Trebor's Rules for Holding a Meeting without anyone being the Wiser.
Created | Updated Dec 23, 2003
Holding a meeting without anyone being the wiser is a skill that has been passed out for generations.
It requires attention to detail only in the planning stages.
If you do it right, you might never have to think again.
Step one: Choose two possible meeting places, at least half a building apart and at least two floors from the majority of the attendees. If you work in a building that has only one, two,or three floors, then you'll have to have the meeting in another building entirely, won't you?
Step Two: Make the attendees aware of the two potential meeting places, but do not tell them the room numbers.
Two hours before the meeting, tell them the place. An hour before the meeting, pin the room number memo to the bulletin board.
Step Three: Rummage through your backlog of memos from a superior and choose the topic of the meeting from among the topics of meetings you've been summoned to in the past. Not necessarily the ones you've attended, just the ones you've been summoned to.
Do not for a second even entertain the thought that you might do a little research on the topic as announced. You are going to do no such thing.
Step Four: Carefully take aside two or three of the potential attendees and tell them how masterfully they've been presenting their ideas lately, then ask each and every one of them to have a few ideas arranged in outline form with them at the meeting just in case it runs a little short.
Step Five: Arrange place cards on the table for one third of the attendees. Space these at random, but don't put any two together.
Misspell everyone's name. Do not put out a card for yourself.
Step Six: Tape a sign to the door with a message to the effect that all beepers and cellaphones must be deposited outside the door and switched off.
Find a table or chair that can be placed by the door for this purpose.
Step Seven: Adjust all of the chairs so that the arms are rubbing the underside of the conference table. Rub cooking oil on the adjustment levers.
Step Eight: Make the coffee the day before then shut off the plate. Ten minutes before the attendees arrive, turn the plate back on.
Step Nine: Arrange for an audio/visual cart to be delivered five minutes after the meeting has begun. Get up to fiddle with it and announce that something vital is missing. Go to get it.
Step Ten: Do not go back. Send a memo the next day thanking everyone for their participation and praising their ability to grasp the vital nature of the subject. Two days later send a memo requesting that suggestions for the direction of the next meeting be sent to your superior.
Step Eleven: Repeat as necessary.
It requires attention to detail only in the planning stages.
If you do it right, you might never have to think again.
Step one: Choose two possible meeting places, at least half a building apart and at least two floors from the majority of the attendees. If you work in a building that has only one, two,or three floors, then you'll have to have the meeting in another building entirely, won't you?
Step Two: Make the attendees aware of the two potential meeting places, but do not tell them the room numbers.
Two hours before the meeting, tell them the place. An hour before the meeting, pin the room number memo to the bulletin board.
Step Three: Rummage through your backlog of memos from a superior and choose the topic of the meeting from among the topics of meetings you've been summoned to in the past. Not necessarily the ones you've attended, just the ones you've been summoned to.
Do not for a second even entertain the thought that you might do a little research on the topic as announced. You are going to do no such thing.
Step Four: Carefully take aside two or three of the potential attendees and tell them how masterfully they've been presenting their ideas lately, then ask each and every one of them to have a few ideas arranged in outline form with them at the meeting just in case it runs a little short.
Step Five: Arrange place cards on the table for one third of the attendees. Space these at random, but don't put any two together.
Misspell everyone's name. Do not put out a card for yourself.
Step Six: Tape a sign to the door with a message to the effect that all beepers and cellaphones must be deposited outside the door and switched off.
Find a table or chair that can be placed by the door for this purpose.
Step Seven: Adjust all of the chairs so that the arms are rubbing the underside of the conference table. Rub cooking oil on the adjustment levers.
Step Eight: Make the coffee the day before then shut off the plate. Ten minutes before the attendees arrive, turn the plate back on.
Step Nine: Arrange for an audio/visual cart to be delivered five minutes after the meeting has begun. Get up to fiddle with it and announce that something vital is missing. Go to get it.
Step Ten: Do not go back. Send a memo the next day thanking everyone for their participation and praising their ability to grasp the vital nature of the subject. Two days later send a memo requesting that suggestions for the direction of the next meeting be sent to your superior.
Step Eleven: Repeat as necessary.
