The Speak Your Weight Machine (which, it turns out, is not actually a machine at all) is just one of the many attractions at Pinniped's "End of the Pier Revue". That's enough plugging. Let's have some action. Or at least some of what passes for action round here...

Good afternoon. Or whatever time it is. If we were truly at the Pole, then it could be whatever time you like. But I digress.

I am the Speak Your Weight Machine. Yes, I know I don't look like a machine. To tell you the truth, we haven't been able to locate one yet. You'll just have to use your imagination. Aha, I can see that you're getting into the spirit of this. Would you mind not standing on my flipper like that?

The reason I'm here is because Pinniped has been appointed Keeper of Blubber. Yes, it is indeed fairly typical that he's delegated the responsibility. But before he did, he gave very clear instructions about what to say to any visitors seeking counsel about their weight.

I think it's probably a good idea to completely ignore those instructions, and to substitute some advice of my own. As you can see, I am in fact a magnificent specimen of an Elephant Seal. I am a veritable leviathan of the seas, and I am entirely comfortable with my monstrous bulk. In fact, it's obesity that's got me where I am today. Just think of it, a burgeoning harem of submissive beauties and an unchallenged degree of social dominance which leaves would-be rivals floundering in jealousy and despair.

By comparison, you're just a miserable scrap of flesh. You take my point? You're not nearly fat enough. True, your keyboard-tapping lifestyle, to say nothing of all that beer, has improved your physique a little, but you're going to have to do a lot less if you're going to get any further. I don't mean get further in the translocational sense; getting around that way is positively bad for your corpulence. I mean in the sense of bulk-expansion, which is the only sense that truly matters.

I can see that you're still sceptical. You probably think that being fat is a disadvantage for humans. Well, it's true that a number of things are designed by the terminally thin, like clothes and cars and coffins for example, but that's only because fat people haven't achieved their critical mass yet. Either in individual or in societal terms. As soon as enough of you are immense, everything will be adapted to accommodate your gargantuan girth. And if you can't wait, you can always emigrate to the United States of America.

Not that impatience is good for you. You should be careful about all forms of stress; they tend to reduce fatness. If you must get anxious, it's a good idea to develop an eating compulsion to go with it. And don't pick something like chocolate that you simply can't afford to consume in artery-hardening quantities. Go for something cheap and wholesome. Pure lard is a good one.

The advantages of being practically boundless are practically boundless. You don't have to sit next to people on buses. You can float in the swimming pool without the effort of moving your limbs, or the expense of flotation aids. Children will avoid you, and it's worth it for that alone as far as I'm concerned. And once you've got copious bulges of adipose tissue, you can live anywhere without feeling the cold. There are places in the South Atlantic where real estate prices are unbelievably low, although the lard deliveries can be a bit haphazard.

You still look unconvinced. There have been a few weirdos who thank me for convincing them that they're not all that fat after all. You're not one of them, are you? I beg your pardon? What did you say? You want me to actually tell you how much you weigh? I can't be bothered. Hardly a significant number, is it? Not very many hundreds of pounds at all. And I suppose you do realise that, if you oblige me to shift my bulk in order to get a proper look at you, then I might just decide to roll right over and splatter you all over the deck?

You still want me to tell you how much you weigh? Well all right, you disgusting sylph, you asked for it...

The huge creature begins to lumber ominously towards you. There is a sudden splintering crash, and it disappears abruptly through the floor. Pinniped enters, looking mildly annoyed about this progressive diminution of his fixed assets.

"Well, there's a cautionary tale. Looks like you were right in the first place about the desirability of losing weight. Fish are very fattening, of course, and we all know how tempting they can be. Allow me to take a few off your hands?"