h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here I sit yet again, with that accursed cursor blink-blink-blinking at me, and unlike my friend the duckophile I harbor no illusions that the computer sees me "that way." My cursor blinks not winks. And again, reader, I write this not in addition to my ever-growing series of "Insightfully meaningless writings of random specificity," but rather in rebuttal to the previous posting.
As my esteemed fellow researcher has pointed out, there is indeed more than one type of sports bar. And when combined with my own original posting the possibilities are endless. And whether the reader is a patron of a Yuppie, Neighborhood, or Totally Guy and Sometimes Adult Sports bar, one can see almost all of the people types in them and might at one point or another blend perfectly in with a specific type. Though I must say that Hooters doesn't fit in any of these categories, but rather fits in the "Gift from God" category (this being the authors opinion and not the opinion of H2G2).
Continuing with the "three" moniker of all our proceeding posts, I will now attempt to convey to you, reader, that there are three types of beverages (and by beverages I mean the kind that make you feel all funny inside) available at these many and varied establishments. Why I choose three as a categorical constant is not known to me at this time, perhaps its an attempt to find the perfection, where three tripled is one away from the perfection numerically, or perhaps in this instance, it takes three beers for me to feel a tingle in my toes, or perhaps I find three an easy number to count to given the fact that this darn cursor insists on blinking at me . . .sorry . . .
The first of these beverages I will categorize as the brown bubbly (BB). The brown bubbly is made from the fermentation of barley, hops, rice, or other carbohydrate-ridden plants that can easily be found underneath farm machinery. I am referring, to my drink of choice, BEER. Beer has suffered a bad rap for the most part . . .when a man is overweight he is known to have a "beer gut," or beer is only empty calories, or beer is the root of domestic evil. And while many of these may in fact have a kernel of truth behind them, beer my friends is just that . . .beer. Now the advantage of beer over its alcoholic brethren is that very one can order it a form that comes not watered down . . .by the bottle. Now of course one can get it cheaply in it's draft form, but beer is cheap anyhow, so stop pinching pennies. And draft form comes with a little extra water, though the bartender will vehemently deny this to be the case. But he can't fool me. Now beer has a lot of attractions, no other beverage has scantly clad women, rugged picturesque scenery, and irritatingly animated amphibians cooing lovingly at the inception of a beverage of such genius. And one final caveat that beer can bring is that everyone, and I mean everyone looks good drinking it. Now beers come in many and varied forms. You have your basic ales, which are pretty heavy and very hard. Malts are thick and resemble closely motor oil, and you have your basic beer. People prefer all different types, from all different places. Imports, exports, airports . . .wait a minute . . .But whether one prefers German, Korean, Irish, Japanese, Mexican, or good old fashion American brew, one thing is for certain, this is by far the better of the three (in this author's opinion).
Second is what I call the grape bubbly (GB). Now grape bubbly is a drink of choice amongst the more refined individual of the group. These individuals are aficionados of the YSB's (or Yuppie Sports Bars). Though in certain instances one can find a wine-list at the other establishments, for the most part the restriction of good wines lies heavily in the more "upscale" establishment. Wine is the fermentation of grapes and is one of the more delicate of the alcoholic types. Though, one should reserve its consumption to dates and business meetings, it can be found on occasion. Wine comes in all types, Merlots, Chardonnays, Boxed, and whatever your pleasure, only the finest wine expert can tell the difference. And wine comes with rules . . .for drunks sake . . .rules . . .anyhow I digress. Rules (though if you have to think while you choose your beverage, perhaps it's not worth the time) of consumption are in effect. White with chicken, pink with fish and red with beef and blue with mold and green with . . .again I am off track. Wine is best consumed over candlelight and in a funny shaped glass that one often sees being used with the pinkie extended (why . . .don't ask me). Now wine does have a "groovy" sibling, that of champagne. Champagne is the carbonated brethren or in this case sisteren of wine. Champagne is a sure way to get "giggly."
Now this brings me to my final category, the "I-have-no-idea-what-is-in-it-what-it-is-made-of-nor-do-I-care" type (IHNIWIIIWIIMONDIC). These drinks are hard liquor. Beverages of this type can come in two basic types . . .shots and mixed. Shots are easy to identify, they come in small glasses and are the quick way to get "bombed," "blasted," or "messed up." They have such colorful names like "liquid cocaine," and the "B-52." Mixed drinks are drinks with hard liquor cut with other liquors or some tasty mix that turns the drinks all sorts of colors that were never meant to be consumed. Drinks in this category have all sorts of titles alluding to acts of carnal-esque desire, or ethnicity, or just about anything except for what is actually in it. Now this drinks are often a conversation piece of the people who are drinking it, again why is beyond me, and more often than not the price paid for these drinks is inflated for the amount of beverage contain there-in. And unfortunately these drinks are always watered down, and never contain the same amount twice.
Well, that is all I have to write on that subject, though I must put in a warning about the affects of alcohol. And reader rest assured I won't quote the surgeon general or your mother, I will simply impart two simple rules. The first of which is this "Liquor before beer, in the clear . . .Beer before liquor never been sicker." And the second of which remember the one to ten rule. That person who is a one at the beginning of the evening, after a significant amount of drinks they get closer to ten.

So to all you researchers out there, and you Tacsatduck, I offer this up to you comments and look forward to hearing about all your adventures. Until then Godspeed and take care.