Love Letters
Created | Updated Dec 7, 2003
Love letters come straight from the heart, according to Elvis Presley and Alison Moyet, although it is to be sure that while she probably did, he never found it necessary to sit down and pour his soul out over a scented piece of premium-quality, delicate-lilac Basildon Bond A5.
The rationale of writing such a letter (if there is one, of course), is to make the woman of your dreams aware that you have fallen for her 'Big Time'. There is little point in speculating what makes a love letter successful, other than to say that it should aim to combine the pure and emotional honesty of Mahatma Ghandi with the efficient, pen-pushing prowess of Jeffrey Archer. Under no circumstances should you ever confuse the two, by the way: Jeffrey Archer isn't 'pure' in any sense of the word, nor is he emotionally honest, come to think of it. But whereas Jeffrey frequently used his God-given lexical expertise to woo some of his street's most attractive females, Ghandi didn't. And for the purposes of this article, it is much more important to follow the quixotic example of Archer's exceptional dealings with this country's gentlewomen, rather than that set by an incoherent virgin wrapped in a blanket. Also, make sure that your letter follows a logical, but poetically fanciful path instead of having it read like the inarticulate ravings of a babbling psychotic. A typical format of a love letter might read like the example below, which was found amongst some personal belongings in an open grave in a Weston-Super-Mare cemetery:
Hi *________...
How are you? Hope you got back ok, yesterday! This is actually the fourth time I've started to write this letter, mainly because I wasn't happy with what I was saying and wanted to word it better, but also because the 'e' key stopped working for a while, and because 'e' is such an important letter, if I'd have carried on, the message probably wouldn't have made much sense.
But that's another story. What I really wanted to tell you is what I decided against saying on Saturday night. The reason for this... well there are a few reasons, in fact: Firstly, you started telling me about the 'problems' you'd had with various male friends, and it would have been a bit inappropriate after that, and, secondly, I just didn't want to embarrass you (or myself) so thought it would be better for you to read it, and just have a think about what I NEED to say. I need to be extremely honest as well, so please bear with me.
Before I came to Weston, one of the people who I worked with (Albert, who was about 50) told me a story about when he was a lot younger, he used to really fancy one of his sister's friends, but because she was a few years older than he was, he didn't have the courage to tell her how he felt - he used to see her EVERY day of his life for 5 years and always imagined what it would be like for him to be her boyfriend. He never told her how he felt, got married to someone else (and later divorced) and is now living with his second fiancé. A few years ago, he saw this woman again, who was also divorced and she told him that she had always liked him and was secretly hoping that he would ask her out. Because he hadn't, she reasoned that he didn't see her in that way.
There's little point in saying how much this thing had affected Albert, mainly because I don't know. He was happy, and didn't regret anything he had done, but he wondered ever since seeing her again, how different things might have turned out if he had told her when he had the chance. He told me that whatever I did in life, I should always be honest with myself and the people around me.
The reason why I have told you that, if it isn't already obvious, is that after the conversation we had about those guys (**_______ and **______) who had given you 'problems' as you put it, I couldn't really open up in the way I would have liked in case you saw me as giving you problems too. I think why you saw them as giving you those obstacles is that maybe they didn't really articulate well enough what they meant, so now I suppose it's my turn (and I hope I won't be remembered in the same way!).
When I look at you (as I did on Saturday night, and as I have done every time I see you) I swear to God that I just can't believe how incredibly beautiful you are. I genuinely haven't got a clue about whether you're aware of it, and I honestly didn't think that anyone on earth could be so much like an angel. When I saw you for the first time, I couldn't take my eyes of you, which really annoyed me at the time because I don't really like to think that I'm so influenced by looks. Anyway, now that I have got to know you better, I realise that I was right about you all the time - I can see why I was attracted to you so much: you are beautiful, intelligent, talented and really wonderful to be around.
I don't think that you feel the same way about me. In fact, I'd bet my life on it, but I just think it's really important to be honest about it because if I didn't, I swear I would look back on this, when I'm old and ragged and have about 24 hours to live, and regret this whole thing. It would be terrible to think about what could have been, and not being able to say anything would drive me mad! I don't want to end up like Albert.
I hope that you understand why I have to tell you how much I'm attracted to you. When I'm with you, it feels like you take my breath away, although I know that probably doesn't make sense to you. It's very difficult to verbalise, but what I do know is that while friendship is fine, there are always barriers that stop you from really knowing even the closest of friends. Take the other night, for example. I really wanted to tell you these things, and be honest about what I was feeling, but it is REALLY difficult, especially because I was pretty sure that I would get a knock-back. So, even though we're friends, there are things that I felt that I couldn't say. I wanted to tell you how much I love you... just like I tell you how beautiful your piano playing is... just like I want to tell you how much I like being around you... and how I want to tell you how you are probably the most important girl I have met in my life! (I know how the world works, by the way, and I never bullshit about these things, either - I mean it because I'd never say this lightly.)
But it's not the same being friends. Friendship isn't unconditional, and there is something you always have to keep back. When you are intimate with someone, you just don't have those barriers there anymore, y'know? It's easier to talk and be affectionate, and you just know each other on a different level. That's what I was saying the other night - once you know somebody like that, it's a shame that they don't want to remain friends, but I suppose I do understand it, really. It's not nice, though.
So, what happens now? I promised myself when you went away for the summer that when you got back I would make a special effort to make you mine!!! But as I say, I don't really think you see me in that way, which is a shame, but I can't make you see me like that, y'know? In a beautiful, pretty world, everything would be better now - you'd say that you felt the same way, and we would be so incredibly happy together. But the cynic inside me says that things like that don't happen (to me, anyway), so I just have to live with it. I have to walk in the same footsteps as those who went before me...etc...etc... I didn't want to fall into the trap of finding you this incredible, you know, but I mean, I was bound to sooner or later. What I can say, though, is that I do hope you are happy with our friend ***________, and I swear that if he appreciates you even a tiny amount of how much I would (say, 0.0063%) if we were going out together, then you'll be ok.
Just one thing, though. Can you reply to this message? Even if it's just one line acknowledging that you got it? It's horrible having to bear your soul on a scented piece of premium-quality, delicate-lilac sheet of Basildon Bond A5, because there is no reaction - good or bad, so it would be nice to hear something in response. Can you also have a think about what I've said? I'm a damned good catch, I'll have you know! Seriously, though, seeing you on Saturday was really lovely, and I really want to see you again as soon as possible. I won't give up on you, y'know! If it takes a year, then I'll wait a year, but why not give this crazy little thing a chance? But if you really want, I'll never mention this again, but please just have a think about it? Besides, it won't hurt to think about where things are with ***________-boy, so some good might come out of all of this - you might end up feeling that he's the one for you.
Phew!! Some letter, eh? Let it never be said that I'm cheap with words when it comes to expressing myself (1427 at the last count). There is more I could say: I could write another 10 000 words on what I like about you, if you want, but as it is, I think it is best to leave it there. If you want proof as to how sincere I am, tell me and I'll write another letter as long as this one, without using any of the same thoughts, describing why you are the bestest girlie of all time (ho ho). Actually, I'm serious... I could easily do it, so if you want another rambling, nonsensical letter like this, then I'm happy to provide one. Please don't reply, though, until you've had a chance to think about it. I can't stop thinking about you, so a few more days won't hurt me. Even if you don't make any decisions before NY, then that's OK with me. I'll be here when you get back. But, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable about all this, and I'm really sorry if you'd rather have avoided it, but I hope you understand why I had to say this, and it would be great if you still feel OK enough around me to know that you can give me a call when you are back, but let's exchange a few letters before you do NY?
Thanx for listening. Hope you are OK.
Love ****________xxx
P.S. I bet you weren't expecting a letter like that, eh? (1683 words at the end of this message - including this P.S. Not bad, eh?)
In case you were wondering, here is the reply:
Dear ****_________,
Firstly, thank you for your letter and thank you for being so honest with me. I am in a situation which unfortunately I have been in before (I told you on Saturday night). However, I don't want to lose you as a friend over something which can hopefully be overcome.
I do not want to sound condescending or patronising, as I have been accused of in the past, I think it's best just to tell you how I feel about everything. Although this will no doubt be brief and not written as eloquently as your own words, I do hope you understand. The most important thing in my life at the moment is ***________. I love him dearly and with him being my first boyfriend we have a special bond that I hope will never break. I would never want to jeopardise my relationship with him by unknowingly leading other people on. This is why, if we are to be friends, I have to tell you that nothing can ever happen between us. Reading this paragraph back sounds very hard and straightforward, but I am going to leave it in, because in all simplicity, that is how I feel.
I love spending time in your company, and would hope that we can still stay friends as I am sure we have a lot to offer each other as individuals. I know that this is probably not what you wanted to hear in my reply, but please remember that my current situation in life only permits me to give you this reply.
I am going to Brussels for the weekend on Friday, so I won't be checking my mail until Monday. Send me another letter to say that you are OK with all of this (or something along a similar line!).
Take care,
Love, *__________
Young Love, eh? Another dream smashed into the ground, despite the beautiful ravings of a man obsessed. The purpose of sharing these 'love' letters is to demonstrate the simple fact that no matter how exquisitely crafted the words of a person in love are, always have the following letter prepared in case of emergency (i.e. rejection):
Dear *___________...
In response to your recent reply, I think that you have gravely misunderstood my initial letter to you. I simply meant that you are a fat cow.
Sincerely,
****_____________
HBO
*The object of my desire.
**Two blokes who were also attracted to this girl.
***Her current boyfriend.
****The author of this article.
The rationale of writing such a letter (if there is one, of course), is to make the woman of your dreams aware that you have fallen for her 'Big Time'. There is little point in speculating what makes a love letter successful, other than to say that it should aim to combine the pure and emotional honesty of Mahatma Ghandi with the efficient, pen-pushing prowess of Jeffrey Archer. Under no circumstances should you ever confuse the two, by the way: Jeffrey Archer isn't 'pure' in any sense of the word, nor is he emotionally honest, come to think of it. But whereas Jeffrey frequently used his God-given lexical expertise to woo some of his street's most attractive females, Ghandi didn't. And for the purposes of this article, it is much more important to follow the quixotic example of Archer's exceptional dealings with this country's gentlewomen, rather than that set by an incoherent virgin wrapped in a blanket. Also, make sure that your letter follows a logical, but poetically fanciful path instead of having it read like the inarticulate ravings of a babbling psychotic. A typical format of a love letter might read like the example below, which was found amongst some personal belongings in an open grave in a Weston-Super-Mare cemetery:
Hi *________...
How are you? Hope you got back ok, yesterday! This is actually the fourth time I've started to write this letter, mainly because I wasn't happy with what I was saying and wanted to word it better, but also because the 'e' key stopped working for a while, and because 'e' is such an important letter, if I'd have carried on, the message probably wouldn't have made much sense.
But that's another story. What I really wanted to tell you is what I decided against saying on Saturday night. The reason for this... well there are a few reasons, in fact: Firstly, you started telling me about the 'problems' you'd had with various male friends, and it would have been a bit inappropriate after that, and, secondly, I just didn't want to embarrass you (or myself) so thought it would be better for you to read it, and just have a think about what I NEED to say. I need to be extremely honest as well, so please bear with me.
Before I came to Weston, one of the people who I worked with (Albert, who was about 50) told me a story about when he was a lot younger, he used to really fancy one of his sister's friends, but because she was a few years older than he was, he didn't have the courage to tell her how he felt - he used to see her EVERY day of his life for 5 years and always imagined what it would be like for him to be her boyfriend. He never told her how he felt, got married to someone else (and later divorced) and is now living with his second fiancé. A few years ago, he saw this woman again, who was also divorced and she told him that she had always liked him and was secretly hoping that he would ask her out. Because he hadn't, she reasoned that he didn't see her in that way.
There's little point in saying how much this thing had affected Albert, mainly because I don't know. He was happy, and didn't regret anything he had done, but he wondered ever since seeing her again, how different things might have turned out if he had told her when he had the chance. He told me that whatever I did in life, I should always be honest with myself and the people around me.
The reason why I have told you that, if it isn't already obvious, is that after the conversation we had about those guys (**_______ and **______) who had given you 'problems' as you put it, I couldn't really open up in the way I would have liked in case you saw me as giving you problems too. I think why you saw them as giving you those obstacles is that maybe they didn't really articulate well enough what they meant, so now I suppose it's my turn (and I hope I won't be remembered in the same way!).
When I look at you (as I did on Saturday night, and as I have done every time I see you) I swear to God that I just can't believe how incredibly beautiful you are. I genuinely haven't got a clue about whether you're aware of it, and I honestly didn't think that anyone on earth could be so much like an angel. When I saw you for the first time, I couldn't take my eyes of you, which really annoyed me at the time because I don't really like to think that I'm so influenced by looks. Anyway, now that I have got to know you better, I realise that I was right about you all the time - I can see why I was attracted to you so much: you are beautiful, intelligent, talented and really wonderful to be around.
I don't think that you feel the same way about me. In fact, I'd bet my life on it, but I just think it's really important to be honest about it because if I didn't, I swear I would look back on this, when I'm old and ragged and have about 24 hours to live, and regret this whole thing. It would be terrible to think about what could have been, and not being able to say anything would drive me mad! I don't want to end up like Albert.
I hope that you understand why I have to tell you how much I'm attracted to you. When I'm with you, it feels like you take my breath away, although I know that probably doesn't make sense to you. It's very difficult to verbalise, but what I do know is that while friendship is fine, there are always barriers that stop you from really knowing even the closest of friends. Take the other night, for example. I really wanted to tell you these things, and be honest about what I was feeling, but it is REALLY difficult, especially because I was pretty sure that I would get a knock-back. So, even though we're friends, there are things that I felt that I couldn't say. I wanted to tell you how much I love you... just like I tell you how beautiful your piano playing is... just like I want to tell you how much I like being around you... and how I want to tell you how you are probably the most important girl I have met in my life! (I know how the world works, by the way, and I never bullshit about these things, either - I mean it because I'd never say this lightly.)
But it's not the same being friends. Friendship isn't unconditional, and there is something you always have to keep back. When you are intimate with someone, you just don't have those barriers there anymore, y'know? It's easier to talk and be affectionate, and you just know each other on a different level. That's what I was saying the other night - once you know somebody like that, it's a shame that they don't want to remain friends, but I suppose I do understand it, really. It's not nice, though.
So, what happens now? I promised myself when you went away for the summer that when you got back I would make a special effort to make you mine!!! But as I say, I don't really think you see me in that way, which is a shame, but I can't make you see me like that, y'know? In a beautiful, pretty world, everything would be better now - you'd say that you felt the same way, and we would be so incredibly happy together. But the cynic inside me says that things like that don't happen (to me, anyway), so I just have to live with it. I have to walk in the same footsteps as those who went before me...etc...etc... I didn't want to fall into the trap of finding you this incredible, you know, but I mean, I was bound to sooner or later. What I can say, though, is that I do hope you are happy with our friend ***________, and I swear that if he appreciates you even a tiny amount of how much I would (say, 0.0063%) if we were going out together, then you'll be ok.
Just one thing, though. Can you reply to this message? Even if it's just one line acknowledging that you got it? It's horrible having to bear your soul on a scented piece of premium-quality, delicate-lilac sheet of Basildon Bond A5, because there is no reaction - good or bad, so it would be nice to hear something in response. Can you also have a think about what I've said? I'm a damned good catch, I'll have you know! Seriously, though, seeing you on Saturday was really lovely, and I really want to see you again as soon as possible. I won't give up on you, y'know! If it takes a year, then I'll wait a year, but why not give this crazy little thing a chance? But if you really want, I'll never mention this again, but please just have a think about it? Besides, it won't hurt to think about where things are with ***________-boy, so some good might come out of all of this - you might end up feeling that he's the one for you.
Phew!! Some letter, eh? Let it never be said that I'm cheap with words when it comes to expressing myself (1427 at the last count). There is more I could say: I could write another 10 000 words on what I like about you, if you want, but as it is, I think it is best to leave it there. If you want proof as to how sincere I am, tell me and I'll write another letter as long as this one, without using any of the same thoughts, describing why you are the bestest girlie of all time (ho ho). Actually, I'm serious... I could easily do it, so if you want another rambling, nonsensical letter like this, then I'm happy to provide one. Please don't reply, though, until you've had a chance to think about it. I can't stop thinking about you, so a few more days won't hurt me. Even if you don't make any decisions before NY, then that's OK with me. I'll be here when you get back. But, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable about all this, and I'm really sorry if you'd rather have avoided it, but I hope you understand why I had to say this, and it would be great if you still feel OK enough around me to know that you can give me a call when you are back, but let's exchange a few letters before you do NY?
Thanx for listening. Hope you are OK.
Love ****________xxx
P.S. I bet you weren't expecting a letter like that, eh? (1683 words at the end of this message - including this P.S. Not bad, eh?)
In case you were wondering, here is the reply:
Dear ****_________,
Firstly, thank you for your letter and thank you for being so honest with me. I am in a situation which unfortunately I have been in before (I told you on Saturday night). However, I don't want to lose you as a friend over something which can hopefully be overcome.
I do not want to sound condescending or patronising, as I have been accused of in the past, I think it's best just to tell you how I feel about everything. Although this will no doubt be brief and not written as eloquently as your own words, I do hope you understand. The most important thing in my life at the moment is ***________. I love him dearly and with him being my first boyfriend we have a special bond that I hope will never break. I would never want to jeopardise my relationship with him by unknowingly leading other people on. This is why, if we are to be friends, I have to tell you that nothing can ever happen between us. Reading this paragraph back sounds very hard and straightforward, but I am going to leave it in, because in all simplicity, that is how I feel.
I love spending time in your company, and would hope that we can still stay friends as I am sure we have a lot to offer each other as individuals. I know that this is probably not what you wanted to hear in my reply, but please remember that my current situation in life only permits me to give you this reply.
I am going to Brussels for the weekend on Friday, so I won't be checking my mail until Monday. Send me another letter to say that you are OK with all of this (or something along a similar line!).
Take care,
Love, *__________
Young Love, eh? Another dream smashed into the ground, despite the beautiful ravings of a man obsessed. The purpose of sharing these 'love' letters is to demonstrate the simple fact that no matter how exquisitely crafted the words of a person in love are, always have the following letter prepared in case of emergency (i.e. rejection):
Dear *___________...
In response to your recent reply, I think that you have gravely misunderstood my initial letter to you. I simply meant that you are a fat cow.
Sincerely,
****_____________
HBO
*The object of my desire.
**Two blokes who were also attracted to this girl.
***Her current boyfriend.
****The author of this article.
