of the site is just a cover for a sinister process whereby Researchers fall under the spell of the Italics, Editors, Peer Review, and the like. Indeed, specially devised Entries like the House Rules caution researchers against violating the strictures of the linguists, lest they be Edited from the community - DO NOT SPEAK IN ALL CAPITALS. (actually, I can't find the exact line - maybe I misremembered...) Few ever dare to breach this linguistic straight-jacket - and those who do are never heard from again.

If there is any hope, it lies in the post.

Reminder to self: read more about Noam Chomsky - linguist, anti-capitalist, and surely relevant here!

Disclaimer: For the humour-impaired, and in particular for linguists, who have notoriously poor senses of humour: this entry is not serious. Or indeed Serious. And certainly not SERIOUS, heaven forfend. Neither is much of this disclaimer.

¹Except for cunning linguists, that is