h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Do you think being a virgin is cool?"
No. As far as I can tell, many teenagers think having sex with as many people and as often as possible is 'cool'. How do I know? I AM a teenager, and although most of my friends have more sense, a lot of teens really do follow this principle.
I find the government's campaign to make virginity 'cool' laughable. Don't tell kids it's COOL, tell them the consequences, damnit! Sure, sex is great, but the act of intercourse is one small part of a package...


"Is sex education the duty of schools or parents?"
It is the duty of anyone in a position which means that kids will listen to them and respect their opinions.


"Should the age of consent be raised or lowered?"
It DEFINITELY shouldn't be lowered, because while many people DO have sex before the legitimate age, an age of consent is at least another barrier. Without the law, kids will have less to make them think - if there's no law against it, they can't get into REAL trouble for it... can they?


"Is waiting until you are married before having sex an outdated notion?"
Yes, it is. It is in that the majority of people no longer support it. Personally, I think if people stuck to a monogamous (married or not, straight or gay) relationship, the spread of STDs and viruses such as AIDS would be dramatically reduced. If one partner of a married couple had an STD, the virus would be confined to them and his or her partner - and so would get no further. In theory, this would significantly reduce the spread. If marriage is still a commitment to a monogamous relationship, then I would support the notion. However, I think that it is an unrealistic one as, as we have seen, people are very unlikely to stick to it. After all, it's instinct.


"Does the media put pressure on teenagers to be sexually active?"
Well, doesn't it put EVERYONE under that pressure? I'd say one of the biggest influences is _other teens_. I would also say that, come to think of it, yes it does. Just not me. I'm, as hardcore punk band Minor Threat said "out of step"... The teenage girl's (not that I read them, *ahem*) mags are FULL of sex. Newspapers are too. As is teen-focused TV (the turgid Dawson's Creek and the gratingly hip Hollyoaks are some examples). And don't even start me on the farce of so-called "ladism". It seems to me that the 'stereotypical lad' is a complete git. I hope I'm not one of them. A lot of attention is put on being able to pull, on sleeping with the best looking women... and their friends... and sisters... and in extreme cases, mothers...


"Is it all a matter of hormones?"
Of course it is, to an extent. Take away hormones, and the majority of Channel 5's (American readers: C5 is a new low in British television, resorting to brainless day-time rubbish back to back with soft porn in the evenings) late night viewing figures would be severely depleted.
But "hormones" is not, in my book, an excuse for acting irresponsibly.


"Should underage teens be given confidential contraceptive advice?"
Yes. But before they are, they should be told EVERYTHING about sex, and be firmly asked if it's what they should be worrying about so early on in life.


"Is this a issue for politicians, or should they be concentrating on more important things?"
Yes, it is, but as usual they will completely misjudge the public and flail ineffectively trying to appeal to a young audience.


I wish to point out that I certainly do not think sex is "bad". On the contrary, I intend to be doing plenty of it when the time is right. Monogamy may be a lot to ask, but if a stable and long-term relationship is not viable at a young age, why bother with sex so young? Contraception can never be 100% effective all the time. It doesn't always protect against disease, and it has no control over the emotions. Being used for sex and being cast aside later must be awful - to one party, the relationship may have meant much more than to the other. I think the ease of getting an abortion may have influenced the rise in teenage pregnancy, and while I do not think it should be banned I do not think that it should be viewed so passively. That said, it is a great shame when a child is not wanted or properly cared for - it ruins at LEAST two lives. And what REALLY P*sses me off is when a bloke leaves his partner with a baby because he "isn't ready" or whatever. THIS is why I think a really committed relationship is most important, and why, yes, teenagers should wait at least until they're in a long-term relationship before having a sexual one.

Phew. Now THAT's a rant!

Wow, that was a rant...

But you made a couple, er quite a lot of, good points....
Sex-education is bad. Very bad in fact.... When I was in school, not that long ago, all we were told was the mechanics... almost nothing about STDs, contraception and all that...
I hang around in another german online-community quite often, that deals with love, sex, relationships... You would wonder how often I have answered to the question if there are different sizes for condoms and similar things....

I mean HELLO, aren´t the kids supposed to learn that at school, or from their parents?

Chili, sex-educator

I go to an English school that also happens to be a Roman Catholic school. As a direct result of this, I know all the biological details of sex, but nothing about contraception. As a result, I have to ask my parents about that kind of thing, which is very embarrasing. Fortunately, my Mum is very open-minded, but it still angers me to be taught next to nothing practical about sex.

How the hell do politicians go about making virginity seem cool? I live in the middle east at the moment and so I'm not up do date on this stuff. I have to say that as an outsider, and on face value, it sounds absolutely hilarious.

And yes, I am a teenager...

A word to all adults:

Do not try and tell me anything is cool, least of all being a virgin, unless you want me to instantly detest that thing. Surely you yourself can remember when your parents and elders tried to connect with your generation, tried to 'speak your language'? What did you do? You laughed and ignored them. What we will do? Laugh and ignore you.

There has to be a better way of getting the message across.

The first thing I suggest is don't make it so taboo, and therefore another chance for teenage rebellion. In France they (apparently) let their children drink (a small glass of wine at dinner) from very young ages. The result - there is little to no problem with underage drinking. Surely the same TYPE of logic can apply here.

Now I am not saying that teenage sex should be permitted from a young age. But if you talk about it, and are open about it, it's not going to remain a thing of mystery and intrigue. Do not give us games like Tomb Raider, shows like Dawsons Creek (Neighbours for a bit more realism), music like Britney Spears (who had the brilliant claim of being a born-again virgin), magazines, fashions, movies and ads that all focus and revolve around sex and sexual assertiveness and expect us not to want to try it for ourselves.

Tell us what's going on. Tell us everything. Tell us again.

That hour long session on puberty in Year 8 is not enough.

And yes tell us about contraception. PLEASE tell us about contraception. Familiarise us with it. Make us practice using it (obviously, within reason..... okay maybe this is going a bit far). Do not make it so difficult, embarassing and overwhelming that we will decide it is not worth the effort - because that is exactly what will happen.

You cannot ignore it in the hope that it will go away and won't happen. Grow up and act responsibly towards the youth of the world. You know you don't like the way your parents handled the situation, do something about it!!

Now, I don't know if I can still claim to be part of the group this argument refers to - I've just turned 18 and I'm only beginning to draw the attention of guys around me. But this is what s**ts me about the way adults handle this situation.

Here endeth my rant.

Yes, RangaKoo is most wise.
I agree with everything he said.

That's a good rant, RangaKoo. Can you tell me what you think of my strategy of sex education for my (potential) kids?

First, if I ever have kids, this is what I will do: I will tell them about reproduction and sex and love as soon as they can understand it - say, age four or five. I will tell them that, from the age of about nine onwards, they will start thinking seriously about their own sexuality, that between the ages of twelve and sixteen their genitals will develop, and that at that stage they will develop a strong sexual urge. So they will know what is going to happen long before the time, and when it does, they will not be puzzled or embarassed about it. When they hit puberty, I will then start telling them about sex in detail. I will tell them how to meet and become involved with girls or guys, and I will support them in their efforts. I will tell them about the biology and physics of sex, but I will also tell them about the emotional aspects. I think that si the most badly neglected part of sex education - sex is about feelings, not a bunch of facts about anatomy! I will tell them about the pitfalls: peer pressure, STD's, rape, pregnancy, abuse, performance problems, relationship problems. I will tell them about all forms of contraception, and talk to them about their relationships and sex lives.

Personally I will encourage my children not to break the laws of the country. I don't know what South Africa's law of sexual consent is, but suppose the age is 18 - I don't think it will be too tough for the kids to wait until then; in the meantime they can meet lots of potential lovers, they can date, dance, make out without going all the way, discuss sex, learn about it, anticipate it, and work out their own feelings. I will encourage them to read romantic books as well as factual books, so they can form an idea of what they REALLY want from a relationship - what is realistic, what is possible, what is desirable. But porn is not good guidance! What I don't like about porn is how the women are nothing more than objects, there aren't really deep feelings, and there is no intimacy - intimacy means that you focus on your lover, and him/her alone - something you can't do while performing for the camera!

When my kids start having sex, whatever their age, I'll encourage them to start thinking about where they want to go with it. What about marriage, and monogamy? I think a small amount of sexual experimentation before marriage can be good; I also am not sure that people ought to be compelled to stay together or exclusive to each other for their entire lives. I do believe that if people want to have children, they should marry or at least solemnly promise each other to stay together; they must be fairly sure that they can stand each other before they do that. Because divorce is terribly for kids. An important aspect of marriage is that the parents should both bear the responsibility for caring for their kids; therefore I think people should stay together long enough to raise their children. But they should also stay together because they are commited to each other - it should not be merely for the sake of the kids. I think people must be dedicated, disciplined and patient when it comes to marriage or long-term relationships. When your kids start thinking about sex, you must also explain the long-term consequences of it to them; often they don't think of it.

The law of the age of sexual consent is, in my view, an important one, because it protects young children from being sexually abused and exploited by adults. Whould you be comfortable if you had a daughter of thirteen years old and some horny old guy was trying to persuade her to have sex with him, manipulating her feelings and putting ideas into her head? Like it or not, teens or pre-teens have often not yet developed sufficient strength of character to resist manipulation and exploitation. But, of course, age alone is not a reliable measure of adulthood, confidence and moral strength. At least by setting the limit at sixteen or eighteen there's a bigger chance that the person will know what he/she is doing, or what is being done to him/her.

Do you think this kind of information would constitute valuable sex education?

By the way - people must also be told that celibacy IS a workable option. Sex is not as basic as eating and drinking and breathing and sleeping - you can survive without having sex for eighty years or more, but without the previous four you'll have trouble. There are more ways of becoming intimately involved with other people than by having sex with them. Many of the most valuable human relationships are not sex based - such as between parents and children, between friends, between mentors and students. There are many activities apart from sex that are extremely enjoyable and rewarding. So sex is not prohibited, but neither is it compulsory. I have chosen to refrain from sex for the time being, so as to avoid becoming to engrossed in my own physicality, so that I can devote myself to bigger causes that will benefit lots of people and other living creatures instead. Because, if I go for sex, I will do it wholeheartedly and will have little time for anything else. I first want to achieve a few things in different terrains; for me, waiting is no problem; nobody forced it onto me, it does not follow from my religious convictions, it is a choice I made myself, after making sure of all the relevant matters as well as I can. I'm 28, still a virgin, and one hundred percent satisfied with my condition. Cool or not cool, who gives a damn?

*stands and applauds*

I'm deeply impressed that you can refrain from sex until the age of 28 and not feel bad about it. I'm 16, I've decided that if I haven't had sex by the time I'm 20 then I'm going to kill myself. I'm not being over-emotional. I'm not being melodramatic. It is a carefuly calculated decision.

The desire for sex is my life. The only thing that keeps me going is the belief in the possibility that I may actualy have sex one day. Some people can be happy doing pathetic little jobs for the rest of their life, others wouldn't be able to handle it. Same thing here...

If the only thing that keeps you going right now is the desire to have sex some day, what are you going to do AFTER that day has arrived? Kill yourself? Or are you going to have a different reason to keep yourself going then?

I think it would be silly to kill yourself if you haven't had sex by age 20, because then it means you will never have had sex in your entire life! But if you stay alive, then you still have a chance. I would think that looking forward to sex can keep you going just as easily after 20 as before, don't you think?

Anyways, if you start dating seriously and work on getting along with other people and finding stuff out, you'll most probably be able to solve your problem before too long. But you must also find a different goal for your life for the day when having sex is no longer a problem for you.

As a 26 year old, I guess I would be considered a past master or elder in most of your eyes here.

It amuses and bemuses me that you have set yourself deadlines to meet and achieve on your quest for sex. I don't rember doing that when I was younger.

Your urges are very strong, I mean, they have to be to kick start you into the transition from child to adult and all the baggage that goes with it.

You are also biologically entering you most prolific reproduction stage with your body clock screaming out at you to reproduce.

But hey, what the hell do I know anyway

I'm sorry Jamie, but I've got to say that is VERY unhealthy. How can you claim that the desire for sex is your life when you have never experienced it? Sure you are experienceing natural urges right now, but they are still two very different things.

Surely you have just seen the way it has been portrayed and thought "I want in!!". There has to be more to life. What happens if you are unable to perform? What happens if you have an accident later in life? What if your first time is really nothing special (as it reportedly often is due to the lack of experience problem)? What then as your dreams come crashing around you?

You can't just set yourself one goal and especially not this. If nothing else it is disasterous socially. Rethink your life!!!!

There are a lot of problems with what's commonly referred to as 'sex-education'. One thing is for certain, it's certainly better now than it was in my parents generation.

Teaching biological facts (what goes where and the like) is all well and good ("and the egg and sperm join") but this still leaves giant gaps in people's minds. It is inevitable when making decisions about sex and relationships that you're going to have to make decisions of a kind that you've never made before. For someone doing this for the first time, it is a bit scary.

Some people prefer not to talk about it at all, some just want some friendly words of reassurance that going with your feelings is an okay thing to do. Others want to know some practical tips (i.e. how the hell do you get your parents out of the house so we're not interrupted).

What should be said/taught/talked about is how to make decisions that are right for you! Not right for a religous belief - but right for the person making them. It's what i've always said, if it doesn't make you happy and you don't feel right doing it - don't do it!

Parents can also be a great help/hinderance. I know you just want to have the best for your children but there are times where you should let them sort some things out for themselves, but make sure they realise that you're there no matter what. Screaming at them is never an answer here. It's just going to create stress at an already stressful time. Especially if this time is anywhere around high school.

If you made a film about 2 people heading towards their first sexual encounter - you would have a box-office smash comedy. You can know anatomy and 'what goes where' inside out but it still takes at least some practice to get things going smoothly.

That being said - i have 2 agree with the statement that setting such goals is silly. but holding up the 'first time' as having to be perfect is also silly. as i said in last post, if it feels right, do it. Don't say 'no' 'cause you want everything to be perfect there - it's not going to happen - there will always be faults and this is what makes it special. you can look back at it and point out all the strange stuff that you didn't know.

set the goal of following what you feel is right

What all of you folks must remember is that sex is powerful stuff!! It is not for the faint-hearted! It is not to be taken lightly! Because sex involves some of the most intense feelings that a person can have, it can also hurt you worse than almost anything else. That doesn't mean you must avoid it, but it means you must know what you're in for, so that you can take proper precautions. It is stupid to take unnecessary high risks if you can avoid them. That is why you must be emotionally and intellectually mature when you start having sex. So you can understand what you are doing, so you will have the necessary self-discipline and responsibility to do what is right for yourself and for the people you have relationships with.

You all know about STD's and about pregnancy - I hope. But there are also other problems that are more subtle. One of the worst things that can happen is that you can get involved with a person who will be totally wrong for you, who will end up using sex as a weapon against you, something to manipulate you with. That is why your relationships should never be about sex alone. Many people divorce because they married for the sake of sex, but had nothing else in common; in the end, instead of uniting them, the sex just becamse a barrier that prevented real intellectual and emotional intimacy. Or a woman can use sex to get money and favours from the man, or the man can abuse the woman and cheat on her and use her as a status symbol to impress his friends, but she stays with him because she can't get "love" anywhere else. As if this can be called love!

This happens incredibly frequently. There are so many disastrous relationships that nevertheless go on and on and on, destroying the lives of two people and whatever children they have, but they cannot break out of the pattern. This is not the way things should be. In an intimate relationship, the two people should fulfill each other, not break each other down.

So you must look beyond sex. It must not be so important to you that it can take over your life and, as a consequence, somebody else can use it to control your life.

More important than sex, is the person you're having it with, and that person's feelings are just as important as your own. So do what you feel is right, but find out if the other side feels the same, too.

And here's another problem you probably don't hear very often about! If somebody asks you to start a serious relationship with him/her, and you don't really want to, you must say no!!! On TV, whenever a guy proposes marriage to a girl, she says yes! It is expected of her to say yes! But what if she doesn't really want to? She might say yes only because she doesn't want to disappoint the guy, because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings or let down everybody who wants and expects her to answer yes. This sounds silly, but it actually happens! There's so much pressure against saying "no" that she would need incredible strength of character to be able to do it. And also, suppose she likes the guy, she likes him a lot, but not enough to want to marry. Then "no" might feel like too strong a word, and she finds herself saying "yes"! This can happen, people, and don't you doubt it, it is a HUGE mistake! A guy can make a similar mistake. You don't start a serious relationship because you "kinda, sorta" want to, or because you have a crush on someone, or because you want to have sex, or because you are afraid you will never find someone else who will love you. You start a serious relationship because you have thought long and hard and deep and many times about what it would be like to spend a very big part of your life with that person, and after all of that consideration you have decided that that is what you want more than anything else in the world. Got it?

Som valid points but for (insert favourite diety expression here) sake, it's sex - not becoming a siamese twin with someone!

Sure you can get hurt, feel the worst you ever have but the other end - the positive end - consisting of love (and lets face it, whoever heard of a bad orgasm?) has got to say something.

If you don't get hurt, if you don't make mistakes then you can never learn. How does a child learn to walk? It doesn't sit down for 20 years thinking about all the problems walking can lead to (falling down, hitting head, bumping into doors) it has a go - it does what it feels comfortable with! Sure, it falls over (and sometimes cries) but this is what's called LEARNING!

Sex is sex, and just like anything else it can hurt you. but it's not (insert favourite utopian vision here)!!

But it can also bring you the best feelings that humans know. the good far outweigh the bad (because otherwise, nature would have evolved some other form of reproduction for us). If it wasn't fun it wouldn't exist! I think this could be what we've missed in this discussion - it's meant to be a fun activity with someone you care about (and even better if you love them). Sure, it's okay purely for pleasure too.

P.S. Women don't always say yes

and why is Buffy the most realistic teen drama? (waiting for RangaKoo to sigh

You're right - sex is the way that nature invented for us to reproduce. And it is fun so that we will be encouraged to reproduce. After all, every one of us had parents, and our parents had a sex drive, and they had sex, and so here we are - and we inherited their genes for wanting to have sex.

But is reproduction fun? I don't mean sex, I mean reproduction - actually bringing a child into the world and raising and supporting him/her. It's not fun. It's tough. It keeps you very busy for many years - often for the rest of your life. But in the end it is also much more than fun - it is extremely rewarding in a deep sense, it is a way to continue your genes, including the fun you get from having sex, and everything else about you. And it's also much more than that - you have a kind of bond with a child that you cannot have with anything else; even your parents will tell you you won't know what love a parent has for a child until you have one of your own.

So reproduction (not sex) is serious stuff. So, if sex is all about reproduction, would sex not also be serious stuff? Even if sex does not always lead to reproduction, the mere fact that it is related to reproduction makes it something very important. And, in my experience, important things always carry benefits and risks that are related. The greater the benefit, the greater the attendant risks.

People don't always have to learn by making mistakes. People can learn by listening what other people have to say, too. Babies can't yet understand what people have to say, so they have to learn by (often painful) experience. But they have a built-in instinct for learning to walk, and it's not really THAT dangerous. You don't hear of many babies dying from accidents while learning to walk, do you? Well, here where I live millions - and I do not exaggerate - of people are dying from accidents while having sex. See, nature is not always that kind and benevolent - it gives you the sex drive, and also the virus that is transmitted by sex. You don't have an instinct to tell you about all the things that can go wrong, and the things that can go wrong can kill you - so you'd better pay some attention to cautionary tales. That can be the difference between a high risk and a much lower one, for the same benefit.

Consider: there are mistakes you can afford to make, and mistakes you cannot afford to make. If you accidentally bring a child into the world without being able to care for it, that counts as the kind of mistake you cannot afford to make. That is inexcusable, that is something very bad that you do to the mother as well as to the child. When this has happened the first time, it is already too late to learn.

Also, when you catch AIDS for the first time, it is forever too late to learn.

At least if you marry the wrong person for the first time, you can have another chance; even so, it is a pretty bad mistake, and one best not made at all.

I did not say girls always say yes, I said they sometimes say yes when they don't really mean it. Even if it has happened just one time, it is one time too many. And it has happened more than one time, and it will happen again.

Sex is meant to be good clean fun, with somebody you love and care about. But it also, and always, goes deeper than that as well. Don't ignore the deep stuff, the important stuff - make the most of it. And don't believe that nothing can go wrong. Humans are capable of totally messing up even the best of things. So take care. That's all I say.

I shant go into reams and reams of reasons why cos postings too long don't get read.


TUMP, I think your confusing the issue slightly here. Sex is just that...sex. Age, strong urges, hormone cycles and gratifying pleasures are what drives sex.

Love and companionship are something altogether different. It may stem from sex, but do not confuse the two very different beasties!

Hang on a gosh darned minute!!!!!! (consarnit 8^)) Sex should not just be sex!!! And curse society for not making it seem this way.

That's a damned fine way of making sex loose all that makes it special if you view it as something completely removed, or something that is able to be completely removed from love and companionship. There shouldn't be sex without love and companionship for all the reasons that TUMP mentioned (and yes, he was on the right track because all this stuff is related, you can't simply look at one part on its own).

Okay, yes, age, strong urges, hormone cycles and gratifying pleasures are what drives sex, but what drives the desire to have sex with that certain person. Surprise, surprise, it's love and companionship. Sex, when there is no alcohol or smilarly mind altering drugs involved, is the ultimate expressions of your feelings for a person. Or at least it was supposed to be before it fell prey to the decadant culture of the last few decades.

Now sadly it is all too often seen as a challenge. The more the better. No need for meaning or reason other than fulfilling those deep animal urges we like to think we as a species have raised ourselves above.

And MacPlusG3....... Buffy the most realistic teen drama? I know I personally am getting sick and tired of finding that my boyfriends have gone on mad killing sprees and that I yet again have to go and steak 'em..... (you trying to tell me something here?). And honestly, how can you connect the word 'drama' with that show?

Yes, death to any TV show or movie that just confuses or wrongly promotes the issue even more. Bring back stuff like Python and Not The Nine O'Clock News etc. Make things a lot easier (and TV a lot more entertaining)

I'm sorry RangaKoo but I do not agree!

Sex is in general just sex. I agree that in order for most people to engage in sex they have to feel loved and wanted, but it is far from essential.

Speaking as a male, and I do not believe I am unique in this view, sex is very desirable for the reasons quoted above. It is not however essential for the persons engaged in the sexual act to be in love or companions with the other person. This may happen as a consequence of sex but it is not essential that you feel this way before engaging in sex!

I don't want to spout the obvious here, but before sex there is possibly friendship (but not essential), an attraction to that person (physical or mental) and perhaps a common bond. You do not have to be in love. You don't even have to like the person. In fact, many strong long lasting relationships start with the couple disliking each other (probably due to a subconscious bond)

I don't see it as a challenge, but do see it as an achievement. I feel good about myself if I am given the impression that my partner is happy. (whether this is the case is another matter all together).

Unfortunately, no matter how superior the human race feels, we are still programmed to have sex for the simple reason but to keep the species going.

Sid.