Beginners Guide to Towel Combat
Created | Updated May 2, 2006
Since the beginning of time, lifekind has required a means of dry itself quickly and efficiently. The towel, as clearly explained in many other Guide entries, has many, many vast and amazing properties. One form of towel weilding that is often over looked is Towel Combat, also known in some parts of the Galaxy as Towel-Fu. This entry will briefly explain some of the basics of self defence using nothing more than your towel.
Move 1 - Vogosphere Defence
This move requires you to have both arms out in front of you forming a V shape. Gripped in each hand is a corner of a tightly wound towel. The purpose of this move is to block attacks come from down upwards. It can be raised to block attacks coming from the sky. It got it's name from the great Nose-Whacking Mind Paddles of Vogosphere. This move is popular over there in order to defend against the Paddles.
Move 2 - Thorian Throw
This move is used with the smaller towels, preferable flannels. One corner is gripped with the thumb and forefinger, with the wrist and arm following along the edge of the towel. It is then thrown as one would throw a discus. As it flies it spins. This move is paricularly handy for blinding people or for covering security cameras or sensors or for confusing robots (see the Great Herring Sandwich Experiment). Its name was derived from the God Thor who was famous for throwing bolts of lightening at people for no adequetly explored reason. To the right is a rather nice image of the Thorian Throw in an ancient 42nd Century battle. Notice the look of terror on the face of the attacker as the towel flies towards him.Move 3 - Squornshellous Sheet Defence
The towel is held horizontally, with hands at the top corners. This creates a small shield that can be used to defend against fire, lasers or other towels. We recomend you upgrade your towel in order to with stand heavy firepower. This move is much easier if you are able to hold each corner of the towel with each of your four hands. If this option is not available to you then I recomend holding on to the top two corners.
Move 4 - Viltvodlian Flee
The towel is placed over the back of the head and hangs over the shoulders like a cloak. This move is useful when running away from a group of being who may open fire on you.
Move 5 - PraxiBetel Battle Charge
Your left arm is placed at your side and your right arm is raised in a Nazi-like salute. Hanging from your tightly gripped hand is a towel. The next step is to run at the enemy jabbering unnecessarily. When you arrive at your enemy you may execute Move 6. This move was particularly favoured by the great Towelling Monk Tribes of Beetlegeuse Seven.
Move 6 - Basic Towelling Slash
The weilding arm is placed behind the back, over the shoulder. It is then brought swiftly back across the shoulder and across the the opposite hip. The towel should follow and slash through the air as it does. This is a very good and basic attack. The example shows the basic form, but it can be built upon and personalised so that you feel comfortable performing it.
Move 7 - Beetlegusian Wild Charge
Very similar to the Praxibetel Battle Charge apart from in this variation, the towel is swung around the head like a lassoo. Move 6 often follows.
Move 8 - Megabrantian Whip
This starts off looking very much like the Vogosphere Defence apart from one of the arms is set back so the towel is at right angles to your torso. The hand nearest your chest lets go and the other hand is whipped forwards. For best effect the towel must be taught. When it is released, the towel whips out in front of you. This is handy if you don't want to get to close to your opponent.
Move 9 - Dentrassi Disarm Attack
The weilding arm is held at the critical angle between the leg and the shoulders. This is then swiftly brought up to the inverse position over the opposite shoulder. The tip of the towel moves at high speed and is useful for knocking small hand held weapons out of the hands of an attacker. NB. cannot be used against other towels.
Move 10 - Brockian Pass
This move was inspired by the role of the audience in Brockian Ultra-Cricket. A spectator or passer by may throw their towel to a person in need. this is done with a swift upwards motion of the wrist. The towel is released at a certain height to ensure the towel flys through the air. The person recieving the towel may wave their arms about in some cool fashion to make people think they are doing something cool where as it is a bog-standard throw.
Move 11 - Bugblatter Defence
This move works only against the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal or the Drugged-Up Chavs of Earth as no other race is stupid enough to fall for it. It consists of wrapping the towel around your head. For more info, search for the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
Move 12 - Hytyrag Trip Move
This move was cleverly thought up by Tom Official CACer. This is the basis behind the move. In order to successfully pull off this move you will need a fairly large towel, preferably with a large diagonal length. This needs to be wound into a long cable, in order to make it as long as possible hold it first at the diagonal corners. Then spin the rest of the towel around the newly created axis between the corners. Each if these ends are tied to the bottom of two trees. You can then chase a passer by or enemy into your carefully laid trap and watch them fall over. If your towel isn't large enough (shame on you) then more than one towels can be tied together to make a chain of towels. Thanks to Tom for that move.
Move 13 - The Eccentrica-Galumbit Gambit
Using your towel like a whip to grab an appendage to trip or hold an enemy.
She apparently created the move after some zarking deadbeat tried leaving his bath without paying for her services. Afterwards, the gentleman was said to have formed and intense fear of ever leaving the bath. This move was introduced to me by FordsTowel.
Move 14 - The Gag Halfront Gag Maneuver
This move consists of forcing the towel into the opponents mouth; dangerous because it must be performed close up, but very satisfying if they've had the audacity to make you dirty your towel. This was also by FordsTowel.
Move 15 - Towel-Chuks
Best used with two smaller towels tied together at a corner, but a larger towel can be similarly used. One end is held, tucked under the wielding fist's arm. As the distance closes between you, the towel is snapped forward with great force. This can put out a visual receptor or, at least, cause massive flinching and a possible opening for a more devastating move.
Or, the towel can be held by two fists at opposite corners, wrapped around your back, and whipped forward with either left or right hand, giving the opponent two directions to defend against. Once again, the work of FordsTowel.
Move 16 - The Great Prophet Zarquon, White-Hankie Maneuver
When behind your enemy, the towel is grabbed at opposite corners and wrapped around the enemy's neck. The towel ends are gripped in both hands as you turn your back to your opponent's back, and they are lifted off the ground by pulling the towel over your shoulder and leaning forward. More good stuff from that hoopy frood FordsTowel.
Move 17 - The Pan Galactic Towel Blaster
This move is particularly dangerous for both the wielder and the opponent. It has only successfully been used once, at a very bad party. One end of the towel was dunked into a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster (THE best alcoholic drink in the known galaxy - look it up) giving the wielder several possibilities. The towel could be used with even deadlier effect, because of the caustic nature of the liquid. The towel could be wielded against the opponents more sensitive areas, lit on fire and used to transfer the ignited liquid to the opponent, or - failing in the self-defense effort - rapidly sucked dry so that the wielder would no longer care what was happening to them. How does FordsTowel come up with these?
Move 18 - Heart Of Gold Strike
This is not, precisely, a towel-only technique. It consists of placing anything chunky and solid into the towel while grasping the opposite ends. Swung forcefully, this technique has been known to displace skulls or limbs from opponents. [the people of the forest regions, who live in oglanut trees between the warriors of the mountains and the warriors of the plains call this move the ***-buster ... - Hmmm; censors. - shell-buster.] Forty-two guesses at who thought of this? I'll give you a clue: It starts with "F" and ends with "ordsTowel".
Move 19 - Hytyrag Slip Move
This move is very similar to the Hytyrag Trip move apart from there is a slight difference. This move is much easier with a larger towel. Place the towel in front of a doorway. Hide next to the door. Wait for a person to walk through the doorway. When they step on the towel, whip it from under their feet and watch them fall. If you can work out the angle and trajectory then you can send him flying in the direction that you desire, preferably sending him into a large spiky thing or into other enemies.
Move 20 - Alpha-Centurian Plague
Very similar to the Heart of Gold Strike. In order to do this you will need a small diseased furry thing from Alpha Centuri. Make the towel into a type of cradel. Place the Alpha-Centurian in it and swing in around rapidly. Let it fly loose into the enemy. The purpose of this move is to try and hit their water supply. All you have to do then is baracade the doors of the compound you are trying to seige with towels and they'll give up eventually.
Move 21 - Mr Flibble Fake
Drape the towel over your hand and make a rudimentary glove puppet. Then hide behind a rock and have the puppet looking over the top of the rock. Just as someone approaches it and says "Aww what a cute little thing" leap upwards and punch them in the face with your fist wrapped up with the towel.
Move 22 - The Herring Sandwich Feint
Only useful against the extremely polite and well-bred, this feint involves dropping one's towel, and either striking or running away (very fast) whilst they stop to pick it up and offer it back to you. Ideally, this technique could also be used repeatedly, as long as necessary; or, to guide the opponent to the edge of a nearby cliff or building roof - the last towel would be dropped over the edge. Another FordsTowel move there.
Move 23 - Jifid Distraction
The jiffid are a race of pan dimental cats, they can be easliy distracted by the towel being used as toy, by bobbing a towel up and down the jiffid become almost hypotised by the action. Note this can go on for years. The record is 30045 year, it stopped when the hitchiker who was trying to distract the jifid discorved he was a pan dimental dog. This move is by Tom Official CACer.
Move 24 - Jozxyqk Swipe
Jozxyqk is the word used by the Felix Sapiens to describe the pain when you get one of your sexual organs trapped in something. In order to execute this move it requires two people (not including gaseous lifeforms). One person distracts the victim by standing in front of him and exchanging pleasant conversation. The other sneaks behind the victim and whips the towel up under the victims crotch. The person facing the victim grabs the other end and they both yank the towel upwards causing great pain and a cry of "jozxyqk!".
Move 25 - The Perfectly Normal Beast Defense
Many species have an uncommon tendency to rush sudden movements. The savvy towel wielder, in these situations, merely flutters the towel while holding it where the opponent can see it; but, is holding it up against a solid wall or hard and secured object like a post, tree, or rockface. The result is a satisfying crunch when opponent hits the now-unmovable towel.
Move 26 - The Brute-Assist Attack
Similarly, if you find yourself between your opponent and such a species as mentioned in the Perfectly Normal Beast Defense, the towel can be held up and used to induced a charge through the towel toward the partially obscured oponent.
Move 27 - The Alpha Centuri Allegen Express
If the one you are fighting against has a known liquid allergy, the towel can be soaked in the allergen to add to its potency. This move was thought by "midge tmogget, ship's cat, Artemis II, thursdayite, Keeper of irrational fandoms. Attemping to keep peace." I once had a cousin called that as well.
Move 28 - Beware of the Leopard Attack
The towel is covered with spots, shaped like large eyes. It is distracting to any race brave enough to fight, by forcing them to try to look you in the eyes (all of them) at once, confusing to other races, and you've concealed a live leopard behind the towel. By FordsTowel.
Move 29 - The Trained Killer Towel Attack
This attack is psychological in nature. It helps best if you are just about to resort to using your towel, or if every time you have used the towel you've shouted something like "Towel, bite!" or "Towel, kill!".
You take a step back and compress as much of the towel into one hand as can be held. The natural, if slight, springiness that develops is used as you hold the towel toward the opponent, release the towel with only wrist flick propulsion and let the towel spring from your hand while screaming all the louder, "Towel, (release here) Attack!!"
The unexpected sight of the towel seeming to actually spring from your hand causes enough confusion to allow other fight or flight actions. The towel may be irretrievable (or irretrievably dirty) afterwards, so best have a spare. Another from FordsTowel.
Move 30 - Cryogenic Crunch
Immerse towel in liquid. Take towel out of liquid. Take towel into cooler environement. Liquid freezes. Throw towel at assailant/opponent/target.
Move 31 - Halfront's Hypnosis
Dangle the end of your towel in front of your assailant/opponent/target's sight organs, chanting "You are feeling sleepy, you are feeling sleepy...". They should go into a dozing state, with their mouth wide open and drooling, during which you can perform The Gag Halfront Gag Maneuver, or if you have an accomplice sneaking up behind them, pretty much anything you like. Another by the mighty midge.
Move 32 - The Wikkit Waft
Hold your towel by two corners, so that your hands are shoulder-width apart and the towel is tense. It may be nessescary to fold the towel to accomplish this. Flick upwards. The towel should propel a large barrage of the local atmosphere ahead of you.
This could be enough when dealing with a gaseous being, but this move really comes ito its own when dealing with some form of chemical warefare, as it can propel the chemicals back to their originator. It may be safer if another towel is wrapped around the entry to the breathing organs. The work of midge yet again.
Move 33 - "Thanks for all the Fish" Attack
The 'Thanks for all the fish' attack involves preparing your towel by attaching fish hooks around one corner. Those who have used this attack report they are hooked on it (or, ... was that hooked BY it?). By FordsTowel.
Move 34 - "Thanks, I'll Have the Fish" Attack
The 'Thanks, I'll have the fish' attack involves preparing your towel by attaching fish hooks around one corner, and attaching fish to the hooks. This attack is not as painful as the 'Thanks for all the fish', but it is more humiliating to the opponent and, if you find yourself losing the battle, the fish can be used as banana peels or a votive offering.
Move 35 - The Very Small Bomb Feint
The towel-armed combatant can often catch a breather from all this towel swinging and snapping by holding the towel up against their clothing. Reach under some piece of clothing and bring it out, under the towel, with a fist opened as if it contained something the size of, oh say, a cricket ball.
Keep the towel tightly covering the fist and proclaim: 'I have a very small bomb here. It is light sensitive and will readily go off in (look briefly around) in about this much light. The only thing protecting you from the bomb is my towel.' The bluff may win the day and the surrender of the opponent, or allow the towel-wielder to back out of more fighting. It will at least win a brief respite for the winded toweler. By FordsTowel.
Move 36 - Floating Towel, Hidden Fist
Wave the towel, in a mystical fashion, by both corners along its length (presuming your arms are long enough). Snap out your arms to tighten the towel and raise it above eye level (theirs, more importantly than yours) while chanting, 'Float ... float ... float!'
Release both corners with a slight rising motion (to increase hang time), astonishing the opponent by its momentarily anti-gravitic appearance. In that same motion, draw back your hands, form two deadly fists, and punch straight through the towel while stepping forward.
The idea being, of course, to punch the opponent with both fists before the realise that the towel is starting to fall. You catch them unawares because many beings are under the impression that, 'if you can't see them, you can't hit them' which is only occasionally true. FordsTowel.
Move 37 - Smoke Screen
As most towels are at least partially damp, most of the time, any nearby fire may give you opportunity to escape. First, you can throw the towel over the top of the said fire to make your escape over it; and second, by picking the towel back up making the chase more hazaradous.
Then, if you can add yet another layer of confusion to the situation, use the idea of a smoking towel to create a smoke screen, confusing enough to aid your escape; or, failing that, to throw the still smoking towel over the sensory organs of your opponent, escape must almost certainly be come possible. By FordsTowel.
Move 38 - Hotblack Desiato Solar Burn
This move requires deftness and speed, quite beyond that of a mere beginner (unless you happen to be Jatravartid), but worth practicing and learning. Whip the towel around your opponent's nearest limb, Step in toward your victim to grab the other end as it comes around. Now, swiftly and with pressure, alternate pulling on each end creating a 'sawing' effect. This will abrade your opponents dermal layers causing great pain, sometimes to bleeding, and occasionally (if you are Jatravartid) taking the skinny thing right off. FordsTowel.
Move 39 - Probability Jump
This manouvre is designed to confuse your opponent. This manouvre also requires either a portable Infinite Improbability Drive, a well trained Babel Fish or some other form of teleportation device. All you have to do is hold the towel in front of you, wiggle it a bit and then disappear using whatever means required. The towel will fall to the ground revealing the fact that you have disappeared. In their puzzlement they will not notice you appearing just behind them and hitting them round the head with a large blunt object or a towel.
Move 40 - Brain Block
This manouvre was used by soldiers in the Kakrafoonian Turf War. The soldiers would line their helmets with an extra thick towel. The advantage of this was that the enemy's Babel Fishes could not pick up their unconcsious frequencies from the speech centres of the brain. This way the commanders could issue commands and messages could be sent with no trouble of the enemy over hearing their tactics. Unfortunatly Psychi-Towels are in short supply. A desperate Hitchhiker may be able to pick one up from the Abandonded Minefields of Kakrafoon Kappa.
Move 41 - Drying
If in the battle you happen to get wet you have the upper hand by being able to dry yourself. In the early days of Towel engineering, towels were used solely for this purpose. In these more enlightened times however we can fully appreciate our towelling friend.
Move 42 - IMPROVISE!
Towels are so magnificent that even we cannot name all its functions. The Towel is not there as a tool that one has to master. The Towel is there to help you. A true towel weilding hitchhiker should understand the principals of not panicking and improvising, whether this be an important decision (such as throwing one's self out of a window to avoid death by other means) or a trivial one. When battling just go with the flow. Hope fully the other 41 moves will aid you. When you have a thumb and a towel by your side the WSOGMM (Whole Sort Of General Mish Mash e.g. Time, Space and Reality) is your play ground.
Additional Moves
Although the Guide to Towel Combat has now come to an end there are infinite combinations of moves out there. If anyone has any additional manouvres out there that you feel need mentioning please contact me and they shall be left here.
The Infinity Defence
Requires a medium-sized towel. Larger ones may be too heavy. The towel is held by the corner in one or two hands, and moved quickly in a sideways figure-of-eight pattern before the head and torso. Prevents the opponent from approaching too closely, and also prevents many attacks from connecting.
The Eight Defence
Similar to the Infinity Defense, but the towel is swung in a vertical pattern, first around the head then in front of the body. Requires speed and caution, but is useful against tall assailants.
The Clover Defence
A difficult move requiring skill and practice. The towel is swung in a combination of the Eight and Infinity patterns: round the head, in front of the body, to the left, to the right, around the head again. It is important that the towel move in a series of circles in order that speed may be conserved. Simply flicking the towel will not do.
These moves vary in difficulty - the Clover particularly is not a move for beginners because they will strangle themselves. They are however very useful for preventing the attacker from injuring or even seeing you clearly, and will let you stand still for a bit.
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