h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Insightfully Meaningless Writings of Random Specificity #11

So yet again I take this time to watch as my insolent cursor keeps it's past transgressions alive and well . . .I curse a little . . .not much . . .but a little . . .and I begin to feel better about myself afterwards . . .having put this damn cursor in it's spot. Then I think whether you as the read will think ill of me to have wasted the effort on this program . . .maybe I just need to get over it huh? Perhaps.

What would I like to blither about today . . .blither . . .blither . . .blither. . . Ah I know . . .lets talk about dating rules . . .you single researchers know what I talking about . . .those predetermines roles we have to play when we date (or attempt to date in some of our cases). Those precepts that we all follow blindly but fail to understand. Or at least I can't understand them.

The first one . . .and the worst one in my opinion . . .when to call the girl/guy once you get his/her phone number/radio frequency/or smoke signal. You know, for some of us, just getting that person to give us a way of contacting them is an act of congress. Increasingly women don't give their numbers up that willingly, and for some it is like the Spanish inquisition (NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION . . .sorry a shameless plug to Monty python) . . .some require everything short of a blood sample to get comfortable enough to give it to you. And this is not to say that this is without warrant in today society . . .given the lot of strange people and STDs that float around . . .a woman, or a man, has to be careful . . . though the man is a lot more open to giving numbers out. But once the number has been given . . .how long does one wait to call the person? Surely not that very same night . . .that indeed gives off the impression of desperation . . . and we all know that that is something none of us wants to portray even if that were the case. But how long does one wait? Some would say a week . . .some a matter of days . . . all of which can be justified to the caller's mind as given off the air of noncommittal and in some ways to show that even if rejection be the outcome it won't really bother them . . .even though for the past week/day/month that number has been staring at us on the phone/refrigerator/shoetree and when the moment of truth comes we spend the better part of hour rehearsing our speech only to forget it when it requires use. But how many days are right? One would present the opportunity to recall the evening's events and give the impression of genuine desire . . .two days a little less and so on. .. but once the week turns the thought changes . . .to one of "hey lets hang out" and relieves a lot of the pressure but wait to long and it is pointless. So the goal is to wait what we deem the adequate number of days to not give off the impression of being desperate but still maintain the illusion of desire to be with that person . . . even if it is only for a dinner and a movie . . .which brings me to my next point.

What to do on that first date? If one really wants to make an impression, one has to come up with something unique and different. But to some that presents the impression that we are seeking a more serious relationship that the other is willing to commit to, so what to do. . .As a guy, it is sometimes advisable to ask the date what she might like to do, but then the roles change where the woman wants to be taken out and thus will remain indecisive, in an effort to be cute (but mostly just to the irritation of the guy), so that returns the guy to the beginning and no where closer to figuring out what to do. So then the question arises . . .do we take them out to something we know we will like or something we think they will like? Well, in the first one, we are assured to have at least one person having a good time and maybe offer to the other person a little window into what makes us . . .well . . . us. In the second argument, we take the chance of not having a good time ourselves and the other person as well, but they might enjoy the effort and give the planner points towards a second date . . .or not. . .So lets say dinner and a movie . . .traditional and non threatening (and unimaginative) . . .it affords one the ability to make polite banter and take the opportunity to scope each other out . . .because invariable at the restaurant/diner/McDonalds each of you will have to use the restroom and this afford the opportunity to stare at rear ends . . . . . .just a thought . . . . And at the movie, you can at least walk away the viewing of a good movie . . .and if it goes well maybe a little hand holding or something . . .here at the movies first contact can be achieved because we all remember the high school dates where we would sit in our chairs and move about restlessly to get our hands or bodies in a position easily accessible to the other . . .and then "accidentally" brushing the other person . . .we all know the story. But again if things go south we at least got fed and got to see a movie . . .who can beat that. And with other dates more imaginative the risks go up but the pay back that could arise is something that goes up as well . . . and we all see that but are unwilling to "break the rules."

Now this brings me to the next rule . . .the kiss. When does one kiss the date-EE? The first date kiss can mean one of three things . . .1) there is genuine interest and the want for there to be a second date is present 2) the kissee enjoyed the evening but has no desire (the goodbye kiss) and 3) don't ever come here again, lose my number, forget my name (the pity kiss). So how do we decide if a kiss is a necessity or something that should be saved for a later date? Well mood mainly . . .but there are those that expect it whenever they go out . . .and then mostly they are subject to 3 outcomes formerly mentioned. . And most often the latter of the three-so is a kiss right for your date . . .might be. If the stare lingers for a time beyond comfort. . try it . . .if the hand goes on the chest. . Do it . . .if you suddenly find yourself with a tongue down your throat and a hand in your crotch . . .enjoy it . . . . . .But then the question of whether or not it is right to expect a kiss comes up. Well is it? NO.. . especially from a guy's POV . . .if you come to expect these things then should ever date one of HER friends surely it will come to bite you later . . .and that is something we as guys do not want . . .and girls . . .if you want it come and get it . . .I don't know of any guy that will deny you. . .as long as you don't look like MR ED. . . . . .as shallow as that may seem. But a kiss at the end of the date can tell a lot about a date's success. If the kiss feels like an invite to come up stairs for a drink (and if it does it doesn't mean it is. . why I don't know. . .but just except it) then it is . . how they say. . MONEY. . .if it feels like a kiss from your great aunt helga. . then run for your car and make up a story to tell your friends about how much she/he wanted you and how you turned she/he down because you fell in love with a she/he at the bar and so and so forth. . .which brings me to my next point. . SEX.
When do you have sex? Is it after the second, third, fifth, or sixty-fifth date? Sex changes everything. As a rule it is best NOT to have sex on the first date. . because if you want a continuing relationship and if you start on a physical basis that will be the predominant trend in which it continues. Not good if you lack imagination in the sack. And if you have the imagination, you savor the thought of using it. .. as I do. You see sex brings into play all sorts of rule in and of itself. .. refer to my other posting. . .Insightfully Meaningless Writings of Random Specificity #6 and my various postings about my own failed monogamous relationship for further insight into that.

Okay, so the first date is down and you got a call to go out this weekend with the same person. . .congrats you have been awarded the honor of a second date. .. which is all we really want right due to the way the first one was a disaster and how things went all wrong and so on and so forth. The second date. . .in my experience the second date is a good one for giving a "gift," ideally one that shows you listened to what she liked or that you noticed those "stupid" earrings she wore. But the gift thing has problems all of its own. .. refer to next paragraph for that. But the second date. . .as a planner you have to "top" the first one. . though that might not prove to be an insurmountable goal if you lack inspiration. Typically the second date is one in which the boundaries have been bruised. . not broken. . .but bruised. You can relax with the whole. . .I wonder if she likes this author, what is her feelings about this. . .how does she feel about that. . type stuff. . .and if you are a female, just replace the pronoun. . .I know how you think. But not too much!!! I mean if she is a devout Veggan and you like nothing more than to suck on still moo-ing steak, the second date might not be the time to tell her. .she /he is still feeling you out but you have the favor of "first impressions" behind you. So fret not. . you can afford to slip up once, maybe twice, but no more. And it is on the second date that the repor is established. Here is where, if you haven't already, first touches occur, the hand, the arm, the hair.. .but not anywhere near the core of the body. . .that makes the relationship physical beyond innocence (to some) and that is bad. But the breaking of the barrier is key. . .that lets the other person know that you are in this for the outcome. But how do you do this? To some the break is when the conversation turns to humor. . .touching at the punchline. .. that is a good way to gauge the response of touching and still maintain innocence. To others it is situation dependent, if you go to a club where dancing is on the ticket. . then there you go. .. if you go to a sports bar and the local team is winning. . .then there you go. . .but breaking the aloofness is key to the second date success. Any disputes?

Okay, so sex and touching has been an issue long resolved. .. either to your benefit or not. . .then come the issue of gift giving. Let us start with cards. Cards are a relationship anomaly. You see, hallmark for all the good it has done to society, has posed its own set of problems.. .no men and women have to sit for hours trying to figure out the perfect card to send or give. . .say to much and the relationship is off or takes a turn for the surreal and you will either be happy or scared with the results. . .say to little and she/he will feel that you don't reciprocate the feelings and things are off. . .but say the RIGHT thing and things can take a turn for the pleasurable (whether that be emotional or physical) and that is GOOD. Cards not something to be taken lightly. . .and neither is the personal excerpt you include in it. So take great care when placing your personalization in these cards. . it can come to haunt or please you. Now flowers are the next gift. . .lets go for roses in this example. Roses come in a variety of colors. . .Red, Pink, Yellow, White, and fake colors that only the florist can provide. . .but every color has a definition. Red is Love (of course), Pink is the development of friendship and "something" and other colors. .. If you were a guy you would do well to define these colors for yourself. You see gifts, just like cards, are an anomaly, just like cards. In all instances you need to read your recipients responses. Remember this and the date-gods will smile upon you.

Flirting is another aspect of dating that has rules assigned to it. You see flirting has all sorts of rules attached to it. . .but flirting will make you "money" in her/his eyes. You see there is a difference between "honest" flirting and "fake" flirting. "Honest" flirting accentuates the female/male you are with. . . . "fake" flirting lends itself to empty sexual encounters and all the baggage that comes with it (hence a relationship failed. . .a situation I know all to well). But flirting has its merits. . . Whom do you flirt with? Well, if you are single the only one you flirt with is the one you want to pursue (and the reasons for the chase is up to you). But if you have passed the 2nd date the flirting takes a different role. Now flirting takes on the role of potential mate, , ,unlike the 1st date where it is a semi-meaningless means to find a way to get her/him to see you again. But flirting can "make or break" the continuance of a relationship. While complementing his/her eyes is a good thing, saying the nose between them looks like an attractive banana is a bad thing. And with the development of a relationship through time flirting becomes increasingly intimate. . .you have such sexy eyes. . .that outfit looks good on you. . .that outfit looks good on the floor . . . . . .OOPS. . .don't include that one. Flirting is good. . .just be sure the flirt fits the time.

Rules-rules-rules. . .I am sure you, reader, have had your own run ins with date rules and I would like to hear about them. . .for I am sure I have not been exposed to ALL of them (and thankfully I might add, the ones I have been accosted with give me migraines).

Well, reader, Godspeed and I look forward to hearing about your further adventures.