h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A gentleman and I were on our first date. We had a lovely day at the Antiquarian Book Fair (doesn't every girl dream of going to an Antiquarian Book Fair on a first date????) and, being peckish, retired to a restaurant for late lunch (or early dinner?).

As we took our seats, I looked at my date. On his forehead was a blob of what looked like oatmeal. Knowing we had spent an entire day utterly oatmeal-free, I wondered what this oatmeal-like substance was.... Then I wondered "What is the etiquette regarding blobs of oatmeal-like material on one's date's forehead?" Certainly, this was not covered in Emily Post.

What to do, what to do... If I DIDN't inform him of "The Blob", and later looked in the mirror, he would be horrified and embarassed. If I told him now, he would be horrified and embarrased. I also had to consider my comfort-level at sitting through an entire meal with a date who had a blob of oatmeal on his forehead, not to mention what the server might think at seeing me sitting there with a date who had a blob of what looked like oatmeal on his head...... My head was spinning.....

I finally decided to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and inform him.

But how?????

"See here, I don't date men who smear oatmeal on their head!!!"... too confrontational, and I didn't know he smeared it there deliberately. Besides, if it was some unusual religious practice, I would could insult his religion and incur the wrath of his fellow adherents.... Same with "For God's sake... Don't you wash????"

"OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT DISGUSTING THING ON YOUR FOREHEAD?????". Again, this could be embarrasing for him, and draw the attention of other diners.

I wondered about not actually saying anything and simply staring in horror at the offending blob.... or perhaps blinking and nodding my head in a manner which would indicate I was trying to alert him to something about his appearance which would, in turn, slip off to the loo to see what it might be. Non-confrontational, and yet.... If he wasn't very intuitive he might think I had some sort of tic, or even Tourette's Syndrome.....

Finally I decided upon the straight forward... "Errrrmmmm. You have what looks like oatmeal stuck to your forehead..."

His hand shot to his forehead and when he found "The Blob", said "F***ing birdsh*t!" and ran off to the loo to wash it off.

The "date" in question later became my husband and we are now divorced.

I should tell you, too, that on one fateful winter night, I had been at a party. As my girlfriend and I arrived, one party-goer (unknown to me), in the process of leaving the party due to over-imbibing, oozed up the hallway, lay on the floor and proceded to try on all the boots in the closet before finding his.

I turned to my friend and said "Now, THERE, is the man I am going to marry!" and we both collapsed in laughter. (Remember, I had never seen the drunk before in my life.)

My friend reminded me of this event on my wedding day. The sodden partygoer was the self-same bird-crap date, and now ex-husband.

Now, I have a couple of questions.... Is being crapped on by a bird a bad omen? Was it the bird-crap, or was it the offhand comment about the drunk being "the man I am going to marry" that doomed me?