Alphabetizing in the Yellow Pages
Created | Updated Apr 25, 2002
Introduction
The other night, or rather, the other too-early morning, I noticed something strange about the local telephone directory. I'm not talking about the typical look-up-an-old friend white pages. I'm talking about that most useful set of processed tree parts: the Yellow Pages1. "Let your fingers do the walking" they offer helpfully to the busy consumer. What they don't do, however, is advertise the charm of some of their jaune jaunts. Many of their digital strolls, because of the alphabetical and weirdly cool method of organization, are more useful that anyone could have imagined2.
Fortuitous Uses
Bad Luck
For example, knowing that Physical Therapists follows Photographic Equipment and Supplies on page 247, would be helpful when you splurge at the camera store. Therapy will come in handy when you throw your back out carrying around your shiny new tripods and lens covers. Of course, you're thinking, "That's silly, who needs more than one tripod anyway?" And maybe you're right. But what about those unforeseen accidents?
Antennas, the most holy aluminum crosses of the televised world, land straight above Antiques - Dealers and Antiques - Repair & Restore. This becomes very important when you decide to try the wiring yourself. Of course, running the cable from the back of the TV to the roof through the wall is tough3, and you forgot about the rare Tiffany lamp resting on the Federalist era side-table, didn't you? That is, you forgot about them until you chipped one and scratched the other when the power drill got out of hand and nearly wiped out the cat in the process. Just leave the Yellow Pages open to page 10, it'll take care of everything.
Now, I know what you're thinking, and no, not all of the trips down the Yellow Page Road result from bad luck. Some result from bad planning.
Bad Planning
What about this gem from the final golden folio, page 358? You're volunteering at one of the numerous Youth Organizations & Centers in the area. Foolishly ignoring the possible outrageous outcomes, you buy delicious dairy treats for everyone from the previous entry. Well, gosh, darn it all if the little scamps didn't get Yogurt all over their coats (not to mention their hair, their faces, the walls, the floor and 88% of the remaining exposed areas). They're all trapped! Their fasteners are stuck shut with the adhesive power of pure sucrose.4 What do you need? The next entry: Zippers - Repairing.
"Aha!" you say. "Then the Yellow Pages are only useful in fixing screw-ups." No sir (or ma'am as the case may be). Many of these combinations are for the skilled and the fortunate, the people who know how to plan.
For the Well Prepared
Planning beforehand can save a lot of trouble when you contact your Health Maintenance Organization to have your Hearing Aids checked. This way, you'll know when your Heat Pumps fail and start banging or clanging or whirring or chirring or whatever it is that heat pumps do when they go bad. And any and all of these topics can be found between pages 164 and 165.
Furthermore, knowing that Gourmet Shops is right before Government Offices - City, Village & Township, County, State, National will save you an extra trip when making a donation (i.e. bribing) to that council member or zoning commissioner regarding the Golf Practice Ranges you're building in your back yard. This eventuality can be forethought by checking page 160 and following the directions carefully 5.
The Ultimate Love-Weekend Finger Trek
As helpful as the Yellow Pages are, however, the coup de grace of their walks, the Ultimate Love-Weekend Finger Trek6, can be dangerous to the uninitiated. Attempt it only if you believe yourself to possess supreme digital dexterity and appendage endurance. This caveat presented, your short but steamy weekend proceeds thusly on page 81:
First, get yourself some Calculating & Adding Machines & Supplies. You'll need them to keep track of your purchases. While you're at the office supply store, look up Calendars and choose a weekend convenient for both you and your significant other. Don't forget to tell that person which weekend! Follow down the page to Campgrounds & Recreational Vehicle Parks and select a nice facility7.
Setting the mood is tricky, so this next part depends on your handicrafts capability. If you are absolutely sure of your ability, go to Candle Making Supplies and Candy & Confectionery Mfr's Supplies. Your date will undoubtedly be duly impressed with your devotion and the fact that you have far too much time on your hand. If, however, you're normal and know candy comes from a bag not a vat of boiling sugar, skip the above headings and go directly to Candles - Retail and Candy & Confectionery - Retail. If, for some reason, you feel that you need a lot of candy, feel free to utilize Candy & Confectionery Whsle & Mfrs.
"Okay," you say. "Nightlife's taken care of, but what are we going to do during the day? I didn't come all they way out here to sit around worrying about bears." Don't worry though, it's taken care of under Canoes - Rental. Won't that be fun, paddling lazily around a smooth-as-glass lake with your love while the bears eat the candy? Maybe you can even catch the next day's breakfast. This may prove difficult, though, as fishing poles are not included in the ULWFT, so it's probably a better idea to use Cans and pick up some non-perishable goods8. It's right there on the page anyway.
Success! What a great weekend! But don't thank me, thank the Yellow Pages. They're the ones who made it possible for you to trade in the corns on your feet for calluses on your fingertips. So take my advice with theirs: Let your enthusiasm be your guide, but let your fingers do the walking.
