h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Are good places to write

The one thing to remember about trains is to look out for their distinctive plumage. The Greater GNER is a common visitor to the East Coast whilst the Lesser Spotted Virginus is hardly seen due to delays and cancellations.

Look out for the complex behaviour of train users when obtaining seats.

The advanced train user, over the height of five foot four, must obtain a seat at a table in order to not suffer from the extreme pain and eventual loss of feeling in the lower legs. The ideal seating arrangement is to have two people at a table with four seats sitting on opposite sides of the table one on the aisle, one at the window, therefore maximising leg space.
It is essential that the two people do not organise this or communicate in any way, above the background hubbub of grunts, "oops" and "sorry!"s.

It is maintained silently and knowingly using years of experience.

One Day trains are Goner run on time.

You are goner pay, to ride on this train, sonny.

Puns I got , Branes I ain't.

Other Complex Behaviour for the use of trains

Is the Platform position waiting for your train to arrive.
Within the platform and just before yet not directly opposite
a Carriage door.
Like this departing passengers may exit the coach
and you get first pick of any vacated seats

With Regular Commuting ,

The practice of only waking up when the train slows to a Stop,
Followed by being able to recognise the line side scenery,
and work out you location, and return to sleep,
Only that special clatter before your Stop will motivate you to the door.

The practice is usually snookered by Alcohol consumption.

It has been muted that there are big trains and little trains.
The little trains are known as narrow gauge and have their own unique time line usually leaving well after the promised time on the timetable (if at all), taking much longer between stops than promised and possibly not actually stopping where you want (or somtimes stopping where they want).
It may be that the bigger trains may also obey these rules.