If I could offer you only one tip for the future, shorts would be it. The long-term benefits of shorts have not been proved, except by the brownness of my legs. The rest of my waffling is the standard deluded rantings of a mad man. I shall begin ....

Learn to use computers - they are the future, you never know when they'll come in useful. Some of the most intelligent people I know still can't send an email.

Smile. People will think you know something they don't.

Have a good word to say about everybody. Take your time to choose that word - it's got to be applied to a whole bunch of different people.

Never wear a watch. Many new friends can be made by having to ask for the time every day.

Use made up statistics to win arguments with friends.

Play the guitar. Don't worry if you never took lessons, music is in the ear of the beholder.

Enjoy paying your taxes. Before you grumble take the time to think of all the road, hospital and education problems your government is spending them on.

Know that 88.6% of all statistics are made up.

Listen to your old records. Realise that old music is just as bad as new music. You'd just forgotten how bad it was.

Regularly speak only in song and film titles.

Imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try.

Give old clothes to charity.

Learn to lose at Trivial Pursuit. When your friends think you're dumb they'll stop asking you to do things for them.

Boast.

Avoid sports. How many people break legs watching television or get tennis elbow drinking down the pub. Take the healthier option.

Learn to write left handed. You never know when you might lose an arm in an accident at the local sawmill.

Don't explain yourself.

Learn to write with your feet. You never know when you might lose that other arm in a blender accident.

Have a silly message on your answering machine. Play music or sing a song, put on a funny voice. But don't make it too long or your friends will never wait around to leave a message.

Make friends with the people at junk mail companies. They'll send you lots of mail.

Enjoy the music of Baz Luhrman.

Recycle old ideas that were popular at the turn of the last millennium and pass them off as your own.

Give credit where credit's due, except when you recycle old popular ideas.

Listen to your inner voice until the batteries run down. Then sleep.

But most of all wear shorts.