The Convenience Store Conspiracy
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
It is commonly known that Tabloid Newspapers are not reliable sources of news. What is not commonly known is that they are not published. Nobody actually purchases Tabloid Newspapers. We only know of their contents from those who read them out of sheer boredom while in the supermarket check-out line. (But would never buy one. I mean, come on now.)
In fact, no one is actually aware of where Tabloids come from. It is a little known secret that no stores actually stock them. They simply appear in news stands, supermarkets, and convenience stores overnight. This mysterious event always occurs between 2:34 and 2:43 PM (local time, and not taking daylight savings time into account). All attempts to observe this event as it happened have failed. Security cameras record only static. Those who attempt to witness the depositing of the periodicals are found later as piles of ash, presumably having fallen victim to Spontaneous Human Combustion.
Most convenience stores have become resigned to this strange phenomenon. Although Seven-Eleven is famous for being open twenty-four hours a day, there is in fact a ten minute period during which all employees simultaneously "go on a coffe break" so that the Tabloids may appear. That's why seven-elevens have locks on their doors.
In fact, no one is actually aware of where Tabloids come from. It is a little known secret that no stores actually stock them. They simply appear in news stands, supermarkets, and convenience stores overnight. This mysterious event always occurs between 2:34 and 2:43 PM (local time, and not taking daylight savings time into account). All attempts to observe this event as it happened have failed. Security cameras record only static. Those who attempt to witness the depositing of the periodicals are found later as piles of ash, presumably having fallen victim to Spontaneous Human Combustion.
Most convenience stores have become resigned to this strange phenomenon. Although Seven-Eleven is famous for being open twenty-four hours a day, there is in fact a ten minute period during which all employees simultaneously "go on a coffe break" so that the Tabloids may appear. That's why seven-elevens have locks on their doors.
