The employee handbook
Created | Updated Feb 28, 2010
For the purposes of instruction, the handbook shall be any literature distributed by the company, appended later without warning or notification, or edited for clarity or legal recourse in the future or retro-actively.
For the purposes of this handbook, an employee is anyone who has been provided with a handbook under the guidelines set forth by the company's law firm or the employee's union representative.
Within this handbook, all notifications and instructions are subject to change without notification or further instruction. The company is under no obligation to provide every employee with a copy of every new edition of this handbook.
You are legally bound as an employee by the terms and conditions conditionally provided within this handbook as it stands at any time. A lack of knowledge of the actual contents or addendums or corrections to this handbook shall not be a defense for violating any of it's conditional terms or the terms used to describe those conditions.
This handbook may not be copied, written in or read aloud.
This handbook may not be shown to anyone who is not authorized to be employed by this company.
If it can be proved that you have shared proprietary information contained within this handbook to anyone, the existence of this handbook and of your employment with this company will be denied.
If you find anything in this handbook to be in error, then you are probably working for the wrong company.
Any previous editions of this handbook are null and void.
Possession of a handbook from any previous company you have been employed with and not shared with your supervisor will be grounds for an investigation under the accusation of industrial espionage.
Comparison of any procedures found at previous places of employment with the terms and conditions found in the handbook here will be grounds for an investigation under the accusation of provoking mutiny.
If at any point you feel that the grammar, style or format of this handbook are in error, the mental health staff at our insurance provider's rest camp will disabuse you of that position.
Receipt of this handbook must be acknowledged in writing and that writing must be accompanied by a legible signature.
If at any time you are permanently separated from our company, the handbook or books must be returned on the day of separation or the health of your family pet is in jeopardy.
Please affix your thumbprint, a drop of your blood and a signature indicating that you have read and understood this preface to your company handbook.
