h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I recently paid an all too brief visit to the land of mounties, Giant Redwoods and beavers and found it to be a resplendent place, if a tiny bit on the cold side. I take your point about the flatness of Hamilton (which, incidentally, is my surname), but I would have to argue that the flatness is nothing compared with that of East Anglia. Indeed, a brewery here in England takes great pride in the fact that East Anglia is a horizontal plane, with no bumps or humps to be seen for miles, and uses this to publish some witty advertisements involving mountain rescue. Just imagine what Holland could do.....

Even in Ontario, Hamilton's a non-starter in a flat race. It's much flatter to the south west, near the Windsor-Detroit border. That's tomato country, where ketchup is king.

Don't get me started on Holland. As a dwelling for someone whose favourite place is The Lake District, it scores pretty low. I mean, how could you have a real mountain in a country one-third of which is actually below sea level?

One thing, though: at least our lack of verticality is consistent with those around us. The citizens of Calgary have to live in a flat and windy wasteland, but there on the horizon is the shimmering promise of the Rockies, one of the most splendidly jagged places on Earth, teasing them.

A Calgarian is reputed to have remarked on the scenic wonder of the Rockies thus:

"The scenery's okay, I guess; but the mountains sure get in the way".

I live in East Anglia, and I hate going on bike rides 'cause the hilss are too steep!

Isn't there a special mountain bike made for the rigours of East Anglia?

Yeah, probably!

I wish the mountains would spoil my view of East Anglia

Actually, I get stressed out now if I can't see the horizin for long.
Have you ever looked directly above you at the stars in the night sky, when standing in an open space, and become so absorbed that when you straighten your head, and you don't see the horizon meeting you for a few precious split-seconds, you feel swept of your feet in the infinity of the stars.
It's an amazing feeling. Smile!

Wow, that's very poetic. Unfortunately, there are too many street lights in Stevenage

I didn't mean to be poetic.
I was just trying to share some deep feelings!
Try getting drunk and going to a field somewhere!

Often the best poetry comes from deep down inside you, where many of your emotions lie.
I can do the getting drunk bit, it's just the field bit that I find difficult. Still, the best night sky I've seen was out in the desert, in a Bedouin encampment. It was quite late, we had eaten, gone into town nearby to watch a scene showing something about deserts. There was a small number of us sitting down, staring at the night sky. It was beautiful. I can't really do it justice now, it was too long ago to remember properly.

All my deep poetic emotions seem to have been replaced by flatulence

Ahhh, one way to break a mood. Or wind come to that