h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is a well-written piece. It is involving, and moves along at a good pace. I think that you sometimes over-qualify things, and need to focus on whose point of view this is, and what they know.

For example, in the opening paragraph there are two descriptions, "fluffy white clouds hang in the sky in more or less the way one would expect them to", and "the moon is also up in the sky ... as a landmark it is uninteresting". In both cases, all you've told us is that the clouds and the moon are where we would expect them to be, and that the moon "is uninteresting". If they are doing nothing unusual, and the crowd haven't noticed them, then it's probably best not to mention them.

You also use the word 'apparently' several times, mostly to describe people. This suggests that the narrator doesn't know these people - they appear to be in their mid-thirties, for example. Yet the narrator does know who the second Isaac is, and why he's here.

You also describe Isaac as "of the fair-haired variety" - what's wrong with "fair-haired"? That might seem a bit too simple, but I would make two points: if the colour of the character's hair is not that important, it should be relayed as simply as possible; if it needs to be highlighted for some reason, then tell us something about it, for example "as fair as grass at the end of a drought".

Overall, I think that if you focus on the scene - ask yourself who is describing it, what they know and what is important - and simplify some of the descriptions, then you have the start of a good story.

Hope this helps.

Hi there Myoclonicjerk

Thanks for your comments. This piece is an entry for the h2g2 Post's "The Stretcher" - see <./>A48594784</.> - the style I've used may make more sense with this in mind.

Alex