A Message from the Mayor

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And now, London, a live message from your Virtual Mayor. Again.

Ladies and gentlemen, you may have noticed that I haven't been keeping in touch with you as regularly as ideally possible. This is because this isn't ideally possible.
'But why?'

You may ask.
'Why isn't it ideally possible if it's ideally possible?'

Well, friends, this is because ideals aren't under normal circumstances possible. Soon, however, I will have this problem I have entitled the 'ideal' paradox fixed. In the meantime, I have something of the utmost concern to address:

Physics sucks.

Now, I'm not talking about all physics, or even most physics. I'm talking about the 'already proven wrong but continually studied by intolerable people who can't let go of their abnormally smart probably dangerously powerful TI 9823457863 calculator' physics. These people whistle a lot! I have, in the past few weeks, observed a quick and painful deterioration in the morale of my home city when an article in the Reader (an independent weekly magazine/newsletter which keeps yellow journalism alive, but has got really good comics) appeared linking the chancellor of UCSD (a physicist), his wife (a physicist), The Padres (a disappointing baseball team with a really hot catcher who's really, really hot), lots of money (which physics professors, for some reason, make) and the MAFIA! I was already aware of this, but now the masses have the information. And it's CHAOS, I tell you, absolute CHAOS! As
you can see, this is all because of physics. Don't get it? Allow me to

UCSD is twisted. Trust me, I know. They made a computer out of a lobster's brain, for deity's sake! And the chancellor is a physicist! Now, according to some physicist from Germany... or somewhere, energy is the potential to do work. (This is wrong. Any sensible person would go by the definition used in chemistry, and therefore knows that the correct definition for 'energy' is the potential to create HEAT.) Anyhow, they state that it is the potential to do work.
This means that physicists are connected to the MAFIA, eat really stale 'Triscuts' for fuel, and always have weird hair.

Another example: I accidentally wrote 'ion', instead of 'in', on a literature quiz. This is the sort of error I make often, as I never reread my own work. Now, I would have settled for a red mark or something, but the TA insisted on writing 'this is not physics (happy face)' on the paper. Some physicist from Norway, or something, once said that matter is never ever created or destroyed, but I was quite sure that if I were another person at another time, that particular TA's matter would be destroyed forever, just for writing the word
'physics' on an otherwise beautiful paper. Physics turns even the nicest people to the Dark Side. To Evil!

I know these stories are disturbing, friends. Some physicist named Tom, or something, came up with a little gem I like to call the Heisenburg Uncertainty Principle. This states that you can never be certain whether physics will invade and destroy YOUR town. I, however, feel it is my DUTY to SAVE you, the London population, from such a toxin. That is why I have installed in my cabinet Frustreren, my Official Physicist Beater - Upper. London, your life is safe with me. Trust me. No physicist from Angora, or elsewhere, can prove my love for you wrong. And that's the truth.

After all, I know what I'm talking about1.

Thank you for your time.

(Next up: Brunettes and pornography. Why I feel under-represented and just a bit hostile, and what London can do to make me feel better.)

The Virtual Mayor of London Election Archive

Fenchurch M Mercury

06.03.00. Front Page

Back Issue Page

1Really, I do. (Disclaimer: The Virtual Mayor of London is a young female
from Southern California, like that place the Beach Boys an' TuPac used to sing of. It is recommended you do not take anything she says into serious consideration, she has no idea what she's talking about.)(I’ll go along with that... ed.).

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