1. Gaelic, lit. 'Water of Life'. Pronounced ishker-vahr. Whisky to the Scots, Whiskey to the Irish. Described in more detail here.
2. A medium sized pub in Woodlands Road¹, in the West End of Glasgow

Described by some as one of the finest pubs in all Christendom, and by others as looking like a toilet block*. From the outside, it does indeed look a little more discreet than your average pub, with just the sign (with many curly bits) giving the game away. The windows are high and small, and contain stained-glass panes dangling merrily inside. There are small green neon signs above the main doors, that spell words unpronounceable. There are in fact four doorways, corresponding to the four rooms that make up the place. The ones at the ends are fire exits only*. It was not always thus, but for some reason people booking the end rooms got rather miffed by new arrivals wandering through their private function.

And in we go...

Enter through one of the main doorways through the rather narrow double sets of swing doors, and the interior of the place makes itself known. And quite possibly jumps up and down on your head with heavy boots on. There are several aspects of the interior that combine to make up the unique ambience. Bucking the trend to totally revamp every couple of years, Uisge Beatha has evolved over the years to the point where no two chairs are alike and one wall now sports a painting of ... the wall*. Mention of chairs leads us on to...

The furniture

Some pubs have seats with coordinated covers. In some places
they even match the carpet. But not here. The furniture here
generally falls into the category of 'well, it looks roughly like a
chair, we'll use it'. There are benches, chesterfield
sofas, church pews, a chaise lounge, red velvet things and seats
with those woven sisal squab things*. The tables are of venerable and varied
stock, but are generally flat, level and heavy, always a good
thing in a pub. Then there are the 'other' items, such
as a couple of wooden Indians, an old lamppost, a couple of old
dressers, and of course, the piano. These tend to be of a mobile
nature, as the staff like to try and confuse the regulars every
now and again. Which neatly leads us on to...

The staff

The staff are generally fairly good, and service is usually
reasonable. Most of the male staff wear kilts, just in case you
forget that this is a Scottish bar. Other indications of
Scottishness include...

The tartan

Yes, there is a fair amount of this about. Usually draped over
the furniture for no discernible reason. Or indeed, in the case
of one scarf, used to hang an effigy of Mad Mags by the neck*.

The food

Is pretty good, and a bit different from the standard chain
pub fare. Traditional Scottish dishes feature strongly, such as
mince and tatties, neeps (turnips) and haggis etc.

The layout

Being part of a block of terraced flats, the pub is made from
four rooms in a line, all on slightly different levels. Watch out
for the stairs! There are bars in the two middle rooms, although
the top one doesn't usually open until the place fills up a bit.
The two end rooms are sometimes booked for private events, leading to resigned grumbles from the rest of the clientele. The two bars are located in the middle rooms.

The Clientele

Runs the full range from beardy CAMRA* members, through wonky students to besuited office types. And Munchkins.

The wall hangings

On the walls may be found the stuffed heads of many animals, ranging from a humble (but extremely vicious-looking) fox to a bison. Most of these have plaques engraved with something along the lines of 'Col. Henry Farquar-Biggleswade, 1907, Serengeti', and are a testament to the rapacity of man when let loose in darkest Africa with guns. On the plus side, the antlers are handy for hanging Christmas decorations from. There are also paintings of various ages, and talents.

The Whisky

Of which there is a goodly selection, serried in ranks above
the bars. Actually, 'goodly' doesn't really cover the
range present, something like 'oh my gawd' is a more
common description. After all, given the name of the place, what
do you expect? There is also a decent selection of other drinks, including IPA, 80/-, Fraoch and (very occasionally) Orkney Dark Island.

A Testimonial from a regular

Things I don't like are the way the third room (facing into town) becomes impossible to navigate by ten o'clock on a Friday, the disappearance of Gillespies* (yet they keep the mirror to taunt us) and their habit of closing off the top room for parties which I am not invited to. These things are forgiven due to the fact they have never barred me or thrown me out, despite the fact that one of the paintings distinctly says "Ack" on it, due to writing in Whisky on it once. One of my friends was thrown out once, but that was because he tried to have sex with one of the wooden Indians on his stag night.

All in all it is a grand pub, even if it does look a bit like a prison from the outside. Well, used to. They have now put up a sign to say it is a pub, which somewhat ruins the image.

And on that note, sláinte!²