h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Free? Darling I'm always free

Probably because I've never had a boyfriend and finally don't have to spend every waking moment studying for exams but still, always free

I don't think ravaging Scots would be a good idea anyway, you don't know how many different words we've got for giving people a good kicking (A774137)

HelLO.

Well, I've never had a girlfriend for longer than two months (and then only the once) but I'm 24 and ungly to boot. Also I have weird habits involving tying ladies to railway tracks.

Why do villains do that in old films? I mean, sure, it's villainous, but what do they get out of it?

As for ravaging Scots, I would never dream of it, or at any rate, never admit to dreaming of it (often -- specific Scots, needless to say, and NOT Carol ). I am about one-eighth Scottish, personally.

So any large antipodeans running on the SNP ticket round your neck of the woods (or brushy heathery things), then?

followed by a dunt up the erse. Oh pants, or perhaps, breeks.

Well I'm 3/4 Scottish (mostly Glaswegian) 1/8 Irish and 1/8 Belgian...therefore I must be violent, tight and like a drink

Stereotyping at it's best

I don't care about having a boyfriend, they're more trouble than they're worth if you ask me, (I'm all my friends favourite Agony Aunt on the boyfriend front ) closest I've been is my mate Louise asking out my friend Daniel (who I did fancy a lot but wouldn't do anything as he was like a best friend), he said no on the grounds of not wanting to "ruin the friendship"...nice but still a little hurtful.

Aint much talent in our school anyway, all spotty idiots that have toddlers down their pants. lol

SNP evil! Bloody John Swinney! No I'm a labour girl currently...not that it matters, I'm 17, I can't vote!

I know what you mean about agony aunt. I get loads of girls moaning about their boyfriends to me. This is doubly frustrating:

- because it is;
- because none of them ever realise that instead of going out with thoughtless, sex-obsessed morons, they could go out with me (i.e. a thoughtful, sex-obsessed moron -- but one out of three ain't bad).

But for some reason I fit neatly into the "gay friend" stereotype, without the single redeeming feature of actually being gay. So I sit there and nod and smile patiently. And then I go on a violent rampage with a large, bloody axe.

Well, got to go ....

I hate listening to there woes about relationships, I give great advice about relationships, I'm a nice person, I stick up for people, I'm a shoulder to cry on, I'm cheery and chatty and all the good stuff...and I haven't so much as kissed a guy.

I'm a total fraud It makes my friends happy though, and I enjoy helping...I just wish I had some advise that was first hand, tried and tested, rather than pot luck.


Are all men sex obbsessed?

Is it because they have toddlers down their pants that control them?

I know what you mean about the first-hand thing.

It depends what you mean by sex-obsessed. For example, it's not a toddler, but rather a directible waste downpipe, two gamete generators and a tiny source of intensely powerful neurottransmitters. Once the neurotransmitters start hitting other organs, well, that's when the fun starts.

I am rare in that I am capable of running both my brain and my ... other blood-intensive systems ... simultaneously. This means life is even more complicated for me than it was already. One day you'll know what I mean. Another day, so will I.

Anyway, basically I'm not so much sex-obsessed as very, very heavily driven. I think about lots of other things. Rock music, cognitive science, cartoons, photography, all that sort of thing. But people have an interesting, and fallacious, notion (I did once) that there is some kind of link between sex-drive and obnoxious behaviour. If that were true all men would be obnoxious, all the time. But so (and this is an interesting point) would all women. No. Rather, it is the ability to control your behaviour which stops you being obnoxious.

And if I hear one more woman complain about testosterone-fuelled males being inherently evil I shall scream and beat her over the head with a book about the human endocrine system until they cart me away.

It is not a good morning.

I can't believe you just managed to explain the workings to the male genitals via car parts.

This proves it...men are weird.

I don't mind if blokes are over exitable on the sex subject, it's funny talking about that stuff, unless it's with Andrew Anderson who's a sick perverted idiot who triuphs over an experience I've blush to tell you on a beeb website.

never thought I'd be talking about it on h2g2 though...bit risque I thought?

The one thing that truly T's me off about men is how they continuously tell people they don't find the stick insect populus of the world attractive...why do they go out with them then? And why if your pretty does the fact that you've got a personality like a bowl of porrage with an attitude problem not matter?

It's bizarre.

It is actualy true. Men will go out with stick insects because these are preferable to women built like sofas (which incidentally isn't particularly healthy or enjoyable for the women in question, and I do mean like sofas here, quite literally, and yes, I have seen them), but only in default of more curved and less sofaneous ladies.

I'd like to run back a little here. If you look at the kind of girls who get on fashion catwalks and imagine this is some kind of male ideal then you have to remember that most fashion designers -- who choose the models -- are women or gay. High-fashion stick insects are not a good indicator of the median average of male tastes because they are not chosen by the average man, or even necessarily any man.

A good indicator of this average is the kind of girl you get in men's magazines. Now at first glance you might think these are stick insects too, but as a matter of fact most have bums like ski slopes, and of course the all-too-infamous massive bosom.

Now I actually AM a stick insect (more of this later) but, like most guys, I like girls who are ... there's no way to put this delicately. I like girls who curve out, then in, and then out again, and while we're at it I like girls with lots and lots of brown hair you can hide your head in, and since I have a size 5 7/8 head (like my Dad) that's quite a lot of hair.

Now here's the REALLY weird bit.

The Barbie doll was designed by a woman.

Fashion models are often hand-picked by women.

I once read an article about Kate Winslet's "ballooning weight". (Well, not read, exactly, but there was one and that phrase was in expanded type.) It was written by ... well, can you guess what gender?

Men DO NOT like stick insects. Men HAVE NEVER liked stick insects. What men want is a girl who basically looks healthy. Except goths, who want someone who looks basically unhealthy, but I don't pretend to explain the behaviour of the entire human race.

However, some women, for some reason, like pretending that it's good to be a stick insect. A lot of women will back me up on this. All the people who are really, really rude about women's bodies (or women's clothes, or women's haircuts, or, well, anything much to do with women's appearance, really) are women. This is intensely frustrating as I often end up apologising for them because nobody realises that.

As for the personality like a bowl of porage (or in many cases, like a bowl of discarded hypodermic needles ... see above) you have to go out with someone to find that out, and that is why it is a common misconception that men only care about appearance. Basically appearance is the easiest criterion to match and therefore is dne first, because like everyone else, we're lazy. I've been out with pretty girls with a personality like a bowl of porage, but never twice. I also once went out with a not-particularly-pretty girl with a personality like a bowl of discarded hypodermic needles, and that wasn't much fun either.

People are strange.

As for risque, I can't remember how we got started on this but if you'd rather not, feel free to say so and we can go back to cell biology

Fact is...I must admit...I've turned into a very disturbing statistic, as I have the in out in figure, but although good for child baring, my bum and hips worry my, thus I'm dieting.

I never want or could be a stick insect, but I'd feel happier a little slimmer, it's a confidence thing, I'm not doing it to get a boyfriend or be like my friends, I'm doing it because it'll make me feel happier.

Although a new hairdo (which I'm planning during the summer) would surfice.

Life's too short to worry about slimming

And I've seen first hand the damage religious slimming can have on a person.

I don't know whether dieting even works. Basically the body says "oh, no, famine, better start storing all the fat we can get" and you get tired because that's what your energy is spent on doing. Then when you start eating again the body stores even more fat than before against the next famine and you feel even worse.

If you're serious about losing weight you have to change your eating habits permanently, or (and I think this is a better option) do more exercise, or do what I do, which is be a complete insomniac and guzzle gas like a weird geezer. I swear I must be a natural source of amphetamine, or something.

Anyway, life is too short for dieting, unless you have heart disease in which case life may prove even shorter.

I'm tall and skinny and can't get a date, anyway. Nor have I any confidence. I'd like to have muscles, or failing that, hydraulic rams. Still, I am going to be the world's best bass player one day, so there's still hope.

I don't really care when all's said and done.

All is said and done on a Tuesday.

So now you know.

You're a strange, strange little man

I'm 6'2"!

The Ox is dead. Long live The Ox.

Fine you're a strange, strange (not so) little man.

I''m on 5"6.5...very teeny

OX?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/entertainment/music/newsid_1213000/1213203.stm

The greatest bass player ever, IMO

On the bright side, the greatest rhythm section a band has ever had are now reuinted (if you believe in that sort of thing, which personally I do but nevertheless)