The Social and Economic Effects of Tying Shoelaces Together
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
The Social and Economic Effects of Tying Shoelaces Together
by BigRedBall - the Useless UniversityReport commissioned for h2g2
©2001 BigRedBall and h2g2
Introduction
Throughout the ages, people have wondered what it is that makes empires great - what allows them to conquer entire continents with a single deft blow (though in some cases, several single deft blows). It is on this, and other associated matters which I aim to shed some light on this subject (although most sheds are, in fact, fairly dark).
Hypothesis
I will attempt to show in this paper that the least powerful people in societies, and indeed the least powerful and developed societies were so because they had their shoelaces tied together, sometimes by an enemy, sometimes through gross ignorance. They were thus unable to move independently and with efficiency and lost out consequently. Similar to the way in which a rock does not move independently and with efficiency.
The Physics of Shoelaces
Shoelaces come in two main types: woven nylon and cotton. Nylon shoelaces are ultra-strong, light, and can be made very thin, as discussed in reference IV. These laces, nicknamed the Michael Jackson of shoe fixtures (due to their plastic make-up). They are often used to torture prisoners of war, where the prisoner's shoes are tied together and s/he is forced to try to break-dance to the Hit Parade-featured song 'Stayin' Alive' by the popular music group The Beegees.
Cotton shoelaces, on the other hand, are much more forgiving when placed under torsional and lateral stress, but break more easily after this initial period of expansion. Cotton shoelaces have been shown to act with murderous intent on more than three occasions. According to a survey commissioned by the International Centre for Bipedal Garment Fixture Shareholders (ICBiGFiSh), this textile tendency towards violence accounts for more than 50% of all shoelace incidents - although many go unreported due to the shoe owners living in fear of retaliation from other laces.
Case Study One: Ancient Rome
Several leading archeologists have discovered Ancient Roman shoes on sites all around Europe. Quite where these archeologists are leading us remains a mystery.
To the writer's knowledge, no shoe has yet been found with laces tied together. Very few shoes have been found with laces at all, but that's not the point. Most Romans, as we all know, wore sandals, which prevented enemy cultures from tying their laces together. This, I suggest, may be why they were such a powerful race. The fact that other cultures at the time also did not generally wear shoes with laces either is also irrelevant.
Case Study Two: The Manor Murders, and the Wrath of the Shoelace
One of the most famous deaths in history, that of Miss Scarlet, a beautiful but ruthless young actress, is interesting in shoelace science. The woman was, for no apparent reason, in a large manor house with several other people representing a cross-section of upper middle class England in the 1930s. She was apparently killed with a rope. I believed that the infamous Rope may in fact have been a metaphor for a murderous shoelace. The only person to witness her death was the shoelace scientist, Professor Arnold B Plum.
For the purposes of this report, I contacted the Waddington's Games in search of the elusive Professor Plum, to discuss his experiences in the Cleudo manor. After several hours of intensive discussions with the company board (it was plywood, no less), I was allowed to submit questions about the Professor's experiences that fateful night in September 1991. The professor responded to my questions in textual form. No explanation was given to me as to why I could not meet the man in person.
Professor Plum recalls the night of the tragedy: "When we all got to the Library, she was already dead. All that was there was what looked like three large black cards on the floor - with a picture of a person with a strange neck, a curled-up rope and a schematic of a room. We never did find out what they were. I had been playing billiards in the billiard room, as one does, when I was awakened by a gunshot and two screams. I grabbed my revolver, just in case, and got out of bed and rushed out of the dining room into the Library. I dropped the lead pipe on the way - i had been using it before I left the Conservatory to peel potatoes. When I got into the Library, I was of course shocked at the sight of Miss Scarlet with her shoelaces tied together. She then grabbed the candlestick from me and whacked herself over the head with it. She was only stunned, but then she tripped and knocked her head on my dagger. She fell forward, that's where the bruises on her back came from. Oh, and I think she also fell on a large spanner wrench."
The Police officer at the scene of the accident, PC Kevin Morgan, countered this statement: "Why was the b****r asleep in the billiards room? How did he see her die if she was already dead when he got there? That story's got more holes than a tuna fish net - that's why we decided it was easier to just to pin it on the soldier bloke, you know, private ketchup or whatever he was called."
When faced with the suggestion that the shoelaces contributed to the death of the young lady, he deployed his pepper spray on this writer.
Conclusion
I can conclude from my findings in this report, that through my meticulous journalistic and scientific research, rock-solid evidence and testimony, and my general self-promotion, that tied together shoelaces are, in fact, responsible for World War Two, the sinking of the Titanic, and the creation of N*Sync. I have also disproved the controversial and unfounded reports from the United States Dangerous Shoelace Isolation Facility in Alaska that a shoelace, when formed into a knot, can also keep a shoe on an individual's foot. I will now attempt to eat my lunch.
Bibliography:
i. Common Shoelace Crimes (Jackman, 1998, Addison-Wesley publishers)ii. So They Were Supposed To Be Separate (Plato, unknown year)
iii. Over, Under, Make A Loop, Pass It Through (J. K. Henry, 1831)
iv. Don't Fray, My Friend (3M Material Sciences, Marketing Division, 1973)
With thanks to:
Dr. Gordon Blair, Institute for Hitting Things With Hammers Then Writing About It, for testing several brands of shoelaces.
Professor Plum, Cleudo Manor, for sharing painful memories in the name of science.
PC Kevin Morgan, lawsuit pending.
