h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: an unhealthy habit? - A53377734
Author: Br. Robyn Hoode - now complete with freshly trimmed hair and a new dress - U6745717

Um, just a wee short story I put together. I've no idea if it's worth reading or not but figured I'll never know unless I put it out there.

ersonally I think I get way too hung up on describing things but I've tried to slim this down without losing impact. The story's not a masterpiece of an idea, but I hope it's interesting...

Any ideas, thoughts etc will be gratefully received. Try to explain though, I'd like to learn to be a better writer, rather than just how to take criticism

Quite right, too.

I've just read this three times. The description is really vivid.

But I must be stupid - I can't figure out what is happening.

Why is this woman feeling visceral pain? At first I thought you were doing the Stretcher, and describing labour pains. (We're supposed to be representing the opposite gender this time.)

Why is she leaving out the window? Who is screaming?

I'm not suggesting you should tell us that in the story - but if you told us here, maybe we'd know where to begin to help with the writing part of it.

Or maybe someone more perspicacious than I will get it, and explain it to me.

>>Wanting to be so close to it that it's unrelenting absoluteness will overwhelm her, it moves further away.<<

I think she's wanting to be close, right? So the shift to 'it' after the comma is confusing. Maybe 'She wants to be so close to it that its unrelenting absoluteness will overwhelm her. But it moves further away.'?

Hope some of this is helpful, and not just criticism.

I agree with Dmitri that the description is very vivid.

But I'm not sure what is happening either. An attempt at suicide? Anorexia?

Can you enlighten us?

Wow, thank you! I was thinking people wouldn't bother reading, even!

The comments about the 'it' are taken on board. It should be 'But...' I'll edit it shortly!

And, um, i'm not entirely sure what it's about. I think she's a serial murderer in quite extreme mental anguish.

I have this image of a young woman who has problems and wants to die but doesn't have the courage, so she tracks down other people (perhaps through the internet...) who are in similar situations and profess a wish to die and does it for them, like she wishes someone would for her. And every time she does, she lives through her own pain again, through them. And like a shoplifter, she gets the rush that follows of 'escaping' thus becoming a vicious cycle of extreme self-harm (adding to her own pain by taking lives even though she justifies it by her being a sort of angel of death, ending their suffering for them).

The screams come from returning parents discovering the victim, or the note.

I wanted to see if I could do a short story that lets you think, a snapshot that doesn't explain too much. Obviously it was a touch *too* unexplained!

Neat idea. And yes, that was a little bit too much left to the imagination.

And that's coming from me - according to everybody around here, the chief offender in that direction.

I think you'd need to work in two things: a body somewhere, doesn't have to be graphic, just clear that it's not moving. And an explanation for why, having caused this body to be there, this young woman is now convulsed in agony...

I think that and a hint of what was in the note would just about do it.

Maybe somebody else has a idea or two.

Ooh, this is fun! I was slightly scared but I like it

I'm away for the weekend but I'll work on it! thank you

Looking forward to the next draft.

It's good to hint, rather than spelling everything out. Lots of writers, especially new ones, do too much explaining.

I look forward to your new version.

I have done a lot of too much, so thought I'd go with the skeletal version.

Right, I'll get working on this as soon as I can

Right, I've thrown a few changes in... I need to give it a couple of days before I'll be objective enough to see whether it's worked or not for myself, so if anyone wants to comment it'll speed up the process!

Hope it works

Yes, I think this works better.

The mention of the body gives us an idea of what is going on. It is disturbing to be invited to identify with the anguish of a serial killer.

It's disturbing to realise how disturbing my thoughts can be.

Luckily I can differentiate between interesting fiction and chilling fact... I'm not a fan of horror or anything, it all upsets me too much not that you can tell from my invention I guess...