How to Survive Global Nuclear Fallout
Created | Updated May 27, 2003
Humans as a species tend to be ironically and counter-intuitively self-destructive. Take for instance the depleting o-zone, disappearing rainforests, pollution of the oceans, CPU manufacturing and finally, and most pertinently the invention of the hydrogen bomb.
The hydrogen bomb used to be only in the hands of the most powerful countries in a sort of Mutually Assured Destruction (M.A.D.) Everyone (in the US atleast)thought the Russians as an "Evil Empire" bent on the collapse of the United States and that the only thing stopping them was the whole MAD hoopla. This is only a half truth.
The Russians (or more appropriately the Russian bureaucrasy, as the Russian people were busy looking for food)were not dumb; they knew the consequences of nuclear fallout as much as the Americans. If anything, the US would have been the first to use a nuke.
Nowadays we have a false, overwhelmingly wide spread sense of security. Times have changed and the risk for nuclear war is far greater, far far greater. Radical third world countries are more interested in bombing their neighbor to bits than a nation several thousand miles away. I predict that this trend will continue to the point of every apartment tenant from here to Cheng Du having a small nuclear arsenal pointed at his upstair neighbor.
In any case here are a few tips on "How to Survive Global Nuclear Fallout":
1. Don't Panic- It could be worse.
2. Duck and cover
3. Put on extra sun block, preferably in the SPF one million range.
4. Wrap your genitalia in aluminum foil for that extra stimulation(Hell if its gonna go it might as well go out in a blast.)
5. Cancel your subscription to Playboy- You'll be sterile so it won't matter.
6. Watch the Mad Max series- If not for the insightful tips than for the really cool fake american accents.
...And here are a few tips for afterward:
7. Break into a fallout shelter and hug everyone.
8. Drool and mumble to yourself while you wait for a slow cancerous death.
9. Break back into the fallout shelter and drool on and mumble to everyone.
The hydrogen bomb used to be only in the hands of the most powerful countries in a sort of Mutually Assured Destruction (M.A.D.) Everyone (in the US atleast)thought the Russians as an "Evil Empire" bent on the collapse of the United States and that the only thing stopping them was the whole MAD hoopla. This is only a half truth.
The Russians (or more appropriately the Russian bureaucrasy, as the Russian people were busy looking for food)were not dumb; they knew the consequences of nuclear fallout as much as the Americans. If anything, the US would have been the first to use a nuke.
Nowadays we have a false, overwhelmingly wide spread sense of security. Times have changed and the risk for nuclear war is far greater, far far greater. Radical third world countries are more interested in bombing their neighbor to bits than a nation several thousand miles away. I predict that this trend will continue to the point of every apartment tenant from here to Cheng Du having a small nuclear arsenal pointed at his upstair neighbor.
In any case here are a few tips on "How to Survive Global Nuclear Fallout":
1. Don't Panic- It could be worse.
2. Duck and cover
3. Put on extra sun block, preferably in the SPF one million range.
4. Wrap your genitalia in aluminum foil for that extra stimulation(Hell if its gonna go it might as well go out in a blast.)
5. Cancel your subscription to Playboy- You'll be sterile so it won't matter.
6. Watch the Mad Max series- If not for the insightful tips than for the really cool fake american accents.
...And here are a few tips for afterward:
7. Break into a fallout shelter and hug everyone.
8. Drool and mumble to yourself while you wait for a slow cancerous death.
9. Break back into the fallout shelter and drool on and mumble to everyone.
