h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Be especially careful when operating a chain saw!

Or a wood chipper..

And for god's sake, please try to keep those fires under control.

You should not "knock on wood" when in the forest because creating deafness in wood sprites could potentially disrupt the entire philosophical balance of the forest.

The job of wood sprites is to listen to trees falling in the forest, thereby insuring that there actually is a sound. If a tree falls over and there is no sound, the philosophical ecology of the forest becomes unbalanced and another tree falls down in order to compensate for the missing sound. Then there is a domino effect until all of the trees have fallen down. Eventually there are no more trees to fall over and the forest is totally silent. Then the wood sprites would have to move somewhere else and get different jobs, like being phone sanitizers.

That's very interesting. I've always felt that there is something fundamentally important about the noise you make when you work, apart from irritating late risers.

I've always had a subconscious aversion to the noise of chainsaws, even though it is often great fun to make a racket. It feels important not too.

I do most of my work with a little hand saw.

Depending on what the job is this is a good philosophy. In a small sense this is quite appropriate, like sawing wood to make a house, etc. But when it comes to chopping down a redwood (or any other tree for that matter) it becomes unfeasible. Not only would you be there for days, but there is every possibility the saw would bcome trapped in the tree. However, I believe trees shouldn't be chopped down on a whim, only if they are "sick" or come from a sustainable source. I'm not a tree lover, I just think it makes sense to let them go onbeing there. After all, the woodland sprites need somewhere to live too.

I am a tree lover. I make no bones about it.

The cutting I do is generally surgical in nature; as opposed to felling trees for harvest.

As you suggest, there are times when it would be silly to use a little saw... even sillier to use scissors. But on all but the silliest occassions, I prefer to leave my chainsaw in the shed.

Reminds me of one of the many classic lines from Monty Python and the Holy Grail:

You must bring us another shrubbery...... and then cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with.....
A HERRING!

(sorry about all my film and TV quotes, it's just how I've grown up)

Me too... and it's scary how often a line from MP seems to fill the void.

...NI!

Perhaps wood sprites become hard of herring as part of a defense mechanism to protect themselves from the destructive potential of pickled fishes.

(Yes, I realize that truly awful puns are reprehensible, but I do wish that you would put down that chain-saw. Please! I promise not to do it again. Put down the saw. Put down the saw. Thank you.)

What I meant to say is that smorgasbord safety is an important issue. Nine of ten Viking warriors first learned how to pillage by playing with herrings when they were lttle boys. We must teach our children that herring is not a toy, and neither is smoked salmon. Just ask any bagel where it got that hole through its middle and it usually turns out that the lox was the culprit while the cream cheese was just an innocent bystander.

Oh, Stellabella! There's a special place in heaven - where the really good drinks are served - set aside for punsters.

Callahan's Bar?

With a sunset view of Lake Erie?

I cant understand what sawing chains has got to do with flavoured carbonated water. But I wood like a beer.

Well, stick a firkin up your jerkin and meet us in the woods!

What happens if I just 'touch' wood, as opposed to 'knocking' on wood? Does this just grab the sprites attention, raise their heckles slightly, or just piss 'em off?

BTW: when writing this originally, I mistakenly type 'would' instead of 'wood'. What does this tell us? Nothing, probably, except you could end up with sentences like: you would touch wood wouldn't you if you would wish to wish a woody woodpecker would whisk you away with a woody wood from a golf bag, wouldn't you? Maybe that's just a 'W' thing...

After pondering at great length I have come to the conclusion that the response will be in proportion to the nature of the touch. Quite probably a knock will have the same effect as sitting in a garbage bin with the lid on and someone whacking it with a stick.

Once upon a time, a younger John-the Gardener pruned some pear trees, relics of a bygone orchard. The very next day, one of the trees lay broken on the grass. It was like a stage prop. Carpenter ants had reduced it's rotten (not a value-judgement) core to paper. The wood sprites must have laughed their tiny arses off.

Im fighting hard not to make puns about pear and repair

Or, of course, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck....