A Visitor's Guide to Houston, Texas
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
1. Downtown Houston is composed almost entirely of one way streets. That is, of course, with the exception of large four-lane "thoroughfares" that have no exits. The only way to get out of downtown Houston is to turn around and start over when you reach Dallas, Texas.
2. All directions start with, "Go down Westheimer..."
3. Westheimer has no beginning and no end. (actually, a friend of mine and I decided to see if we could prove this theory. We found where Elgin turns into Westheimer, so we found the "beginning." The "end" was over 20 miles later, when it hit Highway 6 and reassumed its proper name of FM 1093, which goes on to San Antonio some 180 miles away).
4. Houston is neither the home of Coca-Cola (that's Atlanta, GA) nor Dr. Pepper (that's Waco, TX). However, both of these drinks are consumed like there's no tomorrow. Ask for a Pepsi and you will be stoned.
5. Gate One at the Airport is only 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.
6. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic drive."
7. The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush
hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
8. If you actually stop at the yellow light, you cannot be from Houston. The City of Houston actually has up to an extra THREE SECONDS delay programmed into our lights just because people tend to run them.
9. Middle Turn Lanes are not understood by anybody.
10. "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are.
11. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss." So is "Honey." That is, if you're at a Ma'n'Pa type place.
12. Sjolander can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt
the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. (Quick Hint: it's Swedish; says "SHO-lahn-der")
13. One of the ways that Houstonians are able to identify themselves from visitors is by really scewing up the Spanish pronounciation. If someone says "san ha-SIN-to" instead of "san jacinto," it's a dead giveaway. "San Felipe" is, likewise, "san FIL-ip-ay," not "san fel-EEP-ay."
14. The falling of one snowflake causes all traffic to immediately cease; so the same effect can be achieved by daylight savings time and a girl applying eye shadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over.
15. Houston is pronounced "YEW-STON." Humble (the place just north of town) is pronounced "UM-ble"
16. Construction on the I-45 Freeway is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.
17. Many unexplained sights can be explained simply by the phrase,
"Oh, we are in Montrose!!" If you are a visitor from space, you will most likely blend in best at the intersection of Montrose and Westheimer.
18. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they
close down all lanes except one during rush hour.
19. If you are caught in the car park of a freeway during rush
hour, just follow the rut marks in the grass to exit the freeway.
20. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it was probably left on at the factory where the car was made.
21. Finally, the 95 pound woman driving the Ford Excursion (the largest vehicle ever produced in the world) absolutely MUST come to a complete stop, then proceed at 2.5 mph over any railroad track. Let's face it, this vehicle was built to invade small countries with, and she's worried about the rail road tracks!!!)
22. The motorway system of Houston was designed to look like a giant target/squid. I-45 runs N/S (N-to Dallas-Ft.Worth, S-to Galveston). I-10 runs E/W (E-to Beaumont, W-to San Antonio). The Toll Road/Highway 8 is the outer loop; however, it is only the toll road from I-10 E clockwise around to I-45 N. 610 is the inner loop that runs through the Galleria. 59 runs SW/NE. 59 and 610 is where the Galleria is. The intersection of 610 and I-10 is one of the most dangerous intersections in the US. 610 and 59 is another one of the 20 most dangerous intersections in the US. These are a mere three miles apart from each other. There are other highways, such as 288 (which dissects downtown but serves no other purpose than letting more motorists onto the motorway). Unless you are a native (or have lived here at least three years), you cannot possibly hope to understand the nuances behind this crazy system.
2. All directions start with, "Go down Westheimer..."
3. Westheimer has no beginning and no end. (actually, a friend of mine and I decided to see if we could prove this theory. We found where Elgin turns into Westheimer, so we found the "beginning." The "end" was over 20 miles later, when it hit Highway 6 and reassumed its proper name of FM 1093, which goes on to San Antonio some 180 miles away).
4. Houston is neither the home of Coca-Cola (that's Atlanta, GA) nor Dr. Pepper (that's Waco, TX). However, both of these drinks are consumed like there's no tomorrow. Ask for a Pepsi and you will be stoned.
5. Gate One at the Airport is only 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.
6. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic drive."
7. The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush
hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
8. If you actually stop at the yellow light, you cannot be from Houston. The City of Houston actually has up to an extra THREE SECONDS delay programmed into our lights just because people tend to run them.
9. Middle Turn Lanes are not understood by anybody.
10. "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are.
11. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss." So is "Honey." That is, if you're at a Ma'n'Pa type place.
12. Sjolander can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt
the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. (Quick Hint: it's Swedish; says "SHO-lahn-der")
13. One of the ways that Houstonians are able to identify themselves from visitors is by really scewing up the Spanish pronounciation. If someone says "san ha-SIN-to" instead of "san jacinto," it's a dead giveaway. "San Felipe" is, likewise, "san FIL-ip-ay," not "san fel-EEP-ay."
14. The falling of one snowflake causes all traffic to immediately cease; so the same effect can be achieved by daylight savings time and a girl applying eye shadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over.
15. Houston is pronounced "YEW-STON." Humble (the place just north of town) is pronounced "UM-ble"
16. Construction on the I-45 Freeway is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.
17. Many unexplained sights can be explained simply by the phrase,
"Oh, we are in Montrose!!" If you are a visitor from space, you will most likely blend in best at the intersection of Montrose and Westheimer.
18. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they
close down all lanes except one during rush hour.
19. If you are caught in the car park of a freeway during rush
hour, just follow the rut marks in the grass to exit the freeway.
20. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it was probably left on at the factory where the car was made.
21. Finally, the 95 pound woman driving the Ford Excursion (the largest vehicle ever produced in the world) absolutely MUST come to a complete stop, then proceed at 2.5 mph over any railroad track. Let's face it, this vehicle was built to invade small countries with, and she's worried about the rail road tracks!!!)
22. The motorway system of Houston was designed to look like a giant target/squid. I-45 runs N/S (N-to Dallas-Ft.Worth, S-to Galveston). I-10 runs E/W (E-to Beaumont, W-to San Antonio). The Toll Road/Highway 8 is the outer loop; however, it is only the toll road from I-10 E clockwise around to I-45 N. 610 is the inner loop that runs through the Galleria. 59 runs SW/NE. 59 and 610 is where the Galleria is. The intersection of 610 and I-10 is one of the most dangerous intersections in the US. 610 and 59 is another one of the 20 most dangerous intersections in the US. These are a mere three miles apart from each other. There are other highways, such as 288 (which dissects downtown but serves no other purpose than letting more motorists onto the motorway). Unless you are a native (or have lived here at least three years), you cannot possibly hope to understand the nuances behind this crazy system.
