h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Old Man - A87725893
Author: Effers; gone to earth. - U1508701

Title: Old Man


I'm going to submit this for the Alternative Writing Workshop.

I had though to post something more full on, aggressive and recent. But I changed my mind. I want to feel okay there first...so it's something very tame and safe to start with.

OLD MAN

Old man over revs

his car, reversing

Into tight parking spaces.

Turning round he turns

Their silly faces,

Burns their ears, never

Knowing consequences.



Bouncy dogs come

running round;

Deciding senses are fully found

In funny faces,

He finds their humour, recompenses.



Old man gone to ground,

Where he went is,

Not known.

Hi Effers, welcome to the AWW. I'm not good as a poetry crit, and I'm not even sure I understood your poem so I can't say a lot.
However, the two 'turns' here:

Turning round he turns

grate a bit. Since English is so rich in words, do you think you could find a synonym fro one of the turns?

I like this poem. It's got space in it. I think I can see this old man. He's enigmatic.

I would respectfully disagree about the 'turn' business.

For some reason, most h2g2 writers seem to be allergic to repetition as a rhetorical device. They hate 'etymological figures', as well. Whenever I use one, somebody says something.

But from where I sit, using 'turn' twice slows the reader down, makes him think.

Now, let's see what somebody else says about it.

Yes Dmitri. This is pretty much something very safe and really already finished..from my own view and reading to other poets and writers.

I wanted to start out with something to show what I can do in one way. A bit like a chef might show off their main skill at first to feel accepted..and then start risking and playing afterwards.

Of course repetition is the whole point for the rhythm and music of it...like in most poems

I'll post another thing tomorrow that is very different.

Oh and start reading other people's stuff and commenting.

It's a big step for me psychologically to do this.

I feel better already.

I told you I'm not good as a poetry crit. Maybe if I had understood what this was about, I'd have recognised the rhetoric.

I'll not say any more.

If you are not a poetry crit why comment when someone makes there first outing here?

And since when has poetry been about understanding what something is about?

It's the mystery and ambivalence that makes the magic. And repetition is a fundamental for the musicality of poetry.

I will leave coming back for another week if this is how it goes on something pretentiously describing itself as a 'writing site'..

I've immersed myself in reading poems all my life...no-one taught me or told me aside from school. It's a joy of my own.

But great you carry on Bel.

Well, there are at least three poetry-writing people around who will be glad to come along and notice this one.

I predict more poetry in , sometime down the line...

Thanks for this one, anyway. I agree about the mystery in verse. I think it should be there, because it opens a little door in the mind...

I'm unsubbing.

This is an utter waste of my time.

This is a workshop for writing. Someone posts a poem. Someone who says they are not a poetry crit immediately responds and says something that has nothing to do with poetry as repetition is a fundamental to do with the music and rhythm.

It's an utter joke.

Effers, don't go off. It's good to see poets in this place.

But, in a writing workshop you're going to get some criticism. If you're serious about writing at all, you need to look at critical comments, and see what, if anything, you can learn from them.

I suppose I can call myself a poet. But Bel was our esteemed editor, and kept hootoo going in the last days of the BBC ownership.

I like the first two stanzas of this poem. It creates a character for the old man - someone rather crochety and unpredictable, perhaps.
I don't mind the repetition of 'turns', especially as there is a rhyme with 'burns'. There is also an echo between 'Their silly faces' and 'In funny faces'.

I do, however think that the end could be strengthened. I agree that you need to maintain the air of mystery, but as it stands, the poem fizzles out rather.

Behave yourself, Effers! You submitted your poem to a workshop for people to say what they thought of it. Why fly off the handle when they tell you what they thought of it?

And if your poetry can't reach into the heart of a person who is not a poetry critic, then it is not good poetry.

its okay for me to have an opinion, right?

gnomon, your remark for effers to behave herself is condescending.

no wonder she reacts like she does when so many people are so ready to call her on stuff.

on this thread i definitely saw a lack of tact in bel's first posting

and her starting a thread elsewhere to get a group gathered to tell her she is okay and effers is not.... that is really clueless

others on this thread have been very sensitive and thoughtful with out being condescending
and have addressed the poem and how it works in a professional manner
i applaud them

Rubbish. Bel was offering honest advice on what she thought of the poem, since Effers had put it up for review.

Effers's response was totally unacceptable in my opinion. She should learn to behave in an online community.

omg gnomon can you hear yourself?
you are so ...parenting

and if you want to parent
perhaps you should address the others on here
who dont "behave"
i can give you a list

fluffy, bad behaviour on this site is driving good people away. People seem to think that because the BBC is no longer in charge, we can now say whatever we like.

We can't. The same rules about being polite to other researchers still apply. If you put something up for review and it is reviewed, it is rude to describe the system as a joke and to unsubscribe.

Bels needs to be told, as often as neccessary, as she seems to doubt it, that she is entitled to her opinion. And Effers needs to be told she must behave.

i am sorry gnomon
there are a number of folks here who do a lot of writing for the guide
and work really hard too

but that doesnt necessarily make them experts at human interaction

i dont care who says bels first remark wasnt harsh
i think it was
especially considering who it was addressed to
aaaaand concerning a poem
it was reckless

and your overreaction to effers' behaviour is scary
don't think for one moment that some of us havent noticed the little groups
that gather in threads and pump each other up about how they have to defend the site
vigilantes
making sure that the site is safe from... people they don't like
in the moderation thread
and elsewhere
gathering to agree to speak to someone when they misbehave
not waiting for moderation to take care of it
thats what happened with Lord Wolfden wasnt it?

gnomon if you so want to make sure folks behave
as i said
perhaps you should look elsewhere
there are some who REALLY misbehave

I haven't come across them.

It's true that Bel is a friend of mine. That's why I reassured her that her response was OK. She needed that reassurance.

But I didn't criticise Effers because she offended a friend of mine. I did it because her behaviour was unacceptable on the site.

I'm not in a clique. I'm just trying to get this site off the ground, out of the stagnant hole it has been in for the last 8 years or so.

The Lord Wolfden case was unfortunate.

The man was intolerable - I probably made more efforts than anybody else to be a friend to him, to get him to contribute in places where he would feel welcome and valuable. But no matter what you said to him, he just threw it back in your face.

His treatment by others on the site was disgraceful. Many people should have been banned over that.

>>
especially considering who it was addressed to
aaaaand concerning a poem
it was reckless<<

I did not say the author grates, but one aspect of the poem. It doesn't matter who wrote it.

But then you are entitled to your opinion. You are not entitled to accuse Gnomon of being cliquish because he calls somebody on bad behaviour.

okay here is a perfect example of sloppy thinking
gnomon is the one who mentioned not being in a clique
i never said he was in a clique
i realised he might have thot i said he was in a clique because he mentioned it
but i was trying to ease off here so the thread could be what its meant to be
for the poem discussion

what i said was that there are groups on hootoo
who gather to pump each other up
i never said he was in them
in fact, i was telling him about them
because i didnt think he knew about them
ergo... hes not in them

sorry if this is not nice

lets take a break huh