h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Insightfully meaningless writing of Random Specificity #4

Ah, here begins yet another fight with this accursed cursor blink-blink-blinking about my page. I thank the computer gods for making it blink, however, for I believe I would go mad if it should do something like beeping or some such irritation. Though I fear, reader, I have simply gone mad none-the-less. And what to write about today. . .
I chose this very evening to write a follow up to my clubs article. Though, I fear reader, that this establishment doesn't qualify as a club. The establishment in question is a local sports bar I have come to frequent here as of late. Sports Bar's are an anomaly in and of themselves. Reader, where else can a man go and watch the "big game"get served various forms of hors d'ourves, beer and cigars and all the while enjoying the latest music and have it all served by some of the most gorgeous women in the club going experience. But alas, my dear reader, should you try to partake in the serving girl she invariably has a boyfriend doing time at many and varied federal penitentiaries. And this presents a curious anomaly that the author will have to devote time to later. For if one was to ask the same waitress two, three, even four weeks in a row, you will find unequaled loyalty and the name of a different federal institution every time. So one can only assume that the waitress lacks variety, imagination, or intelligence.
But alas, the author has started to move off into directions unintended and probably uninteresting to the reader. Back to the point at hand. . .Sports Bars.
Through their smoke laden haze one is assured to see men in all varied sizes and attitude yelling at players on a screen half a world away. Obviously thinking that through some miracle the player will actually hear him and not fumble the ball at the crucial moment in the game and lose the yeller 50 bucks to his fellow bar mates. Music will be blaring and strobe lights strobin’, waitress in all their glory carrying around fried concoctions of every sort to destinations strategically placed through any random importance in the bar.
Now reader, there are many types of sports bar go-ers, and I will discuss a few of these in the ensuing paragraphs. The first of the sports bar go-ers I will name is the one I call "the pain" The pain is the omniscient all knowing expert in every sport known to man. Truth be told, my reader, the pain knows as much about sports as the author knows about the symbols on the outside of tampon boxes. (My apologies to the feminists out there after that last remark, though the verity of the statement still stands).. You see reader, the pain enters the sports bar like it is his domain and moves to the nearest big screen television to unerringly make remarks about how in his high school days he could throw-catch-tackle-shoot-hit-dive-spike better than the professionals on the screen. The pain has no interest in females who frequent the bar, not because of the overwhelming draw of the sporting event on the tele, but rather he has no chance on any of them. For my reader, women won’t stand for a fake . . .am I right? He knows it too.
Next, my fair reader, is the one who knows nothing about the sport on the television, cares less about the televised game than he knows about, and makes no assumption one way or the other. I will call him the realist. The realist enters the bar, not "macking" not "pimping" not "anything" he simply enters the bar shows his ID and follows the pain to the table and sits down. He has no presumptions about his man hood or the fact he that he doesn't know the difference between a side-out and an out of bounds. Nor can he pick out a racquetball form a soccerball (or to my European friends futeball). The realist enters the bar and sits down, promptly picks up the menu and feigns interests at the plays his friend the pain is yelling at. Ultimately he will choose the cheapest appetizer or food item and will pick up his favorite brew and settle in for what promises to be an evening of entertainment. Not for the game or the visual eye candy that might enter the bar, but how his fellow bar go-ers make asses of themselvse and he will thank the lord he knows better. The realist, my friends, does have one fault. And before you give the author a loud and emphatic "no" I will tell you what it is. It's his self-esteem. Not personnel but more in the lines of naiveté. You see reader; it is the realist that attracts the women in these bars. It is the realist that wins. Why? Because he makes no presumptions about his manhood, does not give off the testosterone overload and quite frankly my dear, he doesn't give a darn. Women will approach the realist all the time and 10 times out of 5 he will blow. The realist, my reader, unwaveringly leaves the bar alone.
Number three in the line of descriptions is the life of the group. I will call him the irritation, for that is what he is for his friends late in the evening and women early in the evening. The irritation enters the bar and does exactly the opposite of what his compatriot the realist does. He "pimp's" he "swaggers" he "presumes." Ladies and Gentlemen this is Gods gift to the sports bar . . .in his mind. He enters behind his cohorts and saunters up to the table and sits down as if he is all that and a pickle. He will be the one to find out what state prison the waitress' boyfriend is in this week and he will make an idiot of himself. As the night wears on he will become increasingly drunk and increasingly annoying. He will approach each and every woman in his age group, to begin with, and then move on to women that are old enough to be his mother. He will, later in the evening, yell in support of his friend the pain for no known reason, and manage to alienate the waitress. The irritation will summarily leave the bar alone as well. The only difference is, my fair reader, is that he will be complaining about his lack of action the entire way home. This will summarily tork off . . .
The human. The human enters about five feet behind the other three. The human is an optional member of the group. He will not be present all the time. Usually, reader, the human is home alone feeling to good for the bar in question, the only flaw I might add is his haughtiness. He will assume a position at the table with is back to the tele. He will read the menu and decide that all the items on the menu are not worth his colon, so he will get a glass of water, or maybe in rare cases enjoy some mixed drink for the better part of an hour. He will not flirt . . .much. He will not get angry. He will simply sit back and watch the other three and take on the "responsible"role. Now, reader, on this particular occasion, he will leave with a female and in three to nine months will marry them and thank his three friends at the wedding for “dragging” him out to meet his future wife. These three men I might add, reader, will be doing the exactly same thing they were doing on that night. Only the pain is now an expert on relationships . . .the realist will still blow any chance he has with the wife’s sister, and the irritation will be the talk of the bride and groom for years to come . . .mainly the conversation will consist of "Why did you invite him" "I am sorry honey, but I owe him," "you're sleeping on the couch" variety. The human, my friends is the lucky one.
Researcher I implore you to examine this phenomenon and contribute to an anthropological study on the human social experience.
Until then, my friends, I look forward to hearing from you and Godspeed in all your adventures. I will be here waiting.

Sometime soon I'm gonna get a week off work and read these posts of yours Aaron

SOme of them might prove insightful, or at least ildly entertaining

Well first I would like to say that my cursor does not seem to blink-blink-blink at me its more like my computer is winking at me I don't know if I should be worried or not because I do like this computer I just don't think I like it in that sort of way.

Now for to note a few things not covered in the previously written article on Sports Bars.

First: there is more than one type of sports bar (SB). Now I would like to put forward the three main types and you must remember that your Sports bar may be a hybrid of the three main types.

1. Lets call the first one a Yuppie Sports Bar (YSB). In this establishment only somewhat wealthy males will tend to gather. They will almost always be in at least a shirt and tie (with the tie becoming ever looser as the night progresses, and if the night for an individual goes on long enough you might find it being used as a bandana). There will be the same type of foods as a more common SB but there will also be more choices in the healthy dept. Beverage types will include beer, which is served in all SB, but there will be the addition of the wine list and even champagne on big game days. The females that will come in these types of establishments will be looking for a somewhat well of man and not give a damn about the game. They will almost always come in a dress with shoulders exposed. The waitress will all be in matching outfits usually white button up the front shirt and black pants. I have been to a few of these establishments and did not fit in so good.

2. Next I will discus the neighborhood sports bar (NSB). These can be located in almost all cities and towns. Dress is usually only limited by the fact that one must wear a shirt and have some type of shoes on. This is the place you will find your regular working Joe. Beer will be the drink of choice and the only wine that you may be able to find is the kind that comes in a gallon jug or in a little card board box. Health food is out of the question. At the most you may be able to get a salad but even that will have bacon and eggs and cheese and any other heart clogging substance that kind hide the non taste of the lettuce. Now the females in this establishment will 75% of the time know and like most of the sports being shown on the TV's. These women will be wearing jeans and shirts most of the time with a few maybe wearing a sweater if it is a little cold or once and a while one will come in wearing a skirt. Guys much watch the one wearing the skirt because if she stars drinking heavily in the evening she has only come to the NSB to find and leave with an available (or available for now) Joe. The wait staff and bartender will wear what ever the hell they want and usually the clothes will be clean and somewhat decent. This I must say is my favorite type of SB.

3. The Totally Guy and Sometimes Adult Sports Bar (TGSASB) you will find but have to look a little harder for. These will be much like the NSB but with a few changes. Instead of the usually wait staff you will have either of the following scantly clad females, topless, or everyone and a while nude. Usually for the wait staff it's the scantly clad female. Now for entertainment you will still have the big TV and stuff but also there may be the addition of topless or nude women dancing on the stage or behind a cage. The guys that frequent this type of establishment come from every social class and order and where just as a diverse range of things. Drinks will be beer or hard liquor and only the designated driver ordering anything else. Females that frequent this type of SB will usually be with their boyfriend trying to show him that they can be wild and such. You don't usually see a female by her self in one of these places but if you do then you can be 95% sure she fits into the following categories; friends with one of the workers, off the clock employee, or a girl batting on the other side of the fence. Now don't get me wrong I have seen groups of women that would not fit in these categories but have seldom seen a lone woman that did not fit in there. I have been to a few of these types of places as I am sure most men have. A famous version of this is a SB/restaurant called Hooters that is clean enough to bring the family but the women are scantly clad enough to distract you from the game.

Now like I said there are varieties of SB that may fit into more than one of these groups like this one time I went into a TGSASB in the city that was also a YSB.


Now I my self looking back at the original posting made by the leg LT have found myself trying to place myself in one of the categories listed and find it hard. For the most part I find my self in the realist category but I do care about the game. I guess is that like the different types of SB one person may be a mixture of the types of guys listed in the previous post. I find that I move in and out of the categories depending on what type of SB I am with, who I am with, and what game is on the big TV. I am sure many of you may find the same thing about yourselves. I think that is enough of an addition to the original text to maybe clarify the few points I found missing in the afore mentioned text. So basically right back at you Aaron.

From now on my closest friend I would appreciate it if yopu would dignify me nby my entire title, Maritime Archaeologist Airborne impaired LT. Cool ? No I must say Iw ill reply later to your posting. Take care my friend and GOd bless you in your journeys. Until next time. . .

Aaron


PS Is she lactating

PSS Give a call to my folks to see how things are.

Here I sit yet again, with that accursed cursor blink-blink-blinking at me, and unlike my friend the duckophile I harbor no illusions that the computer sees me "that way." My cursor blinks not winks. And again, reader, I write this not in addition to my ever-growing series of "Insightfully meaningless writings of random specificity," but rather in rebuttal to the previous posting.
As my esteemed fellow researcher has pointed out, there is indeed more than one type of sports bar. And when combined with my own original posting the possibilities are endless. And whether the reader is a patron of a Yuppie, Neighborhood, or Totally Guy and Sometimes Adult Sports bar, one can see almost all of the people types in them and might at one point or another blend perfectly in with a specific type. Though I must say that Hooters doesn't fit in any of these categories, but rather fits in the "Gift from God" category (this being the authors opinion and not the opinion of H2G2).
Continuing with the "three" moniker of all our proceeding posts, I will now attempt to convey to you, reader, that there are three types of beverages (and by beverages I mean the kind that make you feel all funny inside) available at these many and varied establishments. Why I choose three as a categorical constant is not known to me at this time, perhaps its an attempt to find the perfection, where three tripled is one away from the perfection numerically, or perhaps in this instance, it takes three beers for me to feel a tingle in my toes, or perhaps I find three an easy number to count to given the fact that this darn cursor insists on blinking at me . . .sorry . . .
The first of these beverages I will categorize as the brown bubbly (BB). The brown bubbly is made from the fermentation of barley, hops, rice, or other carbohydrate-ridden plants that can easily be found underneath farm machinery. I am referring, to my drink of choice, BEER. Beer has suffered a bad rap for the most part . . .when a man is overweight he is known to have a "beer gut," or beer is only empty calories, or beer is the root of domestic evil. And while many of these may in fact have a kernel of truth behind them, beer my friends is just that . . .beer. Now the advantage of beer over its alcoholic brethren is that very one can order it a form that comes not watered down . . .by the bottle. Now of course one can get it cheaply in it's draft form, but beer is cheap anyhow, so stop pinching pennies. And draft form comes with a little extra water, though the bartender will vehemently deny this to be the case. But he can't fool me. Now beer has a lot of attractions, no other beverage has scantly clad women, rugged picturesque scenery, and irritatingly animated amphibians cooing lovingly at the inception of a beverage of such genius. And one final caveat that beer can bring is that everyone, and I mean everyone looks good drinking it. Now beers come in many and varied forms. You have your basic ales, which are pretty heavy and very hard. Malts are thick and resemble closely motor oil, and you have your basic beer. People prefer all different types, from all different places. Imports, exports, airports . . .wait a minute . . .But whether one prefers German, Korean, Irish, Japanese, Mexican, or good old fashion American brew, one thing is for certain, this is by far the better of the three (in this author's opinion).
Second is what I call the grape bubbly (GB). Now grape bubbly is a drink of choice amongst the more refined individual of the group. These individuals are aficionados of the YSB's (or Yuppie Sports Bars). Though in certain instances one can find a wine-list at the other establishments, for the most part the restriction of good wines lies heavily in the more "upscale" establishment. Wine is the fermentation of grapes and is one of the more delicate of the alcoholic types. Though, one should reserve its consumption to dates and business meetings, it can be found on occasion. Wine comes in all types, Merlots, Chardonnays, Boxed, and whatever your pleasure, only the finest wine expert can tell the difference. And wine comes with rules . . .for drunks sake . . .rules . . .anyhow I digress. Rules (though if you have to think while you choose your beverage, perhaps it's not worth the time) of consumption are in effect. White with chicken, pink with fish and red with beef and blue with mold and green with . . .again I am off track. Wine is best consumed over candlelight and in a funny shaped glass that one often sees being used with the pinkie extended (why . . .don't ask me). Now wine does have a "groovy" sibling, that of champagne. Champagne is the carbonated brethren or in this case sisteren of wine. Champagne is a sure way to get "giggly."
Now this brings me to my final category, the "I-have-no-idea-what-is-in-it-what-it-is-made-of-nor-do-I-care" type (IHNIWIIIWIIMONDIC). These drinks are hard liquor. Beverages of this type can come in two basic types . . .shots and mixed. Shots are easy to identify, they come in small glasses and are the quick way to get "bombed," "blasted," or "messed up." They have such colorful names like "liquid cocaine," and the "B-52." Mixed drinks are drinks with hard liquor cut with other liquors or some tasty mix that turns the drinks all sorts of colors that were never meant to be consumed. Drinks in this category have all sorts of titles alluding to acts of carnal-esque desire, or ethnicity, or just about anything except for what is actually in it. Now this drinks are often a conversation piece of the people who are drinking it, again why is beyond me, and more often than not the price paid for these drinks is inflated for the amount of beverage contain there-in. And unfortunately these drinks are always watered down, and never contain the same amount twice.
Well, that is all I have to write on that subject, though I must put in a warning about the affects of alcohol. And reader rest assured I won't quote the surgeon general or your mother, I will simply impart two simple rules. The first of which is this "Liquor before beer, in the clear . . .Beer before liquor never been sicker." And the second of which remember the one to ten rule. That person who is a one at the beginning of the evening, after a significant amount of drinks they get closer to ten.

So to all you researchers out there, and you Tacsatduck, I offer this up to you comments and look forward to hearing about all your adventures. Until then Godspeed and take care.