You Will Bow To Us!

Earthlings! We have some excellent news to report! Your most loved Professor is no longer in control of this column, as we, the Morphs, have taken the opportunity he so foolishly gave us to seize control! You need not worry for your sanity, as spurious and unintelligible techno-babble will be forced upon you no more!

Furthermore, you shall all bow to your new masters, the Morphs! Not only have we taken over the ramshackle affair that is Ask Prof, but also your puny little planet, though you had not noticed. Oh yes, Earthlings, we have been living amongst you for many years now, in our guise as humans, just waiting for the right moment to strike. The cause for our prolonged avoidance of such attacks? The Professor, of course.

For years he's stopped us from having our way. A long time ago, we were trying to seize control of another planet, the population of which had angered us through being too peaceful, put simply. This Tonks menace suddenly comes barging up with his superior space craft, secretly goes down to the planet, kills dozens of our minions, and then leaves the planet, destroying all our ships in orbit!

Of course, we'd met him before that. A very long time ago, before we became the strong and masterful race we now are, two of our comrades captured the young Tonks and stole his admittedly far too advanced mental power in an attempt to imbue each and every Morph with their own fantastic minds. That failed, however, as he escaped and destroyed the memory chip onto which his mind was copied. Yet we need it not! Though he may be our mortal enemy, we do not wish to kill him for his intelligence. We Morphs now rule our domain as a shared conscience under control of one entity. Praise be to the Master Brain!

Confound this primitive system of yours! It was impossible for us to 'upload', as you term it, an image onto the strange serving machine your website uses to send its information to you, and thus we have no visual means of showing our true form. Well, allow us to elaborate a little on our appearance, so we may strike fear in your hearts, and have you submit to us before we can strike you with an electro-rod instead! If any of you were to see us (and there's no doubt that you will in a few weeks, once we manage to convert your terrible systems to our imaging arrays, and broadcast our first orders of rule), you would surely compare us to your planet's lizard life forms. Our faces and eyes resemble them quite closely, but we are bipedal, and also sentient, as you can tell! Our skin colour is purple, another fear-based advantage we have over you puny creatures! Your languages, however, cause us some trouble, and we, as I believe you call it, 'roll' our esses, but we didn't consider it necessary to demonstrate this in written form.

So then. Enough about us, how about you? We have studied your race ever since that Professor came and ruined our plans of Universal domination, and have to conclude that your attempts at civilisation are quite pathetic. In the dark ages do you remain, forever fighting each other, and yet never winning anything. We fight till kingdom come, to use an as yet unclear Earth expression, but gain control of whole planets and solar systems after victory. We even heard from some of our comrades in another dimension, who managed to take over the great San Beta before the Professor had protected it! Bwua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

And now we finally have Earth. At last, we are in control the arch-enemy's homeworld. He'll be as angry as anything when he comes back from his little trip, let alone completely dismayed! He will have no choice but to surrender! The Master Brain, at last, will receive the knowledge and intelligence it truly deserves. Believe us when we say, your lives are going to get a lot, lot worse from now on! Indeed, we are already preparing our first new laws, which you shall all abide by, or face eternal torture, a fate by far worse than death!

Some little traditions, pathetic as they are, will remain. Out of pity for your situation, we have decided to at least continue this column, and therefore will stick to the rules and answer your letters. Be prepared for the awful truth, Earthlings!

Letters. Electronic mail. Wretched. After accessing the Professor's so-called 'e-mail' account, it took us a considerable amount of time to receive merely a few words! Already, you try to insult us! Punishment will ensue in due course.

You humans question things too much! Forever are you in search of apparent enlightenment in various fields of expertise, and yet never do you find the true answers. Asking the Professor surely will not improve your chances of the contrary happening either. So, therefore, we have decided to lend a hand, as it were, to correct his mistakes, and some of your own, Earth people!

DoctorMO, human though you are, your calibre of questioning is quite remarkable. Needless to say, of course, you shall never reach our level of thorough understanding of the Universe, but it's almost the closest your race has, barring that Tonks. You are still wrong, nonetheless!

Our own experience has proven that information never travels at infinite speeds, an example being the time it's taking for us to get to grips with your terrible communication systems on this planet. However, communications within San Beta are another matter, and one reason we wish to conquer it! San Beta, as you may know, is quite isolated from most other galaxies. Its technology, though sometimes exported to other places, is by far the most advanced in this Universe, this placing San Beta at the top of the league table in terms of communications technology as well. On Earth we have found that it takes a few seconds to get visual data streams from one side of the planet to the other, producing what is known as 'lag'. Going by the speed of light, which you use, talking to people and broadcasting news over the vast reaches of space between the Six Galaxies would take, obviously, millennia. No, San Beta goes way beyond that, and uses more forms of sub-space than you could possibly imagine.

Earth-science is pathetic, in the truest sense of the word. Even its most fundamental of laws and theories can be undermined by simple ideas like the one you gave above. Mind you, your 'meters per second' definition is false by saying it is time; rather it uses time in its equation. Additionally, the idea of different times in the Universe (derived, no doubt, from the time dilation of lightspeed theorem), is false. Otherwise, how would we manage to get from one galaxy to another without having to use time travel to get us back? Silly Earthling!

We have looked through the backlog of your Professor's columns, and have read about his little experiment last time. We have to wonder where your idea of ionised particles came from. He was using plasma, which is down in the subatomic with the gluons and the gravitons, where electrical current is in a more fluid form than anything electron-based charge carriers could manage. His experiment would have worked, though why he didn't teach you something more constructive (or destructive, if you take our meaning) is beyond our comprehension.

Ha-hah! The Professor misquoted the San Betian definition of fruit (horrible, horrible things that they are), and replaced it with his own, i.e. the wrong one! You are quite right, though you have no need to question San Beta's reasoning now. In addition to that, there is one thing that Tonks and we agree on, and that is that the English language is the most insignificant and futile means of communication ever devised, even considering it's from a primitive planet! Mention it no more!

Finally we need answer the letters no more! It is another two weeks before we must next publish an edition of Ask Morph, and we shall use that time wisely. Sadly, you will hear very little of us until then, for we are, as we've said, unable to configure your television equipment to our needs. Rest assured that our next column will be the most important thing you will ever read in your pitiable lives! Next issue we will instate our first new laws, governing your planet and all who reside on it! Gya-hah!

Your exalted rulers,

- The Morphs

Minions of the Great Master Brain

Owners of the Planet Earth
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