or, not the best way to meet royalty

So. Anyway.

Princess Anne was on her way to an important engagement in the north of London. Her chauffeur driven black Bentley with its escort of four police motorcycles was weaving its way through the spring Monday afternoon traffic of Southgate. The convoy turned off of the main road into a little known and little used back road which had the advantage of cutting off one junction of the North Circular. The road was clear. The entourage put their foot down. Up ahead the road widened, there was a right hander, a slightly blind right hander being as the trees lining the road were in full blossom.

The princess sat in the back seat, gazing out of the window, thinking to herself what a lovely day it was, and how she was so looking forward to her appointment with some upper-crust types to talk about horses and stuff like that. It was a good day to be alive. Little did she know that today would be a good day to die!

Little did she know...

A clapped out old Mini was weaving its way through the congested traffic on the North Circ. The driver and his passenger were late for a Quantitative Methods lecture at Southgate Technical college. The driver was the son of the front-man of a 60's band who supported Cliff Richard at a Royal Albert Hall concert attended by the mother of the occupant of the black Bentley with police escort which the two Mini occupants - at this point - knew nothing about. The passenger was the great-great-grandson of the man who painted the 'Light of the World' hanging in St. Paul's Cathedral which had hosted the wedding ceremony of the brother of the occupant of the black Bentley with police escort which the two Mini occupants - at this point - knew nothing about.

The driver of the Mini decided to take a right hand turn off of the North Circular road into a little known and little used back road which had the advantage of cutting off one junction of the North Circular. The road was clear. The Mini driver put his foot down. Up ahead the road widened, there was a left hander - a slightly blind left hander being as the trees lining the road were in full blossom. The driver was white-knuckling it down the road, while the passenger sat beside him. They were both alert, and ready, not having any time at all to gaze out of the window, thinking to themselves what a lovely day it was, and how they were so looking forward to getting a roasting for being late to their Quantitative Methods lecture at Southgate Technical college. It may or may not have been a good day to be alive - they didn't have time to think about that particular issue at the moment either. Little did they know that today would be a good day to die!

Little did they know...

The black Bentley and police escort were going for it in a fairly big way. Nobody except a few local cab drivers knew about this road, so they could do what they liked. And besides, no-one was going to get in the way of a member of the monarchy and a bunch of law-enforcement officers. They had a royal crest on the car, and blue lights on the bikes. They meant business.

The clapped out old Mini was going for it in a fairly big way. Nobody except a few local cab drivers knew about this road, so they could do what they liked. And besides, no-one was going to get in the way of a knackered old motor fit for the scrap heap being driven like a bat-out-of-hell by an 18 year old maniac. They had rust spots on the roof and grey primer on the doors. They meant business.

The two police bikes in front started turning into the right hander. The huge tyres on the bikes which had just been replaced that morning in a routine 1000 mile police service stuck to the road in much the same way that a tiny blob of super glue sticks your finger and thumb together - ie. very well.

The Mini started turning into the left hander. The skinny tyres on the car that had never been replaced since the car was bought second-hand from a bloke in Stoke Newington stuck to the road in much the same way that a wet bar of soap sticks to your hand when you try and grab it in the bath - ie. not in the slightest bit well at all.

The black Bentley with police escort turned into the bend, aiming at clipping the dotted white line apex of the corner for maximum efficiency.

The clapped out old Mini turned into the bend, aiming at maybe staying on the right side of the road if possible. The front started to run wide, the car started sliding sideways towards the middle of the road. At this point the driver thought to himself, "It's a good job there's nothing coming the other way, because this could get nasty."

It was then that the two police bikes at the front and the Mini driver and occupant spotted each other. "Oh, poo. Police." said the passenger of the clapped-out old Mini.

This was the point where everything went into slow motion:

• The Mini driver stuffed his foot down to try and compensate for the understeer.
• The Mini persisted for a moment on staying on the wrong side of the road.
• The Mini driver put as much left-hand lock on as he dared.
• The two bike riders at the front expertly adjusted their course just enough to avoid collision with the car without resulting in throwing themselves off of their bikes.
• The Mini driver and passenger then realised that it wasn't all over yet, as some huge great big black Bentley was right behind the bikes.
• "Oh, poo. Huge great big black Bentley." said the passenger of the clapped out old Mini.
• The Bentley had seen this coming, and (quite deftly for a big car) took the corner a bit wider than had first been envisaged.

This was the point where everything went into very slow motion:

• The Mini driver held his line.
• The Bentley chauffeur adjusted, then held his line.
• The Bentley passed within inches of the side of the Mini.
• The Mini occupants looked across at the Bentley.
• The Bentley occupant looked across at the Mini.

This was the point where everything stopped for a moment:

• With only a couple of inches, and a couple of sheets of glass separating them, Paul and Jerry, and Princess Anne, stared pale faced at each other. At this point, all three of them realised that this was a moment that would stay with them for the rest of their lives.

Near death experience over, everything then reverted back to normal speed. The Mini driver had applied enough left-hand lock for the car to swerve violently but effectively over to the correct side of the road. The two police bikers at the back had enough time to get completely out of the way, and, had they not been on royal family protection duty would have had ample time to switch their blue lights on, spin round, chase the Mini up the road and nick the driver for driving with undue care and attention.

So, all in all, a lucky day. Princess Anne got to her important engagement on time. Paul (for the moment) continued to keep a clean licence. Jerry managed to keep clean pants.