Day 5; Third state and it is hot, D**nably hot. There is an extreme heat warning out apparently, which means you
should pack the dog in ice. So, what have I been up to?

Friday, 27th July.

Up at the crack of dawn and off to Heathrow, where absolutely nothing interesting happened at all.
However, the flight made up for it as my cattle class seat had a duff tv controller AND the head set wouldn't plug in. I
also couldn't sleep, so had to read for seven hours without moving. Nice. Arrived in Chicago to the world's quickest
immigration (they must have known I was a respectable member of society and learned to boot) which shot me out to
the arrivals hall, where I totally failed to recognise Kate. Luckily she spotted my Panama (ah trusty hats, is there
anything they can't do) and we set off to find Francis' house, north of Chicago.

After two hours of driving up and down Lake Cook Road, IL and passing through Glencoe at least twice we realised
that we had turned off the 'highway' some 20 miles early. After this it was a doddle to find Francis' house. A brief
introduction was made to her cats, and Dork Tower collection, before we went for dinner where, attempting to
purchase a bottle of cheap, fizzy lager pop I was asked for ID!!! The first time in, ooooo, six years I think.
However, I got over this, and we went to see Planet of the Apes ('D__n them, d__n them all to hell!') which has a
'shock' ending that will leave the picky amongst you peeved for months.

So, thirty hours after I had got up, I went to bed, to be woken two hours later by a cat trying to eat my finger.

Saturday 28th:

The Rennaisance Fair. This is a nine week long historical re-enactment of Elizabethan England in a field
in Wisconsin, which had too many Valkieries and Crecy archers for my aesthetic sense, but was a laugh. There were
also a couple of Crusaders!
Anyhoo, there were some fine costumes, boots I would kill people for, falconry demonstrations (where, for the second
one I have attended on the trot, the bird naffed off into the trees and refused to come back) and a professional
insultor. This was a man carrying a board saying 'Professional Insultor' who would insult people for money. Five dollars
was the base level, twenty could blister your ears. My 'friends' clubbed together fifteen dollars causing me to be
humiliated in the middle of a pub by this rogue who discussed, loudly and confidently, my lonely position in life and
exactly what I got up to when on my own. He has an astounding vocabulary when it comes to masturbation.

Sunday 29th:

Went to Chicago. Myself and Kate toured the Art Institute, including American Gothic and that diner
one Nightowls or Nightbirds or something. We also went up the John Hancock building to have a cocktail on the
95th floor. This led to a hither too unexperienced phenomenon for me, vertigo while drinking gin. A brief walking tour of
the main street was also conducted, including the river (an interesting shade of green), finishing with dinner in a
restaurant owned by Oprah Winfrey. Oh, and we got lost going back to Francis' again.

Monday 30th:

Morning in Chicago with a trip to the Polish American Museum (Kate's Gran was Polish) which is quite
easily the worst organised museum I have ever visited. Basically just a random selection of 'stuff' in no particular order
surrounding a shrine to the Pope.
After lunch we headed out of the city, paying a wopping one dollar forty a gallon on petrol (shock, and indeed horror),
and went south, to the mid-west (so I'm told) and Bloomington, Indiana, which is hot. I helped Kate move her stuff
into her new house, before sitting down to watch an Oscar winning movie, 'Breaking Away', set in Bloomington, which
I fell asleep in the middles of.

Tuesday 31st:

Hoovered Kate's old appartment which she is cleaning before handing the keys back. I love going on
holiday!

Munchkin

16.08.01. Front Page

Back Issue Page