The Mayoral Rant

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Ubiquitous, Brave Olde World (Now that 1984 had long passed without incident, and 2001... well, 2001.)

What is Spring Break, really? A time to sit around, be lazy, read books without having to analyse them (thank God), and space out. This spacing out, of course, attributed in Western Culture to being really lazy and eccentric and in Eastern Culture to having a religious experience, is really weird either way. I do it all the time. It lasts for hours and I don't get any work done. And that's when London comes in.

You see I was listening to Penny Lane. Tears came to my eyes - I'm not kidding. Darnit! Don't you wish you could live on Penny Lane? I put the song on repeat and sat there for at least an hour imagining the bankers waiting at the train station and all the rest. Of course, being brought up in 'Post-Modern' Southern California, I could relate to all of the pretty imagery, such as the blue (mixed with sickly orangish) suburban (where all the gated communities hide) sky (scrapers). All the people that come and go DO stop and say hello. Or, at least, they stop and stare if you've been beaten up or are really hot, or something.

So, while experiencing the fabricated town of my childhood, I thought
'Wow. I want London to be like this. It's the Beatles, after all.'

I want a return to normalcy, Psyched-Out Liverpool Style.

You dig?

All right... This is how I'm gonna do it. Each citizen of London will be designated as one of the characters in the song, Penny Lane. And if I run out of characters, we'll do some from Mr. Kite, too. Now, I won't be picky... you can do it. First come first serve. I have already, however, reserved the role of fireman with the hourglass and picture of the Queen in his pocket and have invented a few more female roles, because 'Pretty Nurse' doesn't seem to be enough for a community with a population of... err... lots. Thus, 'Lots of Pretty Nurses', and I may throw in a sugar plum fairy for good measure.

We will paint all of the buildings the colour of the sky, so it LOOKS like sky. And the fire engine will be painted bright green (can you believe they're turning San Diego's fire engines light green? Apparently it's easier for the eye to recognise in the dark than the colour red). Everyone will wear hats, and little children can play in the street again, because we'll have a proper constable, like in Mary Poppins. Everyone will know everyone else, like in Cheers, and smile at them. We will all be happy, all the time.

There will be an allotted amount of time for spacing out daily, but you may read or hum quietly to yourself if you aren't in the mood. Pink Floyd or something equally cool will quietly float through the city, and any substances (in measured, safe amounts) are permitted.

Wine will taste just a bit sweeter, and will be available for everyone, along with beer. After all;
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy'

B. Franklin.

Everyone will learn to whistle happily. I, sadly, don't know how to whistle at all. I was an 'annoying - habits learning difficulty' child. I can't snap or make other odd noises, either. I just play music very loud to compensate.

Everyone will be able to play music very loud. The houses won't be close together like in San Francisco.

Spiders are pretty. Therefore they will still exist, but no one will learn to be afraid of them, and they won't be poisonous. We'll see them like we see butterflies.

Everyone will have a house. None of this apartment/flat stuff. And a yard and a little dog and a sweet little indoor kitty and maybe a nice bird. And a house for every individual person, or at least a room. If you want to live with someone just rest assured you'll have a place to go when you get pissed off and stuff. That way we won't have to deal with all those bitter relationships. Or bumpkins who'd leave you with nothing.

Any bumpkin who would leave any Londoner with nothing will have their behinds personally booted by me.

There will be a theatre that does way cool productions of Pippin and Much Ado and Rozencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and such.

Everyone will have 'It', (like Clara Bow, not Stephen King) because all you need to have 'It' is to be content.

We will have a town sitar player, and bagpipe accompaniment. And a really sexy guitarist with a really sexy guitar. Fed into a computer, of course, and Alan Moulder to mix it all.

Anyone that p****s off any Londoners' friend will be exiled. If this causes unrest, then they may stay - on the other side of town and with a restraining order - unless they p**s me or my dear friends off personally. If a member of cabinet is pissed off the offender will be exiled immediately. If a holder of high office, such as the Vice Mayor, Personal Advisor, or Mayor's mum is p****d off, the offender will be put in a dark room and forced to perform endless numbers of upper level calculus problems at the Mayor's discretion. They will then be humiliated in some silly way and subsequently exiled.

We'll have a town chocolate factory, that gives the entire town chocolate for free.

We'll have a sports team, cricket or something else not very weird. They won't get arrested for beating their wives like that new dude from the Padres just did, because they'll be human and not do that sort of thing. Whenever they win (and they always will win), we will bellow 'We Are the Champions' from every corner. On key, like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, only having more fun.

I don't think we'll be called Penny Lane, though. That's a bit hackneyed. I'm thinking Fenchurch Drive. Or just A Warm Place.

I need a nap, now. Thanks for your time.

(What a suitable ending, I think!)

Disclaimer: Vacation Time. Float.

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