How to deal with mosquitos
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
It's a dark and quiet night.
You are lying on your bed, still wearing your trousers, but nevertheless somewhat asleep. Several dreams have just rumbled through your head, when you suddenly wake up and notice something. You notice that you don't notice anything, until you suddenly here the sound:
Bsssssssssssss......
Your head is filled with pictures of long nights standing in the middle of your room, doing nothing but waiting by the light switch for the sound to come again.
...ssssSSSSSSsssss....
The humming is getting louder and louder until the final sound comes:
....sssssssSSSSSSS___!!!!
Everythings quiet. You know exactly that when the humming stops abruptly just after reaching it's climax, the small invisible beast is sitting somewhere on your face. And then you'll react just as always.
Your head shakes furiously, you're arms are thrown upwards bashing the blanket all around you, and your feet start punching temporary holes into the air. This panic attack calms immediately after you have dig yourself up under your blanket and the cushion, and you have some rest in the midst of thick, fluid air, too few space and too many possibilites for the mosquito to reach your skin.
I think nearly everyone succeeded at least once in his life to deadlock himself in his own bed just like that, so here are some tips from me, how to deal with mosquitos in a better way.
At first be sure to do anything so that the mosquitos may not come into your sleeping room. This includes the following steps:
- Close all windows when it is dark outside.
- If you have to open a window, block the passage with a curtain. If you have enough money and live in an area with many mosquitos, be sure to buy a mosquito-net. There are nets for your windows, or nets just for your bed.A net in front of the window makes your whole room safe. A net for the bed is a very unsecure things. On the one hand mosquitos always find some hole where they can fly through. On the other hand if your skin touches the net, they can reach it without getting inside of the net.
- Get some chemical weapon. You can buy some small machine that you just have to plug in, and then it creates a smell that makes the mosquitos think some rival mosquitos is already there or something alike, and makes them avoid your room. The disadvantage is, that it smells very bad and that it may not be very good for your health as well.
- Once I have even heard of some noise that makes mosquitos flee, but that cannot be heard by humans.
But never, never be sure that they won't come through your defenses, simply because they will do. Long years of studying defense tactics showed me, that they even can teleport through closed windows and solid stone walls as it seems.
If you hear a mosquito, scramble like hell towards the light switch.
Don't presume that you'll see the mosquito, just because the light is on.
Keep your glasses beside your bed, and do not forget that you are still half asleep for the rest of the action.
After switching the light on, scan the walls for some small black dots. Don't be too hasty, this step can take hours!
If you see a mosquito DON'T PANIC!
After spotting the mosquito somewhere, there are several methods how to handle the situation you can choose of.
The most rude method, and one that should be avoided by all religious people, is to try to kill the mosquito, This can be done with your hands, your cushions, or any other soft club with which you can hit fast and precisely.
Wait until the mosquito is sitting on something that will not break when you are trying to beat it. Never hit mosquitos when they are sitting on things that are alive, or else you are going to hurt someone!
Avoid any weapons like firearms, baseball clubs, flamethrowers or elselike. If you are an expert in spitting, have a try with your natural weapons, too.
If you have to climb onto something while trying to reach the mosquito, be sure that the things you climb on doesn't have wheels - never forget, the sleep attack can come every second.
If you prefer some better way to ged rid off it, always have two things in your sleeping room: An empty glass and some thick paper. (You can try it with other things, but this is a failsafe method.) Put the glass above the mosquito, push the paper between the glass and the wall until there is no escape for the blood-thirsty insect. Take the glass of the wall, press the paper onto it so that the mosquito cannot escape.
Afterwards pass through at least three doors, and close everyone of them behind you with your knees, legs or elbows. Open a window, drag the paper aside, shake the glass until the mosquito leaves it, and close the window as fast as you can. Some clever guys throw the whole glass out, but you'll get into problems if someone has put his car in front of your house.
Run back towards your sleeping room, and don't forget to not take the shortest way, so as to confuse the mosquito if it succeeded to enter the room already. Maybe make it look like as if you want to run to the kitchen.
Don't forget that the doors are closed, while entering the next room! Close all the doors behind you. Do not mind kicking them aclose, angry neighbours don't want to drink your blood!
Scan the walls inside your room one last time! If there are more than the one you've already banned, try getting them out through another window, and to pass through other rooms.
After doing this whole procedure until there is no more beasts inside of your room, switch the light of, put your glasses back, and lay down again.
And then try to not think of the sound the mosquito made, or you'll be fighting imaginary beasts until sunrise...
