In a recent poll to define the most intelligent species on planet Earth, a variety of ape (Homonidae) was uncontrovertibly chosen as the winner. The main justification for their victory was that they alone possessed the faculty of reason, and the ability to discern good from bad and right from wrong.¹

Rather endearingly, the panel of selectors and judges consisted of but one of the thirty-odd million recorded species living on the planet. A cry of ‘Fix!’ could not be raised, for there was no-one and nothing else to raise it. Similarly, a drugs test was not called for. Here are a few of the winning attributes.

Reason:

Because Homonidae can tell good from bad they frequently find themselves behaving in a way that could be broadly defined as bad. This is where their other prime faculty, reason, comes into its own. One of the most useful things about reason is that it can be used to justify almost anything they know they shouldn’t have done, or shouldn’t be doing. Very quickly they will be able to produce several reasons as to why they acted the way they did at the time. Be it harpooning whales, kicking a dog, genocide or not returning calls, reason will allow them to justify the act, wash away remorse, and leave them free to keep on doing whatever they shouldn’t have done (or shouldn’t be doing).

Morals:

Homonidae largely agree that morals are a good thing to have. The difficulty arises when an individual encounters another individual with a different set of morals. The first Homonidae might posit that stealing food from the mouths of babes is a bad thing. The second Homindae might argue that, no, on the contrary, with-holding aid from countries full of Homonidae they do not particularly like is a good thing and that if enough little Homonidae die, then their parents might start doing as their told.

Morals also stop them doing things which they really, really want to do. Frequently morals are tied into religion. Religion is, broadly speaking, for those Homonidae who need someone else to inform them of what their morals should look like. Once these Homonidae are gathered together they generally worship a ghostly Big Daddy Homonidae who will step in when the going gets rough, in return for a small donation. There is a critical mass for morals; if one group grows too large, they can decide what other group’s morals should consist of and try to kill them if they have any objections. It keeps the numbers managable.

Making things:

Homonidae love to make things. Amongst their proudest achievements are their dwelling places. Which is odd, as they spend so much of their time making things for other Homonidae that they rarely get to spend any significant time dwelling in them. Some Homonidae spend their entire working lives making baby food for other Homonidae so that they may generate an income from which they can purchase, say, some baby food for their own little Homonidae. The idea that they could stay in their dwelling place and grow their own food for their own little Homonidae is rendered unworkable by third party Homonidae who insist that they need currency in order to survive, and that if the Homonidae in question doesn’t go out and work for it, then it is in danger of being thrown out of it’s dwelling. This is called economics.

Mathematics:

Two things are made up, and then another two things are made up. When it is decided that all is well, they are ‘added together’ and then there are four made up things. Similar to economics.