h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*helmsley and the live-in staff have painstakingly decorated the family room for the Black Family Holiday Reunion. this is a milestone in the Black family history, as they rarely get together out of fear of being wiped out by superheroes. the Black family comes from one of the oldest (and largest) evil lineages in the universe- they have many allies and twice as many enemies. they are coming together for the first time for the holidays, as well as for a more sinister purpose: to kill the rebel Angel, who has dishonored the Black family heritage by becoming (or attempting to become, anyway) a superhero. naturally Angel is blissfully unaware of their sinister intent*

*sea's family begins to arrive. first are lucifer and elvira black, sea's parents*

*NYC, after having been blown to bits and regenerated recently in the factory, decides to enter and see just what a super-villian dynasty is like*

hello.

*lucifer looks at NYC and raises an eyebrow*

[lucifer] *to sea* and who is THIS?

[sea] *slightly embarassed* dad, this is my friend NYC. he's a member of STUMPED. *whispers* he's a supervillain too.

*lucifer immediately warms*

[lucifer] aah, how nice to meet you, young man.

*he holds out his hand*

*NYC shakes the outstretched hand*

nice to meet you too. so, umm, how long has your family been in the villiany business?

*lucifer smiles an evil and slightly chilling smile*

[lucifer] since the dawn of time, before the mountains and before the sea....

*sea interrupts, pulling NYC away*

[sea] daddy, let's not scare him...

*sea's uncles, jack and gabriel enter*

[sea] look, daddy, it's uncle jack and uncle gabriel! go say hi...

*sea pushes her father towards them as her mother sees the commotion and comes over*

[elvira] what is all this? who are you? hopefully not sea's boyfriend... she's too young! she's only 150.....

[sea] *from across the room* MOTHER!!!!!!!!!

150? sea? you don't look it...

[sea] thank you.... it comes naturally. but then again, my mother doesn't look 15,000, now does she?

*her mother, who doesn't look a day over 35, blushes profusely and goes to greet her brothers*

*the rest of sea's family arrives, and the ceremony begins. everyone dons black hooded robes (including NYC) and stands in a circle. on sea's left is NYC, on her right is angel, and on angel's right is evillene. sea lowers her hood. there is a ritual dagger up her right sleeve*

[sea] friends and family, we have gathered here all the free members of the black family for the first time in history. we have come for one single purpose.

*evillene lowers her hood*

[evillene] to kill angel.

*it takes angel a moment to realize what is happening, and by then sea and evillene have grabbed him by the arms*

[angel] noooooooooo!

[sea] you have committed heinous crimes against your family, your bloodline, and your destiny.

[evillene] for these things you deserve to die.

*sea holds up the dagger. angel's eyes widen in terror*

[angel] n-no! you c-can't! y-you CAN'T!

[sea] we can.

[evillene] we are.

*sea holds up the arm with the dagger and prepares to kill angel*

*NYC smiles. he begins to wish sea was related to UH*

*sea grins for a moment as she watches the terror in angel's eyes*

[sea] *whispers* this is what you get for convincing mom that i needed to go to kindergarten with that psycho teacher. i STILL have traumatic memories.

[angel] I'LL BE EVIL! I'LL BE EVIL!

*sea stops. she looks at angel suspiciously*

[sea] do you give your word as a Black that you will renounce all good and be evil for as long as you might live?

[evillene] be forewarned that if you are caught doing anything good, it shall be your last action upon this earth.

[sea] do not take this pledge lightly.

*angel looks around him at all the villains, who have watched the proceedings quietly. he swallows and looks at the murder in sea's eyes*

*angel lowered his head*

[angel] i will be evil.

*sea lowered her hand with the dagger still in it. she turned to face her family*

[sea] you all have heard his pledge.

[lucifer] elvira and i will take him back to transylvania with us. we will teach him the ways of the evil once again.

*the family lowers their black hoods. a time of feasting and rejoicing is now upon them. angel looks slightly pale*

*NYC brightens up*

did I hear feasting?

*fragrant aromas drift over from a long table at one end of the room. the table is piled high with food*

[sea] *pointing* yep. all you can eat. over there.