World War Two
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
World War Two was really World War One - the sequel. A chap called Hitler was a trifle upset about the outcome of the First World War. He wrote a book called "Mein Kramp" whilst in hospital suffering from a sports injury, and the entire population of Germany bought a copy and used it to prop up their wobbly sideboards. Hitler became the German chancellor (though strangely he was never seen holding aloft a decrepit red briefcase) after killing some people and burning down a building, and he decided that the German Army (consisting of twelve former postmen and an Alsatian called Nigel) wasn't big enough. Soon the Germans had a formidable army, navy and air force, and started bullying their neighbours in order to obtain "Lebensraum" (which means "a living room"). If German architects had designed houses with living rooms already in them, the whole war might never have happened. But I digress. After the Rhineland, Austria, and most of Czechoslovakia disappeared, Hitler attacked Poland, and the French and British had jolly well had enough of his antics, d'you hear! After the Poles discovered that horsed cavalry wasn't much use against tanks, they gave up. The Danes and Norwegians soon followed, and the French, Belgians and Dutch couldn't hack it either, so the British swam home or caught lifts from passing rubber dingies.
Soon, British pilots were shooting German pilots out of the sky, to shouts of "tally-ho". The Germans had a plan called operation Seelowe (which means sealion), for invading Britain. They intended to put ashore at Bexhill-on-Sea and crush the British Army once and for all in the Battle of Tunbridge Wells, but they found out that Spike Milligan was stationed in Bexhill, and so the plan was thwarted. The Germans decided to attack the Russians instead. They knew that even Spike Milligan couldn't be in two places at once!
Meanwhile, in Italy, a chap called Mussolini decided that discretion was the better part of valour, and didn't declare war on the French until the Germans had already beaten them. Even then, the Italian invasion of France (yes, it did happen) got held up by two onion sellers and a donkey called Xavier. Mussolini tried to expand his Empire by attacking Greece, but the Greeks threw bottles of olive oil, and the Italians ran away. Then he tried Ethiopia, but the Ethiopian Army (famous for their goat-drawn artillery) put a stop to that, helped by Orde Wingate (of whom more later), and an Austin Seven fitted with a Lewis gun. In the deserts of Egypt and Libya, a British Army of 30,000 led by O'Connor gave a 400,000 strong Italian Army a jolly good thrashing. Mussolini was becoming an unfunny joke, so Hitler intervened, and five minutes later had overrun Yugoslavia and Greece, and pushed the British back to the outskirts of Cairo.
By this time, the Americans had entered the war. Churchill had tried to get them to join in by offering them a bag of sweets, but they were dead against until the Japanese destroyed their Pacific Fleet in a surprise attack at Pearl Harbour. The Americans were miffed that the Japanese hadn't had the courtesy to warn them. The Japanese apologised - there had been an administrative error. The Japanese soon kicked the Americans out of the Phillipines, the Dutch out of Indonesia, and the British out of Hong Kong, Malaya, Singapore and Burma. Quite a good result, really. But then things started to go wrong (for the Germans, Italians and Japanese, that is).
On the face of it, involving the Americans was, how shall we put it...a mistake. Another administrative error, perhaps. But because the Americans had imposed economic sanctions (ring any bells?) against Japan because of the way the Japanese were treating their neighbours, the Chinese, the Japanese had little alternative. Hitler has effectively cooked his goose already by invading Russia, because it was jolly cold there in winter, and the Germans didn't have decent overcoats.
In late 1942, the Russians attacked at Stalingrad. The Romanian army ran like the devil, and the Germans found they were surrounded. Oops. At around the same time, a chap with a silly hat called Montgomery (the chap was called Montgomery, not the hat) kept bombarding the Germans and Italians at a place called Alamein. Finally, they couldn't take it any more, and cleared off as fast as their three remaining tanks could carry them. Hurrah!
The Americans and British landed in North Africa in Operation Torch. Their enemies, the Vichy French, welcomed them with open arms and gave them cigarrettes and wine. In return, the British blew up the French fleet (basically Hitler had only occupied part of France for several years, the rest of France had decided it better be all chummy with him).
In Burma, Orde Wingate's "Chindits" went for a long walk in the jungle, shooting any Japanese fellows they happened upon. Gosh, they were a nuisance. In New Guinea, the Australians and Americans were busy convincing the natives that they were Gods, and taking all sorts of liberties with the Pygmy women.
Soon, the British and Americans invaded Sicily and Italy. The Italians decided that now would be a good time to change sides. For the next two years, the allies had the devil of a job trying to get German chaps down from the tops of mountains. In the meantime, D-Day occurred. British, American, and Canadian troops landed in France, and soon the Germans were retreating. Then there was a Bridge Too Far, with Anthony Hopkins having a nasty time in someone's house at the end of a big bridge thingy. Attacked from both sides, the Germans could resist no longer. Hitler shot himself, his wife and his pet alsatian (though probably not in that order). Or did he escape to South America and become managing director of Fray Bentos? I can't remember..it was found that for years the nazis had been murdering my people, the jews, which wasn't very nice of them.
In the pacific, the Japanese were having their backsides kicked on all fronts, but we decided it would be a good idea to drop nuclear bombs on them anyway. And we did. And that was it really. Until the next time..
Soon, British pilots were shooting German pilots out of the sky, to shouts of "tally-ho". The Germans had a plan called operation Seelowe (which means sealion), for invading Britain. They intended to put ashore at Bexhill-on-Sea and crush the British Army once and for all in the Battle of Tunbridge Wells, but they found out that Spike Milligan was stationed in Bexhill, and so the plan was thwarted. The Germans decided to attack the Russians instead. They knew that even Spike Milligan couldn't be in two places at once!
Meanwhile, in Italy, a chap called Mussolini decided that discretion was the better part of valour, and didn't declare war on the French until the Germans had already beaten them. Even then, the Italian invasion of France (yes, it did happen) got held up by two onion sellers and a donkey called Xavier. Mussolini tried to expand his Empire by attacking Greece, but the Greeks threw bottles of olive oil, and the Italians ran away. Then he tried Ethiopia, but the Ethiopian Army (famous for their goat-drawn artillery) put a stop to that, helped by Orde Wingate (of whom more later), and an Austin Seven fitted with a Lewis gun. In the deserts of Egypt and Libya, a British Army of 30,000 led by O'Connor gave a 400,000 strong Italian Army a jolly good thrashing. Mussolini was becoming an unfunny joke, so Hitler intervened, and five minutes later had overrun Yugoslavia and Greece, and pushed the British back to the outskirts of Cairo.
By this time, the Americans had entered the war. Churchill had tried to get them to join in by offering them a bag of sweets, but they were dead against until the Japanese destroyed their Pacific Fleet in a surprise attack at Pearl Harbour. The Americans were miffed that the Japanese hadn't had the courtesy to warn them. The Japanese apologised - there had been an administrative error. The Japanese soon kicked the Americans out of the Phillipines, the Dutch out of Indonesia, and the British out of Hong Kong, Malaya, Singapore and Burma. Quite a good result, really. But then things started to go wrong (for the Germans, Italians and Japanese, that is).
On the face of it, involving the Americans was, how shall we put it...a mistake. Another administrative error, perhaps. But because the Americans had imposed economic sanctions (ring any bells?) against Japan because of the way the Japanese were treating their neighbours, the Chinese, the Japanese had little alternative. Hitler has effectively cooked his goose already by invading Russia, because it was jolly cold there in winter, and the Germans didn't have decent overcoats.
In late 1942, the Russians attacked at Stalingrad. The Romanian army ran like the devil, and the Germans found they were surrounded. Oops. At around the same time, a chap with a silly hat called Montgomery (the chap was called Montgomery, not the hat) kept bombarding the Germans and Italians at a place called Alamein. Finally, they couldn't take it any more, and cleared off as fast as their three remaining tanks could carry them. Hurrah!
The Americans and British landed in North Africa in Operation Torch. Their enemies, the Vichy French, welcomed them with open arms and gave them cigarrettes and wine. In return, the British blew up the French fleet (basically Hitler had only occupied part of France for several years, the rest of France had decided it better be all chummy with him).
In Burma, Orde Wingate's "Chindits" went for a long walk in the jungle, shooting any Japanese fellows they happened upon. Gosh, they were a nuisance. In New Guinea, the Australians and Americans were busy convincing the natives that they were Gods, and taking all sorts of liberties with the Pygmy women.
Soon, the British and Americans invaded Sicily and Italy. The Italians decided that now would be a good time to change sides. For the next two years, the allies had the devil of a job trying to get German chaps down from the tops of mountains. In the meantime, D-Day occurred. British, American, and Canadian troops landed in France, and soon the Germans were retreating. Then there was a Bridge Too Far, with Anthony Hopkins having a nasty time in someone's house at the end of a big bridge thingy. Attacked from both sides, the Germans could resist no longer. Hitler shot himself, his wife and his pet alsatian (though probably not in that order). Or did he escape to South America and become managing director of Fray Bentos? I can't remember..it was found that for years the nazis had been murdering my people, the jews, which wasn't very nice of them.
In the pacific, the Japanese were having their backsides kicked on all fronts, but we decided it would be a good idea to drop nuclear bombs on them anyway. And we did. And that was it really. Until the next time..
